Were you shy as a child?

[cyberknight]

I suspect that most people are more shy than they would admit but women have common subjects they can discuss to break the ice while men have..... FOOTBALL! Even the most tongue-tied male can open up and have a bit of footie banter with others. The small minority like me who don't have any interest in football lack that common ground and when you also don't follow rugby or cricket you're really in trouble. I notice it when I go to South Africa on business; many blokes will kick off a business meeting with a bit of banter about sport and if you're not into that scene the conversation can really falter.

I have that problem as well at work unless you talk about football or cricket your out of the loop.

 

[pepecat]

I find that if, when you meet people for the first time, you ask people stuff about themselves, mostly that goes down well. I start with boring stuff like 'what do you do?' and then i usually take them totally off guard by asking if they enjoy it. Most people are not usually asked things like that, and it tends to get them talking and then you can lead on to something else.
I figure most people like talking about themselves, and they go away thinking they've had a nice time with you and you're a lovely person, but it's basically cos they've done all the talking and you've not said anything much. Win win!

Ok, confession time....anyone here ever kept their head down to avoid someone they knew when walking along the street and you spot them in the distance? Or (even worse) crossed the street so you didn't have to talk to them cos it makes you go all squirmy and uncomfortable inside and you never know what to say?.........

 

[asterix]

Ok, confession time....anyone here ever kept their head down to avoid someone they knew when walking along the street and you spot them in the distance? Or (even worse) crossed the street so you didn't have to talk to them cos it makes you go all squirmy and uncomfortable inside and you never know what to say?.........

Must be only you, pepecat. Alternatively maybe the entire forum, except me is pretending they haven't noticed your post so as not to have to confess!

 

[Arch]

Ok, confession time....anyone here ever kept their head down to avoid someone they knew when walking along the street and you spot them in the distance? Or (even worse) crossed the street so you didn't have to talk to them cos it makes you go all squirmy and uncomfortable inside and you never know what to say?.........

Oh yes.

 

[Night Train]

Ok, confession time....anyone here ever kept their head down to avoid someone they knew when walking along the street and you spot them in the distance? Or (even worse) crossed the street so you didn't have to talk to them cos it makes you go all squirmy and uncomfortable inside and you never know what to say?.........

No, I have quite the opposite problem. I don't recognise people to avoid them.

A few years ago I was arranging to meet my girlfriend, of three years, in London after she was there for a meeting. I got to the area where she was and phoned her. It went like this:

Me: Where are you?
Her: Its ok, I can see you. Keep walking to the corner.
Me: Ok, to the corner.
Her: Do you see the crossing? Cross over.
Me: Ok crossing over now.
Her: Then turn right and keep walking.
Me: Turned right and walking.
Her: Now stop and turn around.

I had to turn around and wait for her to wave in my face before I knew who 'she' was.

I generally recognise people only in context of where they 'should be', if they are work people, or by their clothes if I met them earlier and they haven't got changed in the meantime.

 

[Kirstie]

No I've never avoided people because I was shy, I've marched past them glaring straight ahead with a face like thunder....but that was at a time when my life was going wrong, I hated everyone and thought that they all hated me! It was a long time ago now...

 

[Fran143]

I've always been very shy but have this annoying habit of talking too much when in situations where I meet new folk.

 

[funnymummy]

I generally recognise people only in context of where they 'should be', if they are work people, or by their clothes if I met them earlier and they haven't got changed in the meantime.

I'm an assistant teacher in a special needs school, 65 pupils in the entire school & only 6 children in my class, we are together 6.5 hours a day, so I know just about every child in the school on a very close basis .
My son goes to a special needs activity club once a fortnight on a Sunday, at least 10 children from my school go there - Only one recognises me when they see me there with my son, but they will all run up to me the following morning to tell me about their amazing weekend!

And to keep on topic, No, i've never been shy - shutting me up has always been the problem!

 

[yello]

..but I dpn't know much about football

Is it any surprise that so many internet forumers are shy?

I don't think I was ever shy as such, at least I never thought of myself that way. Introverted really, and remain so. I'm just not inclined to say very much (which is a bit of an obstacle to learning French!). In all seriousness, I have never really felt the compulsion to talk. I know this trait makes some people uneasy, particularly people that like to talk!, but I myself am quite relaxed about silences.

I'm happy in my own company and will waste hours just pondering stuff. I can resent the disruption to that self-exile that interaction with other people brings. Is that shy? I don't think so, I just see a hermit existence waiting for me!

I'm reminded of what a flatmate once said; in her opinion, beyond a certain age, shyness was just rude. We are all shy to some degree, was her argument, adults get over it and act socially. Harsh, but I can see where she was coming from. Keep in mind that this was the same flatmate that once dismissed all soul music as "niggers singing about sex". Not an attempt to derail the thread, but worthy repeating for it's sheer breathtaking insensitivity. Oddly, I suspect she was a very shy child. Perhaps she was over compensating.

 

[Sheepy1209]

Interesting thread - I was painfully shy as a child and teenager, ended up having a bit of a breakdown when I went to University and was referred to the local hospital for a 'Social Skills' course.

I went to one session, and the lady running it told me I didn't look at people's faces when having a conversation, and that I should.

Well blow me down with a feather! It had never occurred to me that I needed to do that - with that one tiny bit of information I was able to totally transform my life - it took a while to catch up but now although I'm still an introvert the last thing anyone would call me now is shy.

(I did look family and close friends in the eye - it was strangers I avoided).


That was back in the early eighties - my son, now 21, was diagnosed with Asperger's a few years ago and there is so much about him that I recognise - the difference is he understands himself better than I ever did. Asperger's as a diagnosis didn't exist when I was his age, and I have no idea whether it applied to me anyway - and there's nothing to gain by finding out now, my life's going just fine!

