Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink. So when Paddy's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ... and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother .."Grandma he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like me father, his father and his father before him?" Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled eyes and said, "Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya fekin idiot
Any good jokes ... ?
- Thread starter cisamcgu
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mrcunning
Über Member
A man is walking in the park when he sees a little old man sat on a park bench crying. He says "What's Up?"
The old man replies "I'm Ninety and last week I won £20 million on the lottery, I bought a mansion with a swimming pool , a Rolls Royce, a Private jet and I married an 18 year old blonde Swedish supermodel"
The Man says "Then What the Hell are you crying for ?"
The Old Man replies "cos I've forgotten where I live!"
The old man replies "I'm Ninety and last week I won £20 million on the lottery, I bought a mansion with a swimming pool , a Rolls Royce, a Private jet and I married an 18 year old blonde Swedish supermodel"
The Man says "Then What the Hell are you crying for ?"
The Old Man replies "cos I've forgotten where I live!"
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's
Ultimate enemy was in his presence..
So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'
The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.
'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.
'Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.
'Nope,' said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years!"
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's
Ultimate enemy was in his presence..
So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'
The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.
'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.
'Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.
'Nope,' said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years!"
A young woman came home and told her mum that her steady boyfriend had proposed, but she had turned him down because she found out he was an atheist, and didn't believe in Heaven or Hell.
"Marry him anyway, honey. Between the two of us, we'll show him just how very wrong he is."
"Marry him anyway, honey. Between the two of us, we'll show him just how very wrong he is."
threebikesmcginty
Corn Fed Hick...
- Location
- ...on the slake
Knock knock
Who's there?
Europe
Europe who?
No, you're a poo
Who's there?
Europe
Europe who?
No, you're a poo
Hitchington
Lovely stuff
- Location
- That London
Why was 6 scared of 7?
Because 7 8 9
Because 7 8 9
glasgowcyclist
Charming but somewhat feckless
- Location
- Scotland
Why did the lion go into the wardrobe?
.
.
.
.
.
.
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Narnia business!
GC
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.
.
.
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Narnia business!
GC
swansonj
Guru
Told by Nigel Owens (a very good after-dinner speaker at a conference I was at this week, and a very impressive bloke - and that's coming from me, who hadn't ever heard of him before) so you'll have to imagine the Welsh accent.
I picked up an American referee from Bristol Airport and was driving him back to Swansea.
As we came up to the Severn Bridge, he asked me "what's that?"
"The Severn Bridge", I said, "the longest single-span bridge in the UK when it was built".
"how long did it take to build?" he asked.
"A major civil engineering project like that? About eight years" I said.
"We've got bridges twice as long as that in America that only took four years to build" he replied.
A bit later we came up to Celtic Manor. "What's that?" he asked. So I explained it was the biggest five-star hotel in Wales with a championship-standard golf course.
"How long did it take to build?"
"With all the earthworks? About two years."
"Ha! We've got hotels four times the size of that in America with golf courses three times the size that only took six months to build."
Then we came up to Port Talbot - a mile and a half of continuous heavy industry, employing eight thousand people.
"What's that?" He asked.
"No idea," I answered, "it wasn't there this morning."
I picked up an American referee from Bristol Airport and was driving him back to Swansea.
As we came up to the Severn Bridge, he asked me "what's that?"
"The Severn Bridge", I said, "the longest single-span bridge in the UK when it was built".
"how long did it take to build?" he asked.
"A major civil engineering project like that? About eight years" I said.
"We've got bridges twice as long as that in America that only took four years to build" he replied.
A bit later we came up to Celtic Manor. "What's that?" he asked. So I explained it was the biggest five-star hotel in Wales with a championship-standard golf course.
"How long did it take to build?"
"With all the earthworks? About two years."
"Ha! We've got hotels four times the size of that in America with golf courses three times the size that only took six months to build."
Then we came up to Port Talbot - a mile and a half of continuous heavy industry, employing eight thousand people.
"What's that?" He asked.
"No idea," I answered, "it wasn't there this morning."
threebikesmcginty
Corn Fed Hick...
- Location
- ...on the slake
That's reminded me of another American boasting one...
A Texan farmer visiting a cousin, who's also a farmer, in the UK boasts "why I could get in my truck and drive all day and I wouldn't get from one side of my farm to the other", the other farmer replies "I know what you mean, I used to have a truck like that".
A Texan farmer visiting a cousin, who's also a farmer, in the UK boasts "why I could get in my truck and drive all day and I wouldn't get from one side of my farm to the other", the other farmer replies "I know what you mean, I used to have a truck like that".
Smokin Joe
Squire
- Location
- Bare headed cyclist, Smoker
Henry Ford was speaking at a conference when someone asked him if it was true Fords could build a car in five minutes. Ford replied;
"Hell boy, we once built a car in two minutes".
"I know", replied the questioner, "I own it".
"Hell boy, we once built a car in two minutes".
"I know", replied the questioner, "I own it".
Ron-da-Valli
It's a bleedin' miracle!
- Location
- Rorke's Drift
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? He wiped his arse!
glasgowcyclist
Charming but somewhat feckless
- Location
- Scotland
Why are mountains funny?
Because they're hill areas.
GC
Because they're hill areas.
GC
A Travel Agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamourous destinations around the world. The agent had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.
He called them into his shop, 'I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer.'
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel.
Then, as can be expected, they gladly accepted, and were off!
About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop. 'And how did you like your holiday?' he asked eagerly.
'The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,' she said. 'I've come to thank you, but one thing puzzled me.
Who was that old pipper I had to share the room with?'
He called them into his shop, 'I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer.'
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel.
Then, as can be expected, they gladly accepted, and were off!
About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop. 'And how did you like your holiday?' he asked eagerly.
'The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,' she said. 'I've come to thank you, but one thing puzzled me.
Who was that old pipper I had to share the room with?'
