Uncle Drago's agony column

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

I was looking for advice on how to coax my girlfriend into bed with me.

I've tried everything I can think of. I've given her wonderful gifts from my shop like out of date biscuits and old apples but it still didn't work.

I've even climbed up a ladder to her bedroom window only to get it slammed shut and fall off.

When we've gone out in her car, I have tried it on on occasions but there's not much room in a Morris Minor and she hit me with her handbag.

If we are in her house, there is always the problem of her mother being there. I'd like to persuade her mother to move somewhere else, like a graveyard.

Surely as an eligible bachelor with my own shop, I should be irresistible to women?

Yours faithfully,
Arkwright

 

[Drago]

Dear Awkward,

I think I see the problem.

Might I suggest a complete face and body transplant. The Brad Pitt should see you right, but if you can't afford that the Roy Cropper is a worthy alternative.

 

[Dave7]

Dear Uncle Drago.
Before I explain my problem I must thank you for your advice. I switched the nozzle on my Henry and its much more comfortable. It must be my imagination but Henry's smile seems even bigger.
Anyway......the young woman across the road insists on undressing with the curtains open.
I phoned the police who turned up and told me it's not possible to see into her room from my bedroom. I told him....it is if you climb on top of the wardrobe.
So.......
Should I
buy a bigger wardrobe?
Buy some step ladders?
Maybe ask the lady to use the other room?
I await your wise advice.

 

[Drago]

Dear Filtthy Pervert,

I would suggest you buy some spectacles. The "lady" you've been perving at is Big Bubba form number 666. Perhaps the Dom DeLoise brand fat man dress was a little misleading.

 

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

I feel a wee bit depressed and find it difficult to see the positive side of life.

I've been feeling like this for about seventy years.

Is there anything I can do to feel more positive? I just find it so difficult as I'm surrounded by clowns and yon bank manager bam is aye trying to get my gold sovereigns.

We're all doomed. Doomed, doomed, I tell ye.

Pte. Jas. Frazer,
Warmington-on-sea.

 

[Drago]

Dear Fresian,

Why don't you man up and stand your ground? You'll find he doesn't like it up him!

 

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

When I have shore leave, I find it hard to pull women in nightclubs.

I think it due to having a wooden leg and the shoulder of my jacket is always covered in parrot shoot.

What can I do to make myself more attractive to the opposite sex?

Long John Silver,
S.V. Hispaniola

 

[Dave7]

Dear Mr Drago.
I wonder if you could help me.
I run an 'agony aunt' column. No where near as popular as yours but I find it difficult to respond to all my readers.
My readers seem mainly to be couples with erhh shall I say intimate problems.
Would you mind awfully If I redirect their questions to you?
Kind regards
Marjorie Proops.

 

[Drago]

What can I do to make myself more attractive to the opposite sex?

Put your clothes back on.

Dear Mr Drago.
I wonder if you could help me.
I run an 'agony aunt' column. No where near as popular as yours but I find it difficult to respond to all my readers.
My readers seem mainly to be couples with erhh shall I say intimate problems.
Would you mind awfully If I redirect their questions to you?
Kind regards
Marjorie Proops.

Dear Margaret,

Of course, particularly the very detailed letters with pictures enclosed.

 

[Dave7]

Put your clothes back on.



Dear Margaret,

Of course, particularly the very detailed letters with pictures enclosed.

It's Marjorie NOT Margaret..... I hate it when people spell my name incorrectly. So please Mr Droga get it right.

 

[Drago]

It's Marjorie NOT Margaret..... I hate it when people spell my name incorrectly. So please Mr Droga get it right.

Dear Madeiline,

Please 🙏 accept my sincerest apple ogies.

 

[Toshiba Boy]

Dear Aunty Draggy

To be honest, I don't know why I've written in tonight. I've got the feelin' that something ain't right.

I'm scared in case I fall off me chair. Draggy, how am I going to get down the stairs?

Tyred to the left of me, classic33 to the right, here I am stuck in the middle with Dave7.

Trying to make some sense of it all. But I can see it makes no sense at all.

Come on Draggy dear, help me steal that wheel.

Gez Rafferty

 

[Drago]

Dear Gizz,

I have the same problem. I was with Dave7 in Paris in 49, and I also recall that you were mine. Thankfully I was never stuck in your middle.

 

[Dec66]

Dear Mr. Drago

Please help us urgently, we're in a real fix.

We're in a coach in the Italian Alps, teetering on the edge of a precipice due to some over exuberant driving. The problem is that we have a lot of borrowed gold bullion at the rear of the coach which is threatening to pull us over. We're all at the front, trying desperately to maintain the equilibrium.

We need to get the gold back to the front of the coach, without tipping over the edge, and somehow get the vehicle's back wheels on the road again so we can continue our journey to Switzerland.

I told the lads with me I had a great idea. Please don't let me down.

Yours, Charlie Croker.

 

[Drago]

Dear Damp Freddie,

Take it easy. Keep the engine idling and in couple of days the balance will have shifted to the front or the bus as the rear mounted fuel tank empties, then you can retrieve the gold.

Of course, you've a long bloody walk with pockets full of gold bars but that's a problem for another day.