My sister and aunt comes from Romford and there's nothing wrong with her
Any good jokes ... ?
- Thread starter cisamcgu
- Start date
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subaqua
What’s the point
- Location
- Leytonstone
AM1
Senior Member
- Location
- Sunny Stockport
I've bought a Prince CD today, it cost me £20 but I'm going to play it like its £19.99
AM1
Senior Member
- Location
- Sunny Stockport
What do George Michael and Wellington boots have in common?
They both get sucked off in bogs
They both get sucked off in bogs
wheresthetorch
Dreaming of Celeste
- Location
- West Sussex
I can't believe it. My wife and I were sitting watching TV when the founder of Apple just walked into the house and took all our Mr Sheen!
Bl**dy Jobs, coming over here and stealing our polish.
Bl**dy Jobs, coming over here and stealing our polish.
steve50
Disenchanted Member
- Location
- West Yorkshire
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.
steve50
Disenchanted Member
- Location
- West Yorkshire
LITTLE JOHNNY IS BACK:
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried.
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried.
steve50
Disenchanted Member
- Location
- West Yorkshire
I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.... My next poo could spell disaster.
RichardB
Slightly retro
- Location
- West Wales
I used to pass the Cofiwch Dreweryn painted stone (link) often when I was doing a lot of trips between West Wales and Yorkshire, and often wondered what it was about. There was a documentary on it on BBC recently (not sure if just BBC Wales). Have to say I haven't felt as angry in a long time. Having a pee in the lake is something, I suppose. I am about as non-violent and unmilitant as it is possible to be, but I would have been among those planting explosives. The sheer injustice and inhumanity was staggering.Y Llew Coch .
and yes the North welsh can be a bit prickly with Saes. cofiwch tryweryn - we generally don't like having our villages razed to ground on a pack of lies. ( who knew scouse businesses lied)
I had a pee in Llyn Celyn when i was on a primary school visit. the others in my class told on me to the head teacher. who told me it was the best thing he had heard of me do
RichardB
Slightly retro
- Location
- West Wales
"Now, class, I am going to say a letter and you have to give me a word beginning with that letter. First, the letter A."
Johnny puts his hand up. "I know one, Miss, haha!"
"Sally?"
"Apple, Miss."
"Very good. Now, B."
Johnny puts his hand up. "Hehe, I know one for that, Miss!"
"Dorothy?"
"Boat, Miss."
"Very good. Now, anyone have a word beginning with C?"
Johnny can hardly contain himself. "I know one, please Miss please Miss!"
"Susanne?"
"Carrot, Miss."
Very good, Susanne. Now, D?"
Johnny is out of his seat. "Me, Miss, me, Miss!"
Teacher has a think, and can't see anything that Johnny could say to disrupt the lesson.
"OK, Johnny, what's a word beginning with D?"
"Dwarf, Miss."
"Very good, Johnny. And do you know what a dwarf is?"
"Yes, Miss, it's a little c*** about this big."
welsh dragon
Thanks but no thanks. I think I'll pass.
Father christmas. "What do you want for Christmas"
Lady " I want a unicorn"
Father christmas " thats an impossible request. Cant you think of anything more realistic"
Lady " ok. Then I want five minutes to myself each and every day. And I want to be able to drink a hot cup of coffee each day, and I want to be able to pee in peace".
father Christmas. "What colour unicorn would you like".
Lady " I want a unicorn"
Father christmas " thats an impossible request. Cant you think of anything more realistic"
Lady " ok. Then I want five minutes to myself each and every day. And I want to be able to drink a hot cup of coffee each day, and I want to be able to pee in peace".
father Christmas. "What colour unicorn would you like".
ayceejay
Guru
- Location
- Rural Quebec
This will probably date me but we had little Johnny too
Someone was eating Maltesers in class and dropped some.
They rolled across the floor and the teacher angry said "alright who's got
brown balls?"
Little Johnny shot up his hand and said
"Nat King Cole miss"
Someone was eating Maltesers in class and dropped some.
They rolled across the floor and the teacher angry said "alright who's got
brown balls?"
Little Johnny shot up his hand and said
"Nat King Cole miss"
Cubist
Still wavin'
- Location
- Ovver 'thill
Anyone got any good "what's the difference" jokes?
What's the difference between a bad marksman and a constipated owl?
One shoots but can't hit......
What's the difference between a bad marksman and a constipated owl?
One shoots but can't hit......
steve50
Disenchanted Member
- Location
- West Yorkshire
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Canadian scientists found
Traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that
Their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by their neighbours, in the weeks that followed, an American
Archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times:
"American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their
Ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Canadians".
One week later, the British authorities reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in North Yorkshire, Jack Arkwright, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely f*** all.
Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."
Just makes you bloody proud to be British, don't it!
Traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that
Their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by their neighbours, in the weeks that followed, an American
Archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times:
"American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their
Ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Canadians".
One week later, the British authorities reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in North Yorkshire, Jack Arkwright, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely f*** all.
Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."
Just makes you bloody proud to be British, don't it!
RichardB
Slightly retro
- Location
- West Wales
Bloody hell, it's literally half a century since I last heard this one. It went round my primary school, to the extent that any mention of Nat King Cole (who was very popular at the time) brought us all out in fits of giggles.
