Any good jokes ... ?

[betty swollocks]

I have a complex multiple-personality disorder. Some days I think I'm a temptress in a Bizet opera, other days I'm convinced I am the head of the German Luftwaffe in the Second World War.


I don't really know whether I'm Carmen or Goering.

I love it.

 

[morrisman]

I once dated a Welsh girl with 32DD's.

It was the longest name I'd seen in my life.

 

[morrisman]

A whole city in Yorkshire has gone missing.

Police say they’ve currently got no Leeds

 

[Hitchington]

A termite walks into a pub and asks, "is the bar tender here?"

 

[User33236]

There's a Polish bloke next door. Every night he stands at the top of our street singing, "I want to know what love is."

Bloody Foreigner.

 

[morrisman]

A lorry crashed into a toll booth at the Dartford Crossing. A team of workers turned up and they picked up each broken piece of the wreckage and spread a creamy substance on it and stuck it back together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new. "Astonishing!" said the lorry driver to the workers. "What was the white stuff you used to stick all the pieces together?"
"Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."

 

[Cavalol]

My wife left me because of my obsession with The Pet Shop Boys.

What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?

 

[Cavalol]

One bonus of having a dyslexic father was that if he caught me swearing he would wash my mouth out with soup.

 

[PaulSB]

My wife has just told me today is Star Wars Day...............

 

[roadrash]

may the fourth be with you

 

[Cavalol]

I went for a hearing test in Epsom today
"Surrey?"
I SAID I WENT FOR A HEARING TEST IN EPSOM TODAY

 

[morrisman]

A women in labour suddenly starts shouting, “SHOULDN’T, WOULDN’T, COULDN’T, CAN’T”
“Don’t worry,” said the doctor. “Those are just contractions”

 

[morrisman]

People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

 

[Cavalol]

One of the Chuckle Brothers had a vasectomy today, the other one had a vasectoyou.

 

[Cavalol]

My wife's left me cos of my obsession with crosswords.
I'm two down to comment.