Any good jokes ... ?

[Cavalol]

Here's a bit of advice for you:

Advi

 

[lutonloony]

Is that an allegory on the bank of the Nile?

afraid you lost me there

 

[Profpointy]

afraid you lost me there

Mrs Malloprop's from the play The Rivals. I just like the line so couldn't resist buging it in

 

[Chris S]

"I'd like a vodka please"
"er, this is McDonalds"
"OK, a McVodka please"

 

[LCpl Boiled Egg]

I'm not sure whether or not my Grandad is enjoying life with his new stairlift. I asked him how he was getting on with it and he said "It's driving me up the wall."

 

[MiK1138]

Strange question from a potential buyer of my pet python:

Buyer : How large is it?
Me : its pretty big
Buyer : How many feet?
Me : None, its a snake!!!

 

[Chris S]

How does Batman's mum call him in for his lunch?
Dinner-Dinner-Dinner, Batman!

 

[Chris S]

Did you hear about the Catholic Nazi?
"Heil Mary!"

 

[Markymark]

After months of persuading I finally managed to convince my wife she needed to see the doctor about her Tourettes Syndrome. After careful examination the doctor said she did not suffer from it and that I actually was a c*^t and I should f&*k off.

 

[Chris S]

What do you get if you pour boiling hot water down a rabbit hole?
A hot cross bunny!

 

[Joey Shabadoo]

"What do we want?"

HEARING AIDS!!

"When do we want them?"

HEARING AIDS!!

 

[ozboz]

Labour Party meeting re: Carillion , apparently D Abbott asked 'how many is in a Carillion '

 

[theclaud]

View: https://twitter.com/gogglepossum/status/840263259861180416

 

[Gareth]

Teacher: “If I gave you 2 bikes and another 2 bikes and another 2, how many would you have?”

Me: “Eight.”

Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two bikes, and another two bikes and another two, how many would you have?”

Me: “Eight.”

Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”

Me: “Six.”

Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two bikes, and another two bikes and another two, how many would you have?”

Me: “Eight!”

Teacher: “Age, where in the heck do you get eight from?!”

Me: “Because I’ve already got two bikes!”

 

[colly]

Teacher: “If I gave you 2 bikes and another 2 bikes and another 2, how many would you have?”

Me: “Eight.”

Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two bikes, and another two bikes and another two, how many would you have?”

Me: “Eight.”

Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”

Me: “Six.”

Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two bikes, and another two bikes and another two, how many would you have?”

Me: “Eight!”

Teacher: “Age, where in the heck do you get eight from?!”

Me: “Because I’ve already got two bikes!”

Years ago when Mrs Colly was a fresh faced teacher she did a lesson on probability. I don't know the details of the question but it revolved around the probabilty of owning a Ferrari. One boy had the answer, zero.

Told it was the wrong answer he said no it was correct. The chances of him owning a Ferrari were zero he said.

I'm not sure if that is genius or rather sad.