welsh dragon
Thanks but no thanks. I think I'll pass.
What do you call a thieving alligator.
A crookodile
A crookodile
Any good jokes ... ?
- Thread starter cisamcgu
- Start date
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AndyRM
XOXO
- Location
- North Shields
That's even worse than the pig one!
welsh dragon
Thanks but no thanks. I think I'll pass.
steve50
Disenchanted Member
- Location
- West Yorkshire
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently scold the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, “Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.”
Little Johnny looked up and replied: “Well, Ms. Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned.”
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, “Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.”
Little Johnny looked up and replied: “Well, Ms. Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned.”
AndyRM
XOXO
- Location
- North Shields
welsh dragon
Thanks but no thanks. I think I'll pass.
AndyRM
XOXO
- Location
- North Shields
That must be it.
welsh dragon
Thanks but no thanks. I think I'll pass.
My friend bought a new stick deodorant.
The instructions said remove cap and shove up bottom
She can hardly walk now, but whenever she farts, she smells lovely.
The instructions said remove cap and shove up bottom
She can hardly walk now, but whenever she farts, she smells lovely.
TwickenhamCyclist
Guest
Or, as I think Germaine Greer once put it...
It starts when you sink into his arms...
... and ends with your arms in his sink.
Nibor
Bewildered
- Location
- Accrington
HMRC decides to investigate 87 year old Grandpa, who is quickly summoned to the Tax office.
The Tax Inspector was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his tax adviser.
The Tax Inspector said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure that I find that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The Tax Inspector thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand pounds that I can bite my own eye.'
The Tax Inspector thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The Tax Inspector's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand pounds that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the Tax Inspector can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned Tax Inspector now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's tax adviser as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand pounds that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The Tax Inspector, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again after checking a couple of details about the bet.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the Tax Inspector's desk.
The Tax Inspector leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's tax adviser moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the Tax Inspector asks.
'Not really,' says the tax adviser. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an investigation, he bet me twenty five thousand pounds that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
MORAL?
Don't Mess with Old People!!
The Tax Inspector was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his tax adviser.
The Tax Inspector said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure that I find that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The Tax Inspector thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand pounds that I can bite my own eye.'
The Tax Inspector thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The Tax Inspector's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand pounds that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the Tax Inspector can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned Tax Inspector now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's tax adviser as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand pounds that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The Tax Inspector, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again after checking a couple of details about the bet.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the Tax Inspector's desk.
The Tax Inspector leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's tax adviser moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the Tax Inspector asks.
'Not really,' says the tax adviser. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an investigation, he bet me twenty five thousand pounds that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
MORAL?
Don't Mess with Old People!!
welsh dragon
Thanks but no thanks. I think I'll pass.
I said to my son "you treat this place like a hotel".
He said "you're going to regret saying that when I give you a really low score on trip adviser for having such rude staff here".
He said "you're going to regret saying that when I give you a really low score on trip adviser for having such rude staff here".
Starchivore
I don't know much about Cinco de Mayo
- Location
- Halifax, West Yorkshire
I may or may not have told this joke on here before, I can’t remember.
I heard it a while ago and thought it was great, but I haven’t found anyone to agree with me yet.
A man with a banana in each ear gets on a train, and sits down at a table opposite a teenager. The teenager can’t help staring at him, wondering why he has bananas in his ears. After a few minutes she can’t fight the curiosity. She meets the man’s eye and leans forward.
“Excuse me mister, I just wanted to know…. Why have you got bananas in your ears?” she asked.
“I’m sorry, I can’t hear you- I have bananas in my ears,” replied the man.
I heard it a while ago and thought it was great, but I haven’t found anyone to agree with me yet.
A man with a banana in each ear gets on a train, and sits down at a table opposite a teenager. The teenager can’t help staring at him, wondering why he has bananas in his ears. After a few minutes she can’t fight the curiosity. She meets the man’s eye and leans forward.
“Excuse me mister, I just wanted to know…. Why have you got bananas in your ears?” she asked.
“I’m sorry, I can’t hear you- I have bananas in my ears,” replied the man.
