Any good jokes ... ?

[Hitchington]

What do you get if you insert human DNA into a goat?

Banned from the petting zoo.

 

[john59]

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo,
and He doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is
still standing on the curb
'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver,
'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'
'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me
drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today.'
'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!
And what if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing
he'd never gone to work that morning.
'There might be something extra in it for you,' says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind
the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after
exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to
105 mph.
'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but
the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh,
dear God, I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches,
but the cop takes one look at him, goes Back to his motorcycle, and
gets on the radio.
'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a
limo going a hundred and five.
'So bust him,' says the Chief.
'I don't think we want to do that - he's really important,' said the
cop.
The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'
'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.
The Chief then asked, 'Who have you got there, the Mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: 'Governor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'
Cop: 'I think it's God!'
Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'

...................keep going..........................

...... Wait for it ..........

Cop: 'He's got the f**ing Pope as a chauffeur

 

[Slioch]

Here lies poor old colour blind Jed.
Thought the lights were green when they were red.

 

[simon the viking]

Here's a few oneliners I wrote myself....

What do you get if you cross D.J Psy and Dorothy from ‘The Wizard of Oz’?…..
Gingham Style
--------------------
Why did the chicken cross the road?…..
Who gives a cluck?
---------------------
A retired Cavalry Officer has opened a barbers in our town, twenty quid for a haircut though… He knows how to charge.....
---------------------
I asked a lobster if I could borrow his phone, he said no..... How shellfish.....

don't worry I haven't gave up the day job.....

 

[threebikesmcginty]

Here lies poor old colour blind Jed.
Thought the lights were green when they were red.

Oh that reminds me...

Here lies the body of Elizabeth White
She signalled to the left and turned to the right

 

[Hitchington]

Why is Peter Pan always flying?

Because he neverlands. (some jokes never grow old)

 

[Fnaar]

Oh that reminds me...

Here lies the body of Elizabeth White
She signalled to the left and turned to the right

Here lies the body of Jonathon Mound
Lost at sea, and never found.

 

[benb]

Here lies the body of Jonathon Mound
Lost at sea, and never found.

If he was never found, then his body can't be lying here, can it?

 

[Fnaar]

If he was never found, then his body can't be lying here, can it?

Here lies the body of a verbal joke
Analysed to bits by that benb bloke

 

[benb]

Here lies the body of a verbal joke
Analysed to bits by that benb bloke

Here lies a joke, reduced to its corpse
Fnarr forgot, they should be funny of course

 

[Markymark]

Here lies my attempt, but I've got Alzheimer's,
This little piggy went to market.

 

[Dayvo]

Why is Peter Pan always flying?

Because he neverlands. (some jokes never grow old)

Some jokes aren't.

 

[TVC]

If he was never found, then his body can't be lying here, can it?

You will be telling us next that you can't dig half a hole.

 

[swee'pea99]

Here lies my attempt, but I've got Alzheimer's,
This little piggy went to market.

Popular at my junior school:

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Most poems rhyme
This one doesn't

 

[Hitchington]

My local ice cream man was found dead in his van. He was covered in strawberry sauce and hundreds and thousands, and had a flake sticking out of his ear.

Police say he topped himself.