Any good jokes ... ?

[Alex H]

A husband and wife go on a cruise. She's a large, loud and domineering woman. He's a short, quiet, bespectacled type.

First night at sea after dinner, the women excuse themselves and the men gather round the bar telling stories. When it comes to his turn, the little bloke regales them with a talk on sex that has them rolling in the aisles. When he gets back late to the cabin his wife demands to know what he's been up to and thinking quickly, he tells her he delivered a talk on sailing.
'Sailing!' she sneers. 'What on earth do you know about sailing?'

Next morning at breakfast, a bloke at the next table turns to the little feller's wife and tells her what a marvellous raconteur her husband is.

'Well. It surprises me,' says the wife. 'He's only ever done it twice. The first time he was sick and the second time his hat blew off.'

 

[smokeysmoo]

An insect just flew into my kitchen and exploded.

I think it was a Jihaddy long legs.

 

[Hitchington]

How many musos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

It's a pretty obscure number. You probably haven't heard of it.

 

[Maverick Goose]

How many musos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

It's a pretty obscure number. You probably haven't heard of it.

They'd probably say Neil Peart could have done it much better!

 

[Phyllosc]

A mother and her young son hire a taxi. The driver takes a short cut through the town's red light district. Along the streets were several 'working girls'.

"Who are those ladies mummy?" say the boy. Thinking on her feet the mum replies. "They're sailors wives waiting for their husbands to come home from the sea." At the point the taxi driver interrupts. "Oh misses, why don't you just tell him the truth, they're prostitutes!"

The short and embarrassing silence is broken by the little boy. "Do prostitutes have children mummy?" "Yes son" she replies "Most of them grow up to become taxi drivers!"

(One for those who have been cut up by a taxi in the past...)

 

[Stephenite]

A little girl goes to the barbershop with her dad and stands next to the chair, eating a muffin while her dad gets a haircut. The barber smiles at her and says "you're going to get hair on your muffin!" "I know" she said. "I'm gonna get tits too you dirty old bastard!!.

 

[Ron-da-Valli]

Did you hear about the Dutchman who died whilst jogging in inflatable shoes? He popped his clogs.
A vicar just walked past with a bowl of spaghetti on his head. It must be the local pasta

 

[john59]

Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty." "That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"

Finnegin: " My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it. " Keenan: " What on earth is she doin' at that time? " Finnegin: "Waitin' for me to come home. "

Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.

The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.

An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?" "Who told you that?" asked Paddy.

Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple? Answer - So the English can understand them.

Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window? " Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."

Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife? A. A bachelor.

Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!" he said. "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!" "Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked. "No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."

Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive? My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?

 

[screenman]

Baby's First Doctor Visit


A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed, ' she replied.. well, strip down to your waist, ' the doctor ordered. She did.

He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, ' No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk. '

I know, ' she said, ' I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.

 

[john59]

Three ladies are playing the 4th hole at a golf course on the Sunshine Coast when a naked man wearing a bag over his head jumps from the trees and runs across the green.

The 3 ladies look and are in shock at the size of his Manhood.

The first lady says, "Well he definitely is not my Husband."

The second lady looks at his manhood and says, "He for sure is not my Husband."

The third lady takes a good long look and says. " He's not even a member of this club".

 

[Alex H]

Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism.

No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, "It could have been worse."

To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.

On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"

"That`s awful," said Frank, "But it could have been worse."

"How in the hell," asked his angry friend, "Could it have been worse?"

"Well," replied Frank, "If it had happened the night before, I'd be dead now!"

 

[screenman]

Smack the bottom. Smack it harder my wife said in an excited tone.




But I still couldn't get any ketchup out of the bottle.

 

[subaqua]

Smack the bottom. Smack it harder my wife said in an excited tone.




But I still couldn't get any ketchup out of the bottle.

you not supposed to smack the bottle against the bottom tho

 

[screenman]

I am waiting for SRW to come on and say the joke was posted on the 2nd October 2006, just to take the fun out of things.

 

[Archie_tect]

2006 was a funny year.