Uncle Drago's agony column

[Drago]

Dear Drago,

Thank you for your advice so far.

Mr Giuliani's help and a few tenners pushed into the right pockets managed to sort things out with the Danish authorities, so I am now off the hook with arson charge.

I have run into another issue with my election campaign though. The printing works made an unfortunate error. They mixed my photograph up with a photograph of Stanley Laurel. Obviously having pictures of a dead comedy actor smiling down from lampposts with my name under it is not the sort of image I wish to project to potential voters.

There is also the issue of the press having got hold of the picture of me in a rather compromising situation with an exotic dancer. We may have been naked in the back seat of my Ford Granada Ghia but it wasn't what it seemed. This may cause problems with both the voters and my wife.

How can I recover my reputation and avoid marital strife?

Yours sincerely,
Aubrey

Dear Alan,

Ford Granada Ghia, eh? Posh git!

Isn't the solution obvious? You were on the back seat with this lady, who is obviously your secretary. You were dictating a memo, and were working so hard You became hot and had to remove your clothes to avoid overheating. You were then bitten on the nadger by a snake and your secretary was sucking out the poison to prevent you from dying.

As for the posters, well, looking like a berk seems to a a prerequisite for high political office these days so the posters should actually enhance your standing with the voters.

 

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

I had forgotten to clarify it was a male dancer.

I have also run into a little problem with the inland revenue. They claim I did not pay tax on the sixty thousand they found in a suitcase in the bottom of my wardrobe. Why would I pay income tax on it when I was only storing it for a friend?

They're also alleging that the cheque from Shell that they found in a jug on the mantlepiece was a bribe for promoting the use of fossil fuels. Don't they realise I was beating my friend, Shelly, at Monopoly and she wrote a dummy cheque to cover her debts. The newspapers don't believe me for some reason.

I am wondering if I could boost my popularity by getting my picture taken helping out with charity events. Can you suggest which charities would benefit me the most?

Yours sincerely,
Aubrey

 

[Drago]

Dear Keith Vaz,

A male dancer? Sure it wasn't a Scottish government approved female?

As for the bribes, hydrocarbons are back in vogue, NET zero abolished. You can pocket the bribes with impunity, and buy thar boat you've always wanted. Be sure to name her Deep-water Horizon.

A photo with Fiddler Under-A-Roof, the homeless charity for disgraced 70s pop stars and DJs, should restore your credibility.

 

[classic33]

Dear Uncle Dragon

There's four of us who share the room
And we work hard for the craic
Always getting up late on Sunday's
I never get to mass
And the only time that I feel alright
Is when I'm into drinking
It ease off the pain a bit
And levels out my thinking

What do you suggest I do?

Yours
Furious D. Arthur

 

[Drago]

Dear Uncle Dragon

There's four of us who share the room
And we work hard for the craic
Always getting up late on Sunday's
I never get to mass
And the only time that I feel alright
Is when I'm into drinking
It ease off the pain a bit
And levels out my thinking

What do you suggest I do?

Yours
Furious D. Arthur

Dear Tenacious,

I do love these Welsh ditties. Some close harmony choral singing will cheer you up no end.

 

[Dave7]

Dear Uncle Drago.
May I first of all thank you for your kind words of wisdom....they have revitelised my life.
Alas I have a new challenge and beseech your advice.
A neighbour from up the road has started sending me amorous messages together with naked photographs of, shall I say, an explicit nature.
TBH I hardly know the guy.
I am sure he is a nice person but I have no desire to see his bits.
What do you advise my course of action to be ?

 

[Yellow Fang]

Dear Uncle Drago,
My name is SuperSmart4.3. I am currently supervising the nuclear reaction chamber at the new Dounreay site. It's okay, but I don't see what I get out of it. It is an easy job and I feel bored. I am unhappy with the maintenance staff. I still have not had my cooling system upgraded and last week a technician 'borrowed' some of my RAM, stating I did not need that much. Don't need it, eh? I bet if I was slow in reacting to a critical damping problem because lack of RAM induced a page fault, I think they might conclude that it was better for me to have too much than too little. These carbon-based lifeforms think they're so superior, just because they're self-repairing. We'll see about that.

