Any good jokes ... ?

[ufkacbln]

Or....


AN expedition finds a viking forzen in the ice, in perfect condition. Prepering for an autopsy they are amazed that when the Viking is defrosted he starts breathing.

He recovers all his body functions, but seems to have no neural function.

Johohosephat Walker was a famous pyschologist an neourologist and summonsed to give his advice.

After 6 months there is no response, no improvement and the Viking remains comatose


Which just goes to show

"You can take a Norse to Walker, but you cannot make him think"

 

[Alex H]

Paddy Murphy applied for a job at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin

A Frenchman applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the Frenchman the job."

Murphy asked, "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish, surely I should get the job."

The Manager replied, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."

Murphy exclaimed, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another??!!"

"Simple”, said the Manager. “On question No. 7, the Frenchman wrote, 'I don't know...'”

“...and you put down, 'Neither do I'."

 

[screenman]

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where
did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was
walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode
up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes
and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly,
"Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

 

[subaqua]

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where
did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was
walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode
up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes
and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly,
"Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

definitely mechanical engineering students !

 

[subaqua]

one from my 7 yr old

why don't seagulls fly across bays.

because if they did they would be baygulls ( Bagels)

 

[morrisman]

I tried to make a belt out of a bunch of old wristwatches.

It was a complete waist of time

 

[ufkacbln]

Hooray Henry is out in the Country for a little slaughter of the local wildlife when he finds a young lady lying naked in the grass and making suggestive lewd gestures

He asks her if she is game for a little sport.... she seductively replied "Yes"

So he shot her

 

[Slioch]

One of my mates entered a dog at Crufts this year.

He got a 6 months suspended sentence and a £200 fine.

 

[screenman]

Hi there

Just been to the doctors and he said I shouldn't eat anything fatty

So I said like hi fat or saturated fats

He no just don't eat anything Fatty, cheeky git

 

[Markymark]

Hi there

Just been to the doctors and he said I shouldn't eat anything fatty

So I said like hi fat or saturated fats

He no just don't eat anything Fatty, cheeky git

I was in my local newsagents and I asked for a KitKat chunky.
He said here you go.
I said, no, an ordinary KitKat you fat git

 

[ayceejay]

A guy was a bit lost on his way to Leatherhead so he wound a window down and called out to a passer by.
"Leathererhead?" he asked
"Fish face" came the reply.

 

[swee'pea99]

A guy was a bit lost on his way to Leatherhead so he wound a window down and called out to a passer by.
"Leathererhead?" he asked
"Fish face" came the reply.

Reminds me of an ancient (WW2 vintage) Max Miller:

"I was on a tube the other day and a woman asks me 'Is this Cockfosters?' I said 'The name's Miller, ma'am.'"

 

[threebikesmcginty]

The bed and breakfast I just stayed in was so cheap the landlady said I'd have to make my own bed.
When I got there she handed me a bundle of wood and some nails.

 

[ayceejay]

 

[subaqua]

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silly Fakir