True Facts About Chris Rea

[grldtnr]

Chris Rea is the man behind all the knitted post box toppers.

As he such a philanthropist though he has an army of little old ladies up and down the country who he passes them to so that they can take the credit.

Being the love machine that he is ,Chris promptly offers them 'Personal Services' , all paid for with Green shield stamps and Luncheon Vouchers,.......which he redeems at the local Darby & Joan club, any left over he donates to the local soup kitchen for the homeless.
His not all bad, and likes to display a little munificence to those less fortunate than himself, he was once on the skids himself.

 

[DRM]

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/videos/c4gzgv8g1dxo
In order to deflect attention from his releasing 2 Lynx in the Scottish Highlands, Chris Rea used the Time Transit to assist in capturing them again, armed with cries of here kitty, kitty, several bags of Dreamies and a selection of plant pots with catnip, he successfully lured them into the back of the Time Transit, before dropping them off at the Highland Wildlife Park for a spot of R&R, once again he gets away with it by the skin of his teeth

It appears he used the same method to capture a further 3 Lynx in the Scottish Highlands, however he only handed 2 over and kept the 3rd one as a pet, he was seen in Pets at Home's Marton Street branch in Middlesbrough, purchasing an XL size dog harness, extra strong lead, and bulk packs of cat food, which he claimed was for his newly acquired Maine Coon Cat, called Graeme, after Graeme Souness who played for his beloved Middlesbrough F.C from 1972-1978, all the local cats in the area are now under veterinary care for PTSD after meeting "Graeme" in Chris Rea's garden, Vets are struggling to understand this previously unheard of condition in domestic cats

 

[lazybloke]

Speaking from his official channel X, Chris Rea confirmed his TURDIS trip to the Scottish Highlands was purely to release a flock of Haggis back into their natural habitat, and he has absolutely no connection to Lynx.

But he is proud of his stint in the Brut 33 adverts.

 

[Drago]

In a recent episode of Shed and Buried, Chris Rea sold his Deltic to Henry Cole, who had it powder coated British Racing Green and stuck a "Bowser" sticker on each side.

Chris Rea used the money raised to by blue LED screen washers for the TURDIS.

 

[stephec]

Chris Rea's collection of action men includes every single version in mint boxed condition.

And he only needs a frogman outfit to complete his uniform collection.

 

[Dogtrousers]

Chris Rea's collection of action men includes every single version in mint boxed condition.

And he only needs a frogman outfit to complete his uniform collection.

This is the source of the rift between Chris Rea and Richard Madeley.

Madeley possesses two pristine frogman outfits but has refused all requests from Rea for a trade. This has led Rea to dismiss Madeley as a "dabbler" and "not a proper collector".

 

[lazybloke]

This is the source of the rift between Chris Rea and Richard Madeley.

Madeley possesses two pristine frogman outfits but has refused all requests from Rea for a trade. This has led Rea to dismiss Madeley as a "dabbler" and "not a proper collector".

Another reason for their animosity is that Richard Madeley stole the first TURDIS from Chris Rea.
Alas, it was an unfinished version that could only go forward in time, never back. This is why Richard looks so much younger than Judy.

 

[Dogtrousers]

I think Bob Holness was right when he said that the only way for Chris Rea and Richard Madeley to sort out their differences is with a traditional mud wrestling bout.

 

[Drago]

Chris Rea's Deltic was involved in the Great Train Robbery as a getaway vehicle. This funded Rea's early demo tapes and an initial batch of beard fertiliser.

 

[Moon bunny]

Chris Rea has the UK’s largest captive spider, a Scaridus lookatthatun or Ecuadorian helping spider, with a body length of 6.5 cm and leg span of 25cm. In its wild habitat it helps primates such as squirrel monkeys by passing to them fruit and other food that is out of the monkeys’ reach, this stops the monkeys from eating the spiders. Chris Rea keeps his specimen in the downstairs toilet, where it satisfies its helpful instincts by living in the toilet roll tube and passing sheets of toilet paper to the toilet users.

Chris Rea’s spider, sadly has died. He is planning to replace it with a Turkmenistan useful scorpion, Screechus letmeoutus, which is helpful in two ways, firstly, it actually jumps across with tissue in its claws and wipes the toilet user’s bottom, secondly, the screams and shrieks from within let the other house occupants know the toilet is about to become vacant.

 

[lazybloke]

Chris Rea’s spider, sadly has died. He is planning to replace it with a Turkmenistan useful scorpion, Screechus letmeoutus, which is helpful in two ways, firstly, it actually jumps across with tissue in its claws and wipes the toilet user’s bottom, secondly, the screams and shrieks from within let the other house occupants know the toilet is about to become vacant.

And solves constipation in an instant

 

[Drago]

Chris Rea's Deltic is actually registered as a car, which causes much hilarity when he insists on taking it across the Dartford Drossing and only paying £1.20.

 

[DRM]

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/clyn9dgdwe3o
Due to concerns about accidentally appearing in a war zone in all the different times he visits, Chris Rea has been testing his new project, The Time Tank, he acquired a former Soviet Era T80 which has been converted to have an Auberge Field generator, and time control circuits, and test were going well, until the shonky Russian build quality came into play, in the last test, the Time Tank spectacularly failed when the turret separated from the body as the rotator ring bolts sheared off. luckily the ejector seat functioned, saving Chris, however the body of the Tank and the Turret appeared in Ukraine, where it blends in with all the other destroyed armoured vehicles, however the rotator ring landed in Mukuku Village, Kenya, where startled locals thought a bomb had gone off, one villager said that a huge metal ring landed on some farmland, it was glowing red it was so hot, and took 2 hours to cool, investigators are trying to establish where the metal ring came from, luckily the heat of re-entry has destroyed any finger print or DNA evidence, Chris Rea is quite happy that he got out safely, and there's no evidence it's anything that involves him.

 

[grldtnr]

'I never knew there was so much in it', proclaimed Chris after a long session in the lav, so long had he been in there, he had cut of the blood supply to his legs.
Shocked by the unexpected sight of his pet spider , Scardiarese lookathesize, he promptly rolled up his copy of the TV times weekly then swatted the daylights out of Dave , his pet spider.

Of course , after that there was even more in the msg, he quickly realized it was Dave he had swatted
.

 

[Drago]

Chris Rea's locomotive was bought from Arnold Schwarzenegger, who'd named the Deltic after one of his enormous deltoids.