(Edit: a combination of user name and location means colleagues can easily identify me if they stumble onto this site - I think they'd be surprised by this little tale)

 

[ColinJ]

It was my first lecture at university. The lecture theatre had doors to the front and doors to the back. Over 130 students went in the front doors and ended up sat on the first 3 or 4 rows and got chatting. I was the only person who'd gone in by the other doors (to avoid the crush) and I ended up sat on the back row by myself, feeling like a leper.

I was 28 years old, 9 or 10 years older than most of the other students, and that made me feel very self-conscious. Finding myself sat at the back while everyone else was at the front made me feel worse. I was toying with the idea of sneaking toward the front when a few students noticed me looking very isolated and started pointing at me and whispering. I decided to stay put and ended up spending the entire academic year sitting by myself.

I had my own flat in the centre of Manchester so I didn't socialise with students after lectures either. In fact, I didn't even speak to another student in my first year and didn't leave my flat apart from going to the shops or to attend lectures or tutorials.

The 1980s Haçienda scene was happening less than a mile from my flat but I didn't get to hear about it until I left Manchester.

I went out 3 or 4 times in 3 years and that was only when family or friends from the Midlands came up.

I was 1 of 3 students on the shortlist for the First Year Electronic Engineering Prize but I asked for my name to be removed from the list because I couldn't stand the thought of having to attend the awards ceremony if I won!

I didn't go to any of the graduation parties; in fact, I didn't even attend my own graduation! I sneaked round to the university office about 4 weeks after graduation to pick up my certificate and had it framed for my parents since they'd missed out on seeing me graduate.

You can describe shyness to people but if they haven't experienced it for themselves, they don't have a clue what you are talking about!

 

[yello]

That's scary shy Colin. I wouldn't be surprised if you were earmarked as a bit of a weirdo by some students!

It reads like you spoke to some fellow students in the years 2 and 3, even if you didn't socialise with them. I was a mature student myself at university and whilst sociable during the day, I very rarely went to the union bar or socialised with my teenage fellow students outside of classes or at parties etc. When I did, I realised it wasn't for me really so, believe me, you probably weren't missing much! I didn't attend my graduation either... but that's because I was working!

Personally, I think there's a world of difference between shy and just quiet and/or introverted. If someone genuinely doesn't have the desire to mix a great deal with others then I see no problem. We're not all serial killers!

 

[Globalti]

Bluddy 'ell Colin, shy was the last adjective I would apply to you!

 

[ColinJ]

That's scary shy Colin. I wouldn't be surprised if you were earmarked as a bit of a weirdo by some students!

That was the problem! If I'd just got up and walked to the front that first day, things would have been okay but once I realised that I was acting strangely and that people had noticed and were talking about it, I'd created a huge psychological barrier for myself.

It reads like you spoke to some fellow students in the years 2 and 3, even if you didn't socialise with them.

At the start of year 2, I got put in a small tutorial group with a few other students. The first tutorial was very awkward because they all knew each other and recognised me as the weirdo from the back row!

What made things worse was that our tutor gave us an assignment which was to write a potted history of our lives and told us that we had to stand up in front of the others at the next tutorial to read it out. I hardly slept the night before. I'd written the most hopelessly positive description of how I ended up doing my degree aged 28. In the end I choked on it. The tutor asked if I was okay and I said that I didn't feel that I was being completely honest so I ripped up my notes and just told them what had really happened in my late teens.

They all seemed impressed by my frankness and were very friendly. They insisted that I sit with them for lectures in future. I ended up helping them with some of their assignments. But no - I still walked back to my flat every evening while they went the other way back to the student village.

Personally, I think there's a world of difference between shy and just quiet and/or introverted. If someone genuinely doesn't have the desire to mix a great deal with others then I see no problem. We're not all serial killers!

I like people as long as they are decent human beings and they treat me with respect. That's why I organise so many forum rides. My best male friend emigrated and after that I didn't have anybody to ride with and I know that I have a tendency to get isolated if I don't make the effort to fight it. It has worked out really well. I've got on okay with pretty much everybody that I've met off CycleChat.

Bluddy 'ell Colin, shy was the last adjective I would apply to you!

I hate to think which one you would use!

No, the signs are still there if you know where to look for them! The fact that I talk too much on rides is one. I catch myself doing it but I get worried by long silences because I don't want to go back to the way I was at university, never speaking to anyone. I developed a stammer for a while and that made me reluctant to speak to strangers so I have to work hard at fighting it.

On Saturday's ride, when I was talking about that dry stone wall and "Ernie Saunders' seat", I was acutely aware that I have told CycleChatters those things before. I was thinking to myself that Bokonon and PaulB had probably heard me talk about them. Then I start worrying that I'm boring people and that makes me even more nervous. It's a curse!

An interesting thread subject, but I'm sure there will be people thinking "What on Earth is that all about!" As I wrote above - if you've never experienced shyness or social phobia, you just can't really understand it. It would be like trying to understand someone's phobic fear of green pencils - "What on Earth is that all about!"

 

[yello]

I think many people can empathise with what you're describing Colin, even if it's not party-fears or social unease, then it's something. A fear of green pencils perhaps. None of us are our own idea of perfect (except my wife's father!)

You've got to let yourself be human, and say or do daft things sometimes. You just can't go picking fault with yourself all the time because your 'faults' are just not seen as you see them yourself. Others don't see it. As you respect decent human beings and recognise them for who they are, so decent human beings respect you back the same way.

For what it's worth, I cannot abide over confidence in people. I like people that can and do doubt or question themselves, have humility.

What you did in that tutorial group took incredible guts. That's not the actions of a shy person. That's something to be be proud of and take strength from.