Any good jokes ... ?

[machew]

What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

A Virgin Mobile

 

[Hitchington]

What did 2 say to 3 about 6?

"Don't mind him, he's just a product of our times..."

 

[john59]

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Air Show every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." One year Stumpy and Martha went to the State Air Show and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars." Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

 

[Joey Shabadoo]

The jumper I got for Christmas kept picking up static electricity so I took it back to the shop and exchanged it for another one free of charge.

 

[john59]

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.

He said 'How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin - in every way'

The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.'

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon.

That night in the hotel bedroom, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She said, 'You're the first; no one has EVER touched these.'

He immediately drops his pants and replies, .....'Look at this, .....still in the CRATE!'

 

[Joey Shabadoo]

Top Tip -

If you live in Liverpool go to your local Currys and write your postcode on the back of all the TVs, DVD players and other goods with an ultra violet marker pen.

Wait six months and the police will deliver them to your home.

 

[subaqua]

its that time of year again !

An Englishman is being shown around a Scottish hospital.
At the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of patients who show no obvious signs of injury. He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims:
Fair fa' yer honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain e' the puddin' race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
painch tripe or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy o' a grace
as lang's my arm.

The Englishman, somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, and immediately the patient launches into:
Some hae meat, and canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat and we can eat,
And sae the Lord be thankit.

This continues with the next patient:
Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie,
O what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty,
wi' bickering brattle.
I wad be laith to run and chase thee,
wi' murdering prattle!"

"Well," the Englishman mutters to his Scottish colleague, "I see you saved the psychiatric ward for the last."
"Nay, nay," the Scottish doctor corrected him, "this is the Serious Burns unit."

 

[wheresthetorch]

I want to sell my spitoon on eBay, but I'm worried it might trigger a b'ding! war.

 

[Profpointy]

its that time of year again !

An Englishman is being shown around a Scottish hospital.
At the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of patients who show no obvious signs of injury. He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims:
Fair fa' yer honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain e' the puddin' race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
painch tripe or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy o' a grace
as lang's my arm.

The Englishman, somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, and immediately the patient launches into:
Some hae meat, and canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat and we can eat,
And sae the Lord be thankit.

This continues with the next patient:
Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie,
O what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty,
wi' bickering brattle.
I wad be laith to run and chase thee,
wi' murdering prattle!"

"Well," the Englishman mutters to his Scottish colleague, "I see you saved the psychiatric ward for the last."
"Nay, nay," the Scottish doctor corrected him, "this is the Serious Burns unit."

would that be the famous Yiddish poet: the Rabbi Burns?


..... boom, tshhhh !

 

[swee'pea99]

would that be the famous Yiddish poet: the Rabbi Burns?


..... boom, tshhhh !

Your coat, sir....

 

[subaqua]

Your coat, sir....

nah its not wet or cold enough for a coat

 

[Hitchington]

I got 'Bonnie Tyler's Goalkeeping Heroes' DVD for my birthday ...
It's just totally clips of Joe Hart.

 

[Hitchington]

I just bought a film in the pub with a review of 3.14159265359 stars out of 5.

It was a pi rated DVD.

 

[benb]

I just bought a film in the pub with a review of 3.14159265359 stars out of 5.

It was a pi rated DVD.

You sicken me

 

[cisamcgu]

You sicken me

I think I am missing the joke ?