Any good jokes ... ?

[TVC]

How do you get Pikachu on a bus.

You poke 'im on.

 

[welsh dragon]

What do you call a labrador that becomes a magician?

A labracadabridor.

 

[Profpointy]

Well if we're doing musician jokes, how about the back desk 2nd violinist turning up at the very last minute for his concert. The panicking impresario greets him "the conductor's poorly and can't make it. You're already dressed up in tails so you'll have to do it". "But I'm a violinist not a conductor" "Don't worry. You know how the music goes, so just beat time, and it'll be fine".

Concert is a reasonable success, and next night, conductor has recovered, and the fiddle player is back in his usual chair at the back.
His pal looks over to him crossly and says "where the hell where you last night?"

 

[Cubist]

Bloke goes into a pub with an octopus. Barman says
"You can't bring that in here mate."
"But this is no ordinary octopus," says the bloke. "it's a musical genius. It can play any instrument you can name." To prove it he puts the octopus on the piano stool and in seconds the whole pub is transfixed. Brahms to Chas'n'Dave singalongs, the octopus can do it all.
The customers rise to the challenge and nip home to fetch instruments, which to their amazement are all played brilliantly. Trombone, violin, glockenspiel, tuba, there seems no end to the octopus's talents. He's in the middle of an Acker Bilk medley when Jock appears with his bagpipes. The octopus drops the clarinet and rushes at the bagpipes, drags them onto the mat and starts wrestling with the tartan bag.
"Don't let me down now," says his owner, "get on and play something"
"Play something?" says the octopus "I'm trying to get her knickers off."

 

[ufkacbln]

Long John Silver, infamous Pirate returns from his successful journey at sea and enters an "emporium" to trade in his illicit gains

Whilst there he decides to buy presents for his four sons.

AHAR says the emporium owner piratically, what be their professions?

AHAR says Long John, the first one is a Gardener, the second one is a Gardener and so it the third

What about the fourth one asks the emporium owner

AHAR says Long John, he is a drunken wastrel

No problem says the emporium owner, I have the ideal gifts...................






























Hoe, Hoe, Hoe and a bottle of Rum

 

[TVC]

Bloke goes into a pub with an octopus. Barman says
"You can't bring that in here mate."
"But this is no ordinary octopus," says the bloke. "it's a musical genius. It can play any instrument you can name." To prove it he puts the octopus on the piano stool and in seconds the whole pub is transfixed. Brahms to Chas'n'Dave singalongs, the octopus can do it all.
The customers rise to the challenge and nip home to fetch instruments, which to their amazement are all played brilliantly. Trombone, violin, glockenspiel, tuba, there seems no end to the octopus's talents. He's in the middle of an Acker Bilk medley when Jock appears with his bagpipes. The octopus drops the clarinet and rushes at the bagpipes, drags them onto the mat and starts wrestling with the tartan bag.
"Don't let me down now," says his owner, "get on and play something"
"Play something?" says the octopus "I'm trying to get her knickers off."

That was one of my dad's favourite jokes, he used to tell it regularly

 

[Hitchington]

I went to the doctor for a check up. He said, "How many times a week do you masturbate, roughly?"

"Never". I answered. "I always do it gently."

 

[Profpointy]

as Hitch has already lowered the tone....

Doctor told me I was smoking too much and masturbating too much. Went back a few weeks later and he asked how my improved healthy regime was going.

"Well I've cut down to 10 a day, and I've given up smoking entirely"

 

[welsh dragon]

I went to a zoo the other day. They only had one animal though. It was a shitzu

 

[Joey Shabadoo]

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.
An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a ‘Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant.

"Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms round his waist, and held onto the saddle horn, so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."

 

[Joey Shabadoo]

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old granddaughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Grandad, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Grandad's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them.
I went back to packing, looked back and my granddaughter who was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, darling?"

She replied, "What happened to my bogie?"

 

[Joey Shabadoo]

Question: What did Jean Luc Picard say as Data struggled to repair the Marclosian Stitching Machine?
Answer: ‘Make it sew.’


Question: What did the first officer answer when Picard asked ‘Why did you let DeannaTroi win at poker?’
Answer: ‘Because I Riker.’


Question: What did Worf say when small ice asteroids began hitting the Enterprise hull?
Answer: ‘Captain, we are being hailed.’


Question: How many of the Enterprise’s senior officers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: All of them. One to put the light-bulb in, and the rest to debate the moral implications.


Question: What do you call it when that Strategic Operations Officer on DS9 runs as fast as he can?
Answer: Worf Speed



Question: Did you hear that the crew of the Enterprise is getting married?
Answer: They have engaged the Borg.

 

[Poacher]

Another Uxbridge English Dictionary entry:

Commentator - definitely not a King Edward

 

[john59]

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he
noticed
a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off
the sides and
a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The
girl had
tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run
your
rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you
could go
faster.'
The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but
then I wouldn't have a siren.

 

[Chromatic]

Question: What did Jean Luc Picard say as Data struggled to repair the Marclosian Stitching Machine?
Answer: ‘Make it sew.’


Question: What did the first officer answer when Picard asked ‘Why did you let DeannaTroi win at poker?’
Answer: ‘Because I Riker.’


Question: What did Worf say when small ice asteroids began hitting the Enterprise hull?
Answer: ‘Captain, we are being hailed.’


Question: How many of the Enterprise’s senior officers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: All of them. One to put the light-bulb in, and the rest to debate the moral implications.


Question: What do you call it when that Strategic Operations Officer on DS9 runs as fast as he can?
Answer: Worf Speed



Question: Did you hear that the crew of the Enterprise is getting married?
Answer: They have engaged the Borg.

A new low I think.

Edited to say I did put a smiley thing in but I did it on an I-pad and it appears not to have appeared (that's probably funnier than the jokes, (insert another smiley thing here!))