Any good jokes ... ?

[Smokin Joe]

When I took my girlfriend home to meet my mother told her, "Now remember my mum is deaf, so speak loudly and slowly and keep it simple".

Earlier on I'd told my mother who had perfect hearing that my girlfriend was slightly retarded so talk to her like she was a child.

It was fascinating to watch.

 

[flake99please]

I was asked the time by a Yodel delivery driver today.... I told him it was sometime between 8.00am and 6.00pm.

 

[morrisman]

Little known fact, all tennis players are witches.
Yes, all of them.
Murray? Yep
Nadal? Him too.
Goran? Even he's a witch.

 

[Arjimlad]

I was asked the time by a Yodel delivery driver today.... I told him it was sometime between 8.00am and 6.00pm.

And did you leave him behind the green bin or throw him over the garden gate?

 

[Welsh wheels]

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for the food.”

The panda yells back, “Hey, man, I’m a panda. Look it up!”

The bartender opens his dictionary to panda: “A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”

 

[Profpointy]

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for the food.”

The panda yells back, “Hey, man, I’m a panda. Look it up!”

The bartender opens his dictionary to panda: “A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”

The Australian version is after a visit to a brothel. And "Eats, roots and leaves"

 

[ufkacbln]

The Australian version is after a visit to a brothel. And "Eats, roots and leaves"

.... or eats, roots, shoots and eaves

 

[bruce1530]

I’ll never forget the last words my old grandad said to me before he kicked the bucket.

He said “Son, let’s see how far I can kick this bucket....."

 

[Dayvo]

.... or eats, roots, shoots and eaves

.... or eats, roots, shoots, and leaves.

 

[ufkacbln]

.... or eats, roots, shoots, and leaves.

Bleeding L...

 

[TwickenhamCyclist]

I’ll never forget the last words my old grandad said to me before he kicked the bucket.

He said “Son, let’s see how far I can kick this bucket....."

About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard – after that he went downhill very quickly.

 

[TwickenhamCyclist]

thinking of Milton Jones:

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little see-saw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!

 

[TVC]

More Milton Jones.

My dad said he was just going to pop upstairs, so he went upstairs and popped.

 

[TwickenhamCyclist]

More Milton Jones.

My dad said he was just going to pop upstairs, so he went upstairs and popped.

don't get me started...

My wife... its difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore.

I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying “I don’t want to bore you with the details”.

Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs, I don’t think so…retired mermaids.

The worst job I ever had was as a forensicologist for the United Nations. One time I thought I'd come across the mass grave of a thousand snowmen, but it turns out it was just a field of carrots.

 

[Welsh wheels]

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.