Uncle Drago's agony column

[Drago]

Dear A Hiker Witless,

It's nice to see our Russian friends keen to help out. They get so much bad press, and it's clearly undeserved.

PS. I'm guessing the parcel with the Salisbury postcode is the bottle of perfume you promised the Missus?

 

[ebikeerwidnes]

Dear A Hiker Witless,

It's nice to see our Russian friends keen to help out. They get so much bad press, and it's clearly undeserved.

PS. I'm guessing the parcel with the Salisbury postcode is the bottle of perfume you promised the Missus?

Yes - its her birthday in a few days and I thought it would make the day memorable!

 

[Toshiba Boy]

Dear Unkie Drags

I am always learning from the lovely antics of my cute dog. He introduces himself to other dogs in the normal manner, but in such a lovely way.

As such, I thought it would help my search for a partner, and have started trying to do exactly as Poopoo does with his lady friends when he introduces himself.

However, so far, I've been shouted at slapped, kicked and punched, and now the police have been round telling me to STOP!

What do you suggest?

Doggy Friend Fred.

Dear Unkie Drags, calling Unkie Drags!

Help urgently required. I think the police have definitely sniffed me out now and are sending the dog unit round.

Squatting Fred

 

[tyred]

My dearest Uncle Drago,

I have met this wonderful new man called Donald and he really is something different from the normal.

He likes to wear colourful bright red ties and baseball caps and look really smart and dandy in his grey suit.

He also has a lovely new Tesla, so different and smooth compared to Aubrey's ancient Rapier, Dave's hideous Del boy three wheeler or Accy's little Fiat that doesn't have enough room in the back seat. Although, I do have to admit Aubrey's Sunbeam has a certain style that the Tesla lacks.

He really knows how to treat a lady too, and has offered me a free, VIP trip to visit the Kremlin and meet his friend Vladimir. It's ever so exciting. I hope this Vladimir likes me as Donald really seems to speak highly of him. What can I do to create the right impression?

I do have a few concerns though. I do wonder about his health. Is it normal for someone to be colour of Bond Bug? I am concerned he seems a bit insecure and needs to be the centre of attention at all times. He is also rather disrespectful to Bill, one of my ex's from a while ago.

He also has the smallest private parts that I've seen in my rather limited experience of these things, so not as much fun in the bedroom as I'd like. Have you any ideas how to spice things up? Bill enjoyed using cigars. Would that be a good idea?

Thank you so much,
That woman up the road

 

[Dave7]

Dear Uncle Drago.
As you know, I respect your advice and opinion which is why I beseech you now.
As you know I had given up hope re that woman up the road.
Anyway I decided on one more try so went 'big style'. I bought some special polish for the wheels on my superb Reliant Robin......I must say it looks a bit special. I thought "that will impress her!!!
By coincidence She phoned me to say she had problem with her toilet cistern and could I help. She explained the problem and being a handy sort of chap i went and bought the needed parts. Everything went well and I stopped the continual leak from the overflow.
She told me that Aubrey person had tried to fix it and failed.
She said my cock was bigger than his, it fitted better and she was very satisfied .
My query is, do I start to pursue her again ?
Will my bigger cock help ?
Once again I Wait your wise words.
Yours
Mr Todger.

 

[Drago]

Dear Todge,

You cock may be bigger,buy a floppy one will block her cistern and cause her waters to make everything moist. Not what you want.

 

[tyred]

Dear Uncle Drago,

I took that woman up the road out for a drive to the coast today in the Rapier and we had a lovely day. I even treated her some to some candy floss. Unfortunately, it got stuck in her hair.

We found somewhere with a nice view to park up for a bit and we got into the back seat so I could demonstrate it's better to have a proper car and not a three pin plug like that Dave.

Then something strange happened. Just as things were getting interesting, she opened her handbag and produced a 12" engineer's ruler and started to measure my todger and made a note in a notebook. She then produced a set of callipers and measured the diameter, and made a note.

This really killed the moment. Why would she do such a thing?

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

 

[Drago]

Dear Awning,

You know she is know locally as the Merry Widow? Each of her 14 previous husbands died while on the job. I expect she's measuring to see if the coffin lid will fit once you suffer lifeus interruptus.

That and she works at the Office for National Statistics.

 

[Pinno718]

Dear Unkal Drago

For fear of not being able to prevent Chris Rea's head from spinning (should it occur and should he come this way), I went to Screwfix to obtain some Whitworth threaded nuts and bolts. Given his omnipresence, this is highly likely. He may already be here.
The following is the conversation that took place which has lead to my dire predicament and I do not know what to do. I am currently sectioned and the only reason that I am able to contact you is because I found a Ouija board under my mattress from the last poor, misaligned inmate. I summoned the ghost of Margaret Becket and she put me on to a woman called Constance Markievicz who then put me on to some bloke called Martin Luther King Jnr who then put me on to Billy Bonds who is a distant relative of Diana Johnsons sekertary's cousin's pal whom I asked to post this using my username and password, relinquishing all control of what I can or cannot post on Cycle Chat.

Me: I need a 175mm bolt and nut - Whitworth thread.
Screwfix Bloke: A what?!
Me: Whitworths, it's an imperial thread developed by Joseph Whitworth: BSF, British Standards Fine
SFB: We have other bolts. What do you want it for?
Me: I want it for an emergency; in case Chris Rea's head starts spinning, I need to be able to stop it.
[Screwfix bloke looks at me funny and disappears. I wait. Suddenly there is a whole SWAT team coming out of a helicopter landing in the car park and there are sirens and police dogs and before you know it, I feel a sharp pain in my backside and I feel all sleepy. The next thing, is I wake up and looking down at me is a rather large woman flanked by 2 even larger very stern looking men in uniforms]

LWNT (Large woman nurse thingy): Oh you're with us! Are you okay darling? [Nodding her head condescendingly]. We're going to give you some pills sweetie and everything will be fine. Cup of tea?

So here I am. I am at my wits end. No one cares about Chris Rea's head spinning. Every time I try to explain to the shrinks the importance of not letting Chris Rea's head spin uncontrollably and that lazybodybloke told me his head attaches via Whitworth threaded bolts, they start lengthening the expected date of my release.

I am at my wits end. Can you help?

Sent on behalf of Pinno718 via the Whitehall tuck shop.

​

 

[Drago]

Dear Penelope,

It's clear that these people believe your are clinically insane.

That being the case there is only one course of action open to you - run for high political office.

All you need do is lie on your CV, pretend to be a solicitor, accept a load of freebies, and fake a robbery in which your mobile phone is stolen and you'll be shop steward at the local branch of Uber before you know it.

 

[Pinno718]

I'm Lady Penelope to you.

 

[Drago]

I'm Lady Penelope to you.

Sorry Ma'am.