Any good jokes ... ?

[postman]

Last years holiday.Mrs Postman paid $50 to swim with dolphins.I swam with Alligators it cost me an arm and a leg.

 

[roadrash]

I'm not going to make the same mistake as I made last valentines day, I booked a table for 8.30, I really wish I didn't bother,
it was 9.45 before she potted her first red ball

 

[bruce1530]

I didn’t realise today was Pancake day.

it just sort of creped up on me....

 

[morrisman]

I bought my friend an elephant for his room
He said, "Thank you"
I said, "Don't mention it"

 

[User33236]

My wife just rang: “Three girls in the office just received flowers, they are absolutely gorgeous”.

Me: “That’s probably why they received flowers”.

 

[Nibor]

Topical

 

[User33236]

For the last 30 years I’ve had a Valentine card from a secret admirer.

Sad to find I didn’t get one this year.

First my gran dies, now this!!!

 

[Markymark]

 

[CharlieB]

View attachment 395924

 

[User33236]

My wife says she’s leaving me because of my obsession with astronomy.

What planet is she on?!!

 

[F70100]

My computer suddenly started belting out "Someone Like You."

It's a Dell.

 

[colly]

Cliff Richard goes to an old people’s home to host a sing-a-long but is surprised to discover that none of the residents recognise him.
Puzzled, he takes an old lady aside and says, “excuse me, but do you have any idea who I
am?”
“Sorry dear,” says the old lady, “but if you ask one of the nurses, they’ll tell you.”

 

[johnnyb47]

Cliff Richard goes to an old people’s home to host a sing-a-long but is surprised to discover that none of the residents recognise him.
Puzzled, he takes an old lady aside and says, “excuse me, but do you have any idea who I
am?”
“Sorry dear,” says the old lady, “but if you ask one of the nurses, they’ll tell you.”

Brilliant :-) :-)

 

[screenman]

 

[colly]

A woman decides that her sex life could do with a bit of a fillip so she buys some nice underwear, has her hair done, spends the day getting pamered at a health spa, and more than satified with the results she lounges on the bed and awaits her mans arrival.
Sure enough he is bang on time and upon entering the bedroom he is stunned at the beauty before him. He stands and stares. Finally he speaks.

'You look nice babe but would you take off your underwear.' She thinks oh yes at last he notices me.

'Now would you stand by the mirror' Even better she thinks.

'Ok love can you manage a hand stand against the mirror? She thinks, well unusual, but hey, this is more like it. So she does as asked.

He comes and stands close. Very close. A minute passed and she's getting tired. He hasn't even touch me yet she thinks.

'Babe' she says ' Are you OK'

'Yes love.......I was thinking of growing a beard but I've decided it doesn't suit me after all.'