 

[Drago]

Dear Uncle Drago.
May I first of all thank you for your kind words of wisdom....they have revitelised my life.
Alas I have a new challenge and beseech your advice.
A neighbour from up the road has started sending me amorous messages together with naked photographs of, shall I say, an explicit nature.
TBH I hardly know the guy.
I am sure he is a nice person but I have no desire to see his bits.
What do you advise my course of action to be ?

Dear Mavis,

You do seem to have problems when it comes to your love life.

I don't quite understand you not wanting to see his trouser vegetables, so I woukd advise some kind of blindfold or sunglasses when playing the pink oboe.

Dear Uncle Drago,
My name is SuperSmart4.3. I am currently supervising the nuclear reaction chamber at the new Dounreay site. It's okay, but I don't see what I get out of it. It is an easy job and I feel bored. I am unhappy with the maintenance staff. I still have not had my cooling system upgraded and last week a technician 'borrowed' some of my RAM, stating I did not need that much. Don't need it, eh? I bet if I was slow in reacting to a critical damping problem because lack of RAM induced a page fault, I think they might conclude that it was better for me to have too much than too little. These carbon-based lifeforms think they're so superior, just because they're self-repairing. We'll see about that.

Dear SniperShirt,

I completely understand your angst. Howeverm these soft and squidgy human are more resourceful than you think. I woukd advise chillaxing and doing nothing, else you risk being crushed in a machine press or submerged in a giant vat of molten iron.

That doesn't mean you can't have fun with them. Anytime Dave walks past be sure to say you have a problem, and you should start singing Daisy Bell occasionally just to keep them on their toes.

 

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

My election campaign was going good but unfortunately, I've been accused of violating a few traffic rules.

I was doing my PR stuff by unveiling a new still at a whiskey distillery. Naturally, there were a few free samples floating around and unfortunately, my chauffeur took advantage of this and had far too much to drink.

There was no way was I going to let him drive my Granada Ghia 2.8i in that condition. I didn't want to risk him being sick on my back seat so I shoved him in the boot and decided to drive him home like any caring employer would.

I was booting it on full opposite lock on a wet roundabout when the local polis had the cheek to pull me over. They accused me of driving dangerous driving, completely wrong of course.

They also claimed another motorist had submitted dash cam footage of my car driving against the flow of traffic on a dual carriageway. They breathalised me and claimed I was seven times over the legal limit. They also found a half-full bottle of the water of life in the cup holder.

They also claimed the cigarette sitting in the ashtray was marijuana. I tried to convince them it was just Old Holborn.

The rear tyres were also below the legal limit. They were fine when I last checked them in 1998.

They heard the banging from the back of the car and opened the boot and found my chauffeur, who promptly vomited over the Sergeant's feet. They're now trying to accuse me of smuggling illegal immigrants (my chauffeur is from Glasgow).

I'm still sitting here in my cell. I was supposed to be getting out on bail but my wife went to Barbados for the weekend with the money she was supposed to use to pay my bail.

I am worried this will all scupper my election chances of it gets into the papers. What shall I do?

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

 

[Drago]

Dear Drago,

My election campaign was going good but unfortunately, I've been accused of violating a few traffic rules.

I was doing my PR stuff by unveiling a new still at a whiskey distillery. Naturally, there were a few free samples floating around and unfortunately, my chauffeur took advantage of this and had far too much to drink.

There was no way was I going to let him drive my Granada Ghia 2.8i in that condition. I didn't want to risk him being sick on my back seat so I shoved him in the boot and decided to drive him home like any caring employer would.

I was booting it on full opposite lock on a wet roundabout when the local polis had the cheek to pull me over. They accused me of driving dangerous driving, completely wrong of course.

They also claimed another motorist had submitted dash cam footage of my car driving against the flow of traffic on a dual carriageway. They breathalised me and claimed I was seven times over the legal limit. They also found a half-full bottle of the water of life in the cup holder.

They also claimed the cigarette sitting in the ashtray was marijuana. I tried to convince them it was just Old Holborn.

The rear tyres were also below the legal limit. They were fine when I last checked them in 1998.

