Any good jokes ... ?

[guitarpete247]

It must be "O-Bee-One nice man-No bee".

Can't bring myself to write the real answer.

 

[subaqua]

Here's another good joke

Well quite a few

The Met police traffic department

Slater and gordon legal executives

Insurance companies of drivers who don't drive in accordance with the rules and claim aggravation when you shout " f*** Off away from me " just before they drive into you .

Final confirmation that you can drive like a bell end and not be penalised for it.

I can't wait for next time the Met sidle up and berate md for not having a helmet !!!!

 

[morrisman]

Just got a text from my mate, "Where are you?"

"I'm at my anger management meeting."

"How's it going?"

"Not good, I'll fill you in later."

 

[Cubist]

Mate of mine lost his ear in an accident. They were doing some experimental grafting and he got a replacement made from a pig's ear. It looked good, but he couldn't hear very well because of all the crackling......

 

[AndyRM]

View attachment 336060

Guess the character

 

[Joey Shabadoo]

I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs. The birds love it.

 

[mrcunning]

I told my wife that the milkman had said he had shagged every woman in our road except for one
"That will be the snooty bitch at number 20" she said..

 

[morrisman]

In an Indian restaurant last night having a meal, waiter came over and says, 'Curry ok?'

I said, 'Oh! go on then, but just one song'

 

[Arjimlad]

Employers are now stipulating how often staff can use the loo

 

[Milkfloat]

Employers are now stipulating how often staff can use the loo View attachment 336740

I think there are people in my workplace who would be a great fit - 11 hours on the bog is easily achievable for them.

 

[Smokin Joe]

Not sure if this will get binned, but I don't find it offensive myself so here goes -

Mrs Smith goes to her GP and says, "Doctor, I'm so worried. I keep finding Costa Rican postage stamps in my vagina".

So the doctor says, "I've never come across anything like that before, I'd better take a look".

After he's examined her he says, "Those are not stamps, Mrs Smith. They're the stickers off bananas".

 

[PaulB]

I love it when my wife gets dressed up as a nurse. And then goes out and works as one. Brings lots of extra cash in.

 

[Joey Shabadoo]

When I die I want the word "Humble" carved into the plinth of my statue.

 

[raleighnut]

When I die I want the word "Humble" carved into the plinth of my statue.

I always liked Billy Connolly's idea of really small lettering that you had to get really close to read that said "You're standing on my balls"

 

[Rezillo]

My favourite twitter thingy to follow:

https://twitter.com/CrapLocalNews/status/821418126881488897