Any good jokes ... ?

[Moon bunny]

I’m trying to remember the name of a hard, heavy metal. It’s on the tip of my tungsten.

I found my pile of tungsten and sold it for scrap, £3000. That’ll keep the wolfram the door.

 

[roadrash]

 

[tyred]

 

[Cavalol]

"Have you ever seen £20 all crumpled up,
A woman asked her husband.
"No... " said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned her blouse and slowly reached down into her bra and pulled out a crumpled twenty pound note.
He took the crumpled £20 note from her and smiled approvingly.
"Have you ever seen £50 all crumpled up?"... she then asked her husband.
"No... no, I haven't" he said with an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer knickers and pulled out a crumpled fifty pound note.
He took the crumpled £50 note... and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
"Now... " she said. "Have you ever seen £25,000 all crumpled up?"
"No, never" he said while obviously becoming even more excited.
"Well, go and look in the garage!"

 

[Smokin Joe]

There are reports of blind panic among some of the England football squad.

They've been told they have to learn a new national anthem.

 

[tyred]

 

[Alex321]

A man falls asleep at church.

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation

 

[morrisman]

As Charles will be Charles III, can we start a campaign for the Royal Mail to be renamed C3PO

 

[Andy_R]

 

[ClichéGuevara]

 

[Oldhippy]

As a former employee of Gibson guitars that is a hell of a good product placement.

 

[Andy in Germany]

As a former employee of Gibson guitars that is a hell of a good product placement.

Are you sure about that?

 

[Oldhippy]

Are you sure about that?

In terms of getting the name in the press for free this one must swamped world press over time.

 

[Chris S]

With Liz Truss being sworn in as the fourth Prime Minister in six years the Tories are now consulting with the Italians on how to form a stable government.

 

[Andy in Germany]

In terms of getting the name in the press for free this one must swamped world press over time.

I'd have thought it would have the same effect on the intended audience as Thatcher being photographed reading the Socialist Worker.