Any good jokes ... ?

[morrisman]

What is blue and doesn't weigh very much?


Light Blue

 

[screenman]

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex. I woke this morning with a huge correction.

 

[jonnysnorocket]

It was Thursday night and the old sailor gradually woke up, stiff as a plank in the hospital's ICU, with tubes up his nose & down his throat, wires all around his head monitoring every function, a hell of a pain over his left ear and a drop dead gorgeous nurse hovering over him. It was obvious he'd been in a serious accident.She looked deeply and steadily into his eyes and he heard her slowly say, "You may not feel anything from the waist down.” He managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your t*ts, then?"

 

[cosmicbike]

What's yellow and dangerous?

Shark infested custard.

 

[cosmicbike]

What do you call a gorilla with a machine gun?

Sir!

Sorry but Eastenders is on..

 

[stephec]

A gynaecologist is sat at home one night when a leaflet for local night school classes pops through the door.

Having no hobbies he has a look through it and decides to have a go at motor cycle mechanics.

At the end of the term there's three of them left on the course and they have to do an exam where they rebuild an engine observed by an examiner.

The first guy goes in and puts it all back together, "that's perfect, 100%," says the examiner.

The second one goes in and it's same again, "perfect, 100%."

Then the gynaecologist has his turn. When he's finished the examiner says, "top class, that's 105%."

The other two guys turn round and say, "hang on a minute you said we were perfect, why does he get 105%?"

"Ah," the examiner says, "the extra 5% is for doing it all through the exhaust pipe!"

 

[mrcunning]

Police have just removed a large amount of material from sir Cliff's house. Fingers crossed its not a new album

 

[Markymark]

Fishing.

For when you want a relaxing afternoon but still get to murder something.

 

[Archie_tect]

Tim Vine's Edinburgh Fringe joke,

"I've decided to sell my Hoover, well it was just collecting dust."

 

[srw]

Tim Vine's better Edinburgh Fringe joke:

"Not surprised I won again - it was Dave. They do love a repeat."

(Probably not accurately reported...)

 

[Markymark]

I've just bought a house in Newcastle. I think Jimmy Nail used to live as we keep getting his post.

It's a bit of a pain but I just mark the envelope Return To Spender

 

[Ron-da-Valli]

When I saw this newspaper headline- Young boy tossed off cliff, I mistakenly thought it was a seaside tragedy

 

[Joey Shabadoo]

Ten reasons why men are lazy.

1)

 

[Smokin Joe]

The guy who invented the wheel was an idiot. Now the guy who invented the other three, he was a genius.

 

[Profpointy]

The guy who invented the wheel was an idiot. Now the guy who invented the other three, he was a genius.

ahem, the other ONE surely?
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