True Facts About Chris Rea

[Dogtrousers]

Let's face it. Chris Rea is a rebel.

 

[Drago]

Chris Rea never wears a suit without a tie. He used to be best friends with Mayor Khan but fell out badly with the man over this.

 

[grldtnr]

But how often does Chris wear a suit? Not often , mostly he is wearing double Denim , or a Texan Tux..
Definitely had his card marked by super spiv spy Accy, not that Chris cares whilst his mucking g the pigs out wearing Accys' latest Cordings apparel, he is very careful with repacking it , then whizzes the package back to Accrington I. The Porta Potty.
So far he has got away with it,as plasters the TURDIS with Amazon and DPD stickers, he tried EVRI but no one believes that they ever deliver.

 

[craigwend]

In competition to the... https://www.squirelocks.co.uk/shop/strongholdr-d16-max.html

Chris Rea is launching his ChrisReallyFeckingHardLock.Co.Uk
Gauranteed to Auberge any nerdowell who dares touch your bike or Jimmy your lock.
Made of Solid Tiunobtanium, 24 inches thick and only weighing an impressive 2 Stone 8 Pounds, bike thieves have no chance

 

[DRM]

In response to threats from Donald Trump threatening to take Greenland Land by military force, Chris Rea has been putting the Time Transit to good use, he has been working in secret with the Danish Government, going back in time to recruit Viking Warriors & Shield Maidens to defend their homeland, he even risked life & limb by bringing 40,000 berserkers back along with another 60,000 Vikings back from various territories across the Viking World, if the American Military step foot on Greenland they won't know what hit them, then they will travel to the US to pillage and raid every red state that exists

 

[Drago]

Thanks to Chris Rea's viking era time meddling there are now no virgins left anywhere in the western world. The vikings have quickly deflowered the lot.

Even worse, the viking warriors have drunk all then lager, leaving football fans sober and bereft.

 

[Dogtrousers]

Chris Rea has spent at least thirty years attempting to teach chickens to talk. "I'm not going to give up now. I'm so close." He says. In the silence that followed, one of his chickens was distinctly heard to mutter "wunker".

 

[Drago]

The Chris Rea song Down on the Beach is about oral sex, a "beach" being a Middlesborough slang term for a gentleman sausage.

 

[grldtnr]

Chris Rea has spent at least thirty years attempting to teach chickens to talk. "I'm not going to give up now. I'm so close." He says. In the silence that followed, one of his chickens was distinctly heard to mutter "wunker".

Only being able to read 'Mayan' , has created a huge obstacle to teaching Chickens not to Cluck, but at least they don't talk in the Geordie dialect.
Chris of course is from 'boro, so those chooks sprecky with a Smoggie accent,

 

[DRM]

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cpql7wdz5vyo
Australian authorities are now closer to discovering the source of mystery balls that have washed up on several beaches around Sydney, the balls have been tested and found to be made up of Faecal matter, hair, fats and even pumice stone, now Chris Rea just happens to have been transporting Vikings from Iceland to Greenland, and is believed to have also been studying early indiginous Australian Tribes and their bushcraft knowledge with his mate, Ray Mears, the Turdis is well known for it's Auberge Field Explosions & effluent leaks, so there is high probability that this is Viking Carp from the Turdis, that has dropped in the sea and washed up, once again Chris Rea denies all knowledge of this

 

[Moon bunny]

Chris Rea dreads the arrival of spring, as warmer weather brings his piles out and the only way he can get relief is by walking backwards.

 

[PeteXXX]

Chris Rea, in a previous life, appeared in 'Crossroads' as Benny's long lost brother.

 

[Drago]

Chris Rea, in a previous life, appeared in 'Crossroads' as Benny's long lost brother.

It's a little known fact that Benny's hat was knitted with hair recovered from Chris Rea's beard comb.

 

[grldtnr]

Chris Rea dreads the arrival of spring, as warmer weather brings his piles out and the only way he can get relief is by walking backwards.

He could carve himself a butt plug of Root Ginger, for it's medicinal qualities, but we all know how strange Chris with matters of Sado- masochism.
It might make him wince a bit.

 

[Drago]

Chris Rea did used to root Ginger, but one day Christian Horner came home early and caught them at it and Rea had to make a hasty escape sans trousers in the TURDIS.