Uncle Drago's agony column

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

We have a member of staff, goes by the name Bond, that keeps losing or destroying all my equipment.

How can I make him appreciate all the effort I put into making all this stuff?

Yours faithfully,
Q

 

[Drago]

Dear Betty Boothroyd,

Issue him with those exploding condoms you've been developing. He'll pay a lot more attention when he needs you to build him a mechanical nadger.

 

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

My boss is a grumpy, arrogant so and so.

He likes real ale, classical music and literature and is incredibly dismissive of anyone who doesn't have intimate knowledge of these subjects and often talks in riddles.

He drives around in a knackered old Jag as if he was Lord of the Manor with classical music blasting from the cassette player.

How can I stop him from making me feel inferior just because I drive a Cavalier and don't have intimate knowledge of Mozart's symphonies?

Yours faithfully,
Sgt. Lewis
c/o Thames Valley Police

 

[Drago]

Dear Constable Levin,

The last thing you want is knowledge of Mozarts "symphonies", symphonies being 18th century slang for testicles.

 

[postman]

dear Uncle Drago i have just returned from The Leeds Grand Theatre and a show entitled The Drifters Girl.Why is it i can remember songs from the 60's,yet forget what i went upstairs for or what Mrs P told me just yesterday.Yours faithfully Postman

 

[Drago]

Dear.....erm.....whatsyourname?

I, errrrr, think you, uuuuhhhmmm, Tuesday afternoon. Who are you?

 

[Dave7]

Dear Uncle Drago.
I have a serious question, again of an intimate nature.
I have asked a nice lady to marry me but she said she will only marry me if I have a 10" long todger.
Now, I do like her but I'm not inclined to chop 2" off my todger.
Am I being reasonable

 

[Drago]

Dear Derek,

I'd be inclined to have the surgery and comply with her wishes. Finding a chicken that is so easily pleased is a difficult thing to do.

Regards,

Long John Van Hugendong

 

[Dec66]

Dear Drago,

My boss is a grumpy, arrogant so and so.

He likes real ale, classical music and literature and is incredibly dismissive of anyone who doesn't have intimate knowledge of these subjects and often talks in riddles.

He drives around in a knackered old Jag as if he was Lord of the Manor with classical music blasting from the cassette player.

How can I stop him from making me feel inferior just because I drive a Cavalier and don't have intimate knowledge of Mozart's symphonies?

Yours faithfully,
Sgt. Lewis
c/o Thames Valley Police

Can I just geg in here, DS Lewis? There's a DC called Hathaway in your nick, a lanky, goofy looking tw@t... Can you arrange for him to have a nasty accident which sees him end up face down in the Cherwell?

You'll thank me for this advice, trust me.

Thanks.

 

[Yellow Fang]

Dear Uncle Drago,
Do you know the way to San Jose? Is it even a real place? Is it actually in America or is it in Mexico? Is it worth a visit? Is it a good place to bring up children? What are its schools like? Is it a big place or a small place? I am guessing it's a small place. What are its main industries? What are its demographics like? What about property prices? What's the nightlife like? Do they vote Republican or Democrat? What are its communications like? What are its levels of crime like?

 

[Drago]

Dear April.

Fear not. Hathaway has been dismissed for talking patent bollards.

Dear Uncle Drago,
Do you know the way to San Jose? Is it even a real place? Is it actually in America or is it in Mexico? Is it worth a visit? Is it a good place to bring up children? What are its schools like? Is it a big place or a small place? I am guessing it's a small place. What are its main industries? What are its demographics like? What about property prices? What's the nightlife like? Do they vote Republican or Democrat? What are its communications like? What are its levels of crime like?

Dear Fing,

San Jose, or to give him his full name of Santa Jose, is the Spanish Father Christmas. He is not a place.

 

[Yellow Fang]

Dear Uncle Drago,
In your opinion, would you say 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing end them?

 

[Drago]

Dear Feng,

Time for a word from our sponsors:

Hamlet - the mild cigar from Benson and Hedges. Official cigar of CycleChat, approved by Asthma Doctors.

 

[Toshiba Boy]

Dear Unkkie Dragster

I need your help!

You see, there is a pub way down in Milton Keynes, they call the Rising Sun, and it's been the ruin of many a poor boy, and God I know, I'm one.

You see, Mum was a tailor, sewed my Levi jeans, me dad, was a gamblin' man, down, way down in Milton Keynes.

What's a poor animal to do?

Toshtastic Crooner Boy

 

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

If someone holds a position of importance in society and the media speculate about their wife, who is conspicuous by her absence in public, what would happen to that person if the body was found under their patio?

Asking for a friend,
William.