DaveReading
Don't suffer fools gladly (must try harder!)
- Location
- Reading, obvs
Very good !
Any good jokes ... ?
- Thread starter cisamcgu
- Start date
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Toshiba Boy
N+1er
- Location
- By the beach, West Zummerzet
Dayvo
just passin' through
- Location
- 59° 50′ 5.55″ N, 10° 47′ 41.89″ E
Chris S
Legendary Member
- Location
- Birmingham
A Tibetan monk has been discovered in the mountains of Nepal. He is considered the oldest person in the world at 201 years old.
He is in a state of deep trance or meditation called "takatet".
When he was first discovered in a mountain cave they thought he was a mummy.
However, scientists examining what they thought was a mummy discovered that he had vital signs and was alive!
Among his things, they found a piece of paper that said, "Stop believing all the BS you read on the Internet."
He is in a state of deep trance or meditation called "takatet".
When he was first discovered in a mountain cave they thought he was a mummy.
However, scientists examining what they thought was a mummy discovered that he had vital signs and was alive!
Among his things, they found a piece of paper that said, "Stop believing all the BS you read on the Internet."
Chris S
Legendary Member
- Location
- Birmingham
Chris S
Legendary Member
- Location
- Birmingham
Last edited:
Dayvo
just passin' through
- Location
- 59° 50′ 5.55″ N, 10° 47′ 41.89″ E
Dayvo
just passin' through
- Location
- 59° 50′ 5.55″ N, 10° 47′ 41.89″ E
Mike Ayling
Veteran
- Location
- Melbourne Downunda
CHRISTMAS PARTY
FROM:
Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 20st October 2021
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on
December 20th, starting at midday in the private function room at the Grill
House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band
playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along.
And don't be surprised if the CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00p.m. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that
time; however, no gift should be over $20.00 to make the giving of gifts easy
for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! The CEO will make
a special announcement at the party.
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Pauline
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM:
Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 24th October 2021
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with
Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're
calling it our 'Holiday Party'. The same policy applies to any other employees
who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols
sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Pauline.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM; Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 25th October 2021
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a
non-drinking table... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this
request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, 'AA Only', you wouldn't be
anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that $20.00 is too much money and Management believe $20.00 is a little cheap.
NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Pauline.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM:
Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 28th October 2021
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 15th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.
There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time
of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill
House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else
package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will
that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest
from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the
toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table too. And what is LGBTI?
To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed. We
will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for
those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest those people
with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as
dessert for Diabetics; the restaurant cannot supply 'No Sugar' desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!
Ahhhh yes. No Celestial, the party is not on Instagram or Twitter.
Pauline.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM:
Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All F***ing Employees
DATE: 29th October 2021
RE: The F….. Holiday Party.
Vegetarians and Vegans…
I've had it with you people !!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill
House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest
from the 'grill of death', as you so quaintly put it, you'll get your f,,,,,,
salad bar, including organic tomatoes, but you know tomatoes have feelings too, They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing the scream right NOW !!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink, drive and die.
The Witch from HELL!!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM:
John Benson.( Acting Human Resources Director )
TO: All Employees
DATE: 1st November 2021
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline a speedy recovery, and I'll
continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the Management has
decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of
the 20th December off with full pay.
John Benson.
-----------------------------------------
Q: What kind of bird can write?
A: A PENguin.
Q: How do you call an Eskimo cow?
A: An Eskimoo!
Q: What do you get if you cross a Christmas tree with an iPad?
A: A pineapple!
Q: Why did Scrooge keep a pet lamb?
A: Because it would say, "Baaaaahh humbug!"
Q: What's Santa Claus's favorite track & field event?
A: North Pole-vaulting!
Q: Who is a Christmas tree's favorite singer?
A: Spruce Springsteen.
Q: What do you call a bankrupt Santa?
A: Saint Nickel-less.
Q: Why did they couple get hitched on the 24 of December?
A: So they could have a married Christmas.
Q: What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
FROM:
Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 20st October 2021
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on
December 20th, starting at midday in the private function room at the Grill
House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band
playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along.
And don't be surprised if the CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00p.m. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that
time; however, no gift should be over $20.00 to make the giving of gifts easy
for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! The CEO will make
a special announcement at the party.
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Pauline
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM:
Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 24th October 2021
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with
Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're
calling it our 'Holiday Party'. The same policy applies to any other employees
who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols
sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Pauline.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM; Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 25th October 2021
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a
non-drinking table... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this
request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, 'AA Only', you wouldn't be
anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that $20.00 is too much money and Management believe $20.00 is a little cheap.
NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Pauline.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM:
Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 28th October 2021
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 15th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.
There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time
of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill
House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else
package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will
that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest
from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the
toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table too. And what is LGBTI?
To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed. We
will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for
those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest those people
with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as
dessert for Diabetics; the restaurant cannot supply 'No Sugar' desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!
Ahhhh yes. No Celestial, the party is not on Instagram or Twitter.
Pauline.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM:
Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All F***ing Employees
DATE: 29th October 2021
RE: The F….. Holiday Party.
Vegetarians and Vegans…
I've had it with you people !!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill
House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest
from the 'grill of death', as you so quaintly put it, you'll get your f,,,,,,
salad bar, including organic tomatoes, but you know tomatoes have feelings too, They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing the scream right NOW !!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink, drive and die.
The Witch from HELL!!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM:
John Benson.( Acting Human Resources Director )
TO: All Employees
DATE: 1st November 2021
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline a speedy recovery, and I'll
continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the Management has
decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of
the 20th December off with full pay.
John Benson.
-----------------------------------------
Q: What kind of bird can write?
A: A PENguin.
Q: How do you call an Eskimo cow?
A: An Eskimoo!
Q: What do you get if you cross a Christmas tree with an iPad?
A: A pineapple!
Q: Why did Scrooge keep a pet lamb?
A: Because it would say, "Baaaaahh humbug!"
Q: What's Santa Claus's favorite track & field event?
A: North Pole-vaulting!
Q: Who is a Christmas tree's favorite singer?
A: Spruce Springsteen.
Q: What do you call a bankrupt Santa?
A: Saint Nickel-less.
Q: Why did they couple get hitched on the 24 of December?
A: So they could have a married Christmas.
Q: What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
Seevio
Guru
- Location
- South Glos
Me: <spits a mouthful of blood on the floor>
Your power has grown since our paths last crossed.
Dentist: Stop. There's a sink literally right next to you.
Your power has grown since our paths last crossed.
Dentist: Stop. There's a sink literally right next to you.