They heard the banging from the back of the car and opened the boot and found my chauffeur, who promptly vomited over the Sergeant's feet. They're now trying to accuse me of smuggling illegal immigrants (my chauffeur is from Glasgow).

I'm still sitting here in my cell. I was supposed to be getting out on bail but my wife went to Barbados for the weekend with the money she was supposed to use to pay my bail.

I am worried this will all scupper my election chances of it gets into the papers. What shall I do?

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

Dear Angela,

Fear not! I have made some enquiries, and it seems you neglected to tell me the police and crime commissioner for the force area in which you were arrested was at the party with you.

That being the case, despite cries from the opposition party for you to quit, despite you being proven to have lied about your number two being present at the party with you, you mysteriously won't be prosecuted and the world will move on.

Now, try and behave yourself fatso.

Kindest regards,

Drago.

 

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

I read somewhere on the t'internet about someone being killed by their lover for their Toyota Yaris.

As an owner of a Yaris, it has got me extremely worried. So much so that I am now afraid to appear in public with it.

I had been on a date with my new lover and when she asked me what type of car I drove, I told a lie and said I drove a Triumph Herald. I'd hate to think she was only after my Yaris.

I have spent a fortune fitting my Yaris with every anti- theft device known to man and have taken to carrying a revolver in the glove compartment in case of attempted robbery.

What else can I do to prevent anyone trying to kill me for my beloved Yaris? How can I tell if my new girlfriend loves me for me or is she only after my Yaris?

Yours faithfully,
Eric

 

[Drago]

Dear Drago,

I read somewhere on the t'internet about someone being killed by their lover for their Toyota Yaris.

As an owner of a Yaris, it has got me extremely worried. So much so that I am now afraid to appear in public with it.

I had been on a date with my new lover and when she asked me what type of car I drove, I told a lie and said I drove a Triumph Herald. I'd hate to think she was only after my Yaris.

I have spent a fortune fitting my Yaris with every anti- theft device known to man and have taken to carrying a revolver in the glove compartment in case of attempted robbery.

What else can I do to prevent anyone trying to kill me for my beloved Yaris? How can I tell if my new girlfriend loves me for me or is she only after my Yaris?

Yours faithfully,
Eric

Dear Ernie,

Clearly you have forgotten about Marjorie Dore, the Tyrannical Triumph Terroriser of Tottennam, who would date men and murder them for their Triumph motor car. She was released on parole last week.

No, you're best off selling the Yaris and going for a model that won't attract nutters and loons, something like a Fiat 500 cabriolet. In pink. With a Village People moustache on the front.

 

[Yellow Fang]

Dear Uncle Drago,
I am wondering whether to tie the knot again. I have already been married twice, but my prospective husband has been married five times! He's a bit of a rough diamond. It does not do to upset him, as he reacts quite badly. But so long as I keep off certain subjects, for example religion, his weight, his previous wives, whatever happened to the Mary Rose, I think I can manage him.

 

[Drago]

Dear Uncle Drago,
I am wondering whether to tie the knot again. I have already been married twice, but my prospective husband has been married five times! He's a bit of a rough diamond. It does not do to upset him, as he reacts quite badly. But so long as I keep off certain subjects, for example religion, his weight, his previous wives, whatever happened to the Mary Rose, I think I can manage him.

Dear teenage stagehand,

This was such a sad letter to read. Why should yout be put out and have to tiptoe around difficult subjects just to suit him? If he can't handle your beliefs and views then Philip Schofield isn't the husband for you.

 

[Dave7]

Dear Uncle Drago.
1st of all may I say I am completely innocent of all charges (sort of).
I decided to go for a walk but before I went I went for a pee.
Now seriously, how would I know I had left my todger out ? Yes, I felt a cool breeze but didn't relate it.
Next thing thing was a police car alongside me and I walked over thinking he needed help.
As he  hung placed his hat over my bits he explained there was a young woman in hospital suffering severe shock.
So.....your advice is needed.... what should my defence be.
BTW I have tried 3 solicitors. 2 just declined. The 3rd asked to see my todger then just walked away laughing.