True Facts About Chris Rea

[Drago]

Chris Rea invented Guinness when he discovered that the cans of Red Stripe in the TURDIS refrigerator turned a funny colour when exposed to Auberge Radiation.

The Guinness name and company history is fictitious, a tale made up by Rea to legitimise the product in the eyes of consumers. Rea chose the name Guinness in honour of his favorite actor, Laurence Olivier.

 

[Dogtrousers]

Chris Rea has announced Deep Rea, an AI system that runs on his Casio calculator. In a press conference in the luxurious Redcar scout hut he demonstrated its capabilities. The finale was when he typed in 5318008. "Look, if you turn it upside down it says boobies".

This breakthrough was made with limited investment in specialist chips. Chris says "I did need some chips, but I had a saveloy with them instead of a pie, which saved a few bob"

 

[Drago]

Chris Rea taught Patrick Moore to play the xylophone.

Sadly Moore couldn't afford a xylophone himself so they used Kate Moss' ribcage.

 

[Ming the Merciless]

Chris Rea is an avid fan of modern art. Here is a piece he created recently titled “reflections of a burnt out car”

 

[Moon bunny]

“What ho!” said Chris Rea cheerfully as he arrived at the weekly meeting of the Saltburn Whippet Racing Club, “What do you think of my new hound, Slapdash? “Pee of ya silly beggar” chorused the other members in unison “That’s a Siamese cat!” “Damn!“ said Chris Rea, “That means the missus has taken Slapdash to be neutered”.

 

[Drago]

Chris Rea dopes his race winning whippets with crack cocaine.

 

[Dogtrousers]

Chris Rea has denied that he has plans to replace himself with AI.

 

[Drago]

Chris Rea's TURDIS is currently grounded, as the American federal aid that had been funding his adventures through time and spade has been suspended by President Springsteen,

 

[DRM]

Chris Rea has been banned from all UK dog racing by the UK governing body, The Greyhound Board of Great Britain, after he was discovered to have been cheating, in his first three races, his "Greyhound" Boro Bad Boy Sling Shot (AKA Dave) won easily at Sunderland, Newcastle & Kinsley Stadiums, as all the other dogs were so scared they either cowered in the trap, ran the opposite way, or just walked round, however his rouse was discovered at Sheffield's Owlerton Stadium when a suspicous vet insisted on examining "Dave" where he found that "Dave" was actually a Cheetah, it didn't help his case that during the examination the vet lost 3 fingers and a thumb, & suffered badly bitten buttocks, when asked for a comment, Chris said "I suppose it was fun while it lasted" Dave now lives happily at Longleat Safari Park with his female companions, where he enjoys chasing cars, & jumping on parked cars to take a big dump on the bonnet.

 

[Drago]

Chris Rea's fledgling career faced a major setback in the seventies when during one TV interview the Sex Pistols, clean cut god fearing boys they were, goaded Rea into swearing live on air.

It took very subtle manipulation of the time continuum to correct that faux pas, and Rea has vowed never to say "thighs" on air again.

 

[Dogtrousers]

In an interview on Middlesborough General Hospital Radio, Chris Rea explained why he has never appeared on Strictly Come Dancing. "Of course they have invited me, they kept on inviting me until I actually bothered to go to see them. That was when they realised that I was far too talented a dancer and I would show everyone else up. They then asked me to be a judge, but I've got too many things going on in my life - what with cheating at greyhound racing, being weirdly obsessed with garden gnomes, and having a long standing feud with Richard Madely. It's hard to find time in my diary."

 

[Drago]

Chris Rea auditioned for the partmof Benny in crossroads, but the producers didn't want to dumb down the part.

 

[lazybloke]

Chris Rea secretly works for the security services.
Rea, codenamed "Double Auberge" is currently observing a suspected foreign spy "Accy", who's alarming volume of internet traffic on a range of diverse subjects (dogs, peeing, cemeteries, Linda Nolan) are thought to be coded references to critical national infrastructure.
Utterly chilling.

Rea himself, is observing from a car parked on a nearby pavement.
His assistant, Agent Drago, poses as "the bloke next door", and intercepts a number of Accy's parcels.

 

[Drago]

Instead of sleeping like a normal person, Chris Rea sets himself up for 8 hours suspended animation in the Auberge Field every night.

Thus he is ageing slower than a normal person, although oddly his beard grows at the normal rate.

 

[grldtnr]

Chris CAN read ,but only ancient Mayan hieroglyphics this puts him at a distinct disadvantage, as it's a 'dead' language, so everything has to be Google translated, which is rather awkward, as most languages of the modern world are Ro.ano- Germanic in origin.
He does have a passing knowledge of ancient Egyptian Hieroglyphics tho', that's why he broke up the Rosseta stone when he came across it on his time travels.
One advantage is he doesn't get inundated with junk mail offering him sexual supplement pills and mechanical devices to enlarge his Willie, he thinks his Sausage dog is more than big enough.

This does explain why this thread ,as yet hasn't been subject to a accusation of defamation Of character, simply because it isn't in Pictogram form, if it were In Mayan, all this rubbish would have been stopped years ago!