Uncle Drago's agony column

[Drago]

Dear Unkkie Dragster

I need your help!

You see, there is a pub way down in Milton Keynes, they call the Rising Sun, and it's been the ruin of many a poor boy, and God I know, I'm one.

You see, Mum was a tailor, sewed my Levi jeans, me dad, was a gamblin' man, down, way down in Milton Keynes.

What's a poor animal to do?

Toshtastic Crooner Boy

Dear Schooner Gal,

Easy. Tell your children not to do what I have done, spend your life in sincere misery in the house of the Rising Sun.

Dear Drago,

If someone holds a position of importance in society and the media speculate about their wife, who is conspicuous by her absence in public, what would happen to that person if the body was found under their patio?

Asking for a friend,
William.

Dear Ted,

That very much depends. Fred West ended up in chokey, and choking himself.

Boris Johnson would laugh, and bluster in such flowery language that no one would understand a word and he'd probably be let off With a £10 book token, which he would spend on wallpaper.

Keir Starmer would suspend the Labour whip from the corpse in order to divert attention from everything else he has no control over, while secretly wishing he was as thin the corpse.

Of course, if the body were stitched up in a Horizon branded Post Office sack there would be such an outcry you would be away scot free.

 

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

I have to pick up the rice in the Church where the wedding has been. I find it very boring and degrading. Father McKenzie said he'd help me, but now he says he's too busy writing sermons and darning his socks. I believe he's just a lazy lump, making excuses. I don't think he cares anymore.

My life feels empty and unfulfilling. When I go out, I put on my false face that I keep beside the door.

How can I give my life more meaning? How can I make Father McKenzie pick up his own rice and give me a rest?

Or maybe Father McKenzie could put his hand in the collection plate and buy me a Henry vacuum cleaner. I've been told they've great suction. What other use could I get out of it?

Yours faithfully
Miss E. Rigby
Liverpool

 

[Drago]

Dear Mr Digby,

I am so sorry to hear of your plight. If its any consolation, things should improve a bit now one of the main litters, a certain Mr J Lennon, has been shot. Come to think of it, where were you that day...?

 

[tyred]

Dear Mr Digby,

I am so sorry to hear of your plight. If its any consolation, things should improve a bit now one of the main litters, a certain Mr J Lennon, has been shot. Come to think of it, where were you that day...?

On the day in question, I was carrying out a few personal favours for Father McKenzie.

 

[Drago]

On the day in question, I was carrying out a few personal favours for Father McKenzie.

Ah, polishing the communion silver with his private stash of Brasso... Say no more.

 

[tyred]

Ah, polishing the communion silver with his private stash of Brasso... Say no more.

Well, we counted up the contents of the collection plate and then took it to the bank. But we stopped in the King's Arms en route. I can't remember what happened after that but I don't think we made it to the bank.

 

[Drago]

Barclays,mI presume?

 

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

I had a very traumatic experience today.

I had some business to attend to on the Main Street and I parked my car along the kerb in a designated parking place.

When I returned to my car, sometime later, I was just putting the key in to unlock the driver's door when about two dozen people came running out of an adjacent café in an aggressive manner and surrounded the front of my car and began scrabbling down at the front corner of my car.

I have no idea what this was about but it terrified me as I thought they were going to attack me or steal my car.

Have you any idea what this was all about?

Yours faithfully,
Concerned orange VW Beetle driver

 

[Drago]

Dear Adolf,

I suspect that having driven into Poland surrounded by a squadron of Waffen SS Panzers, without the correft paperwork, is what had got them slightly animated.

 

[Yellow Fang]

Dear Uncle Draco,
I worry that history will not judge me very kindly because I have had to use extreme measures to defend my country from invasion. My country is under constant threat and we are severely outnumbered. So what if I have impaled a few thousand Turks and other traitors and invaders. Granted it's unpleasant but I have to deter my country's enemies somehow. My bishops tell me that if I only tried to be pleasant to the Sultan that he would respond in kind. They have no idea. By the way, do you know anyone who would make a good archbishop? The last one is staring across the Carpathians with a stake up where the sun don't shine.

 

[Drago]

Dear Fung,

Some people like to whine, don't they? Back in my day people would pay good money to have a spike thrust up their bottom or receive a good whipping.

As for your archbishop problem, might I suggest Keith Lemon as a candidate? Your enemies will think its Jimmy Savile and will run for the hills. Well, away from the hills because that's where you are, but you get the idea.

 

[tyred]

Dear uncle Drago,

I feel my contribution to the world of popular music and entertainment is underestimated and I don't get the credit I deserve.

How can I gain the credit I deserve?

Yours faithfully,
Mr. Blobby

 

[Drago]

Dear Bobby,

The problem foe you is thar berk Noel Edmunds steals your limelight. Do to him what he did to that poor bloke- make him to a bungee jump without attaching the bungee to anything.

 

[Dave7]

Dear Uncle Drago.
Once again I find myself in need of your advice.
May I first of all express my admiration as I don't know how you cope with the pressure of advising so many of us lesser mortals.
Anyway....there is a woman up the road that has expressed her desire to ravage my body.
Now, she is 94 yrs old and in a wheelchair but hey, any port in a storm etc.
So yesterday I had the fortune to see her making her way down the pavement and I obviously thought my luck was in. However, no matter how slowly I walked she couldn't catch up with me.
What can I do to resolve my problem and quench my desire?
I have tried looking at old photographs of Maralyn Munroe with her skirt blowing up but it didn't seem to help

 

[Drago]

Dear Mavis,

Your toadying is of the highest quality. I like that.

Avail yourself of a Last of the Summer Wine annual, 1987 edition. If that full frontal centrefold of Thora Hird get your juices flowing then there is no hope for you.

Be warmed. Under no circumstances should you try and prise off the strategically played staples. The excitement may well be too much for someone of your tender disposition.