True Facts About Chris Rea

[Tribansman]

STOP PRESS Chris Rea or the Smooth Smoggie as he's better known, has today been sectioned following concerns for his safety and a suspected personality disorder following stumbling upon this thread and entering a downward spiral when driving home for Christmas and having Siri recite post after alarming post

 

[lazybloke]

Due to poor availability of enriched plutonium in Middlesbrough shops, Chris Rea has had to refit the Turdis reactor room with batteries, and instead of a blue light the roof, there is now a 300 metre wind turbine.

It does affect stability a bit.

 

[Ming the Merciless]

Chris Rea was belting out Fog on the Tyne, when first his Turdis AI malfunctioned, and then the Auberge field burped. This has resulted in a widespread fog across the country.

 

[DRM]

It would appear that the Turdis, on December 25th, materialised over Chechnya, Russian Air Defences were suddenly terrified of what appeared to be a plastic, temporary lavatory that suddenly appeared in the night sky, so they opened fire on it in a Willy nilly haphazard manner, the auberge field backfired violently causing the shots to deflect and hit an aircraft from Azerbaijan, that was trying to land, the Azerbaijani transport ministry has blamed “outside interference” and once again Vladimir Putin was so outraged, that he had to be sedated after finding out Chris Rea had struck again, luckily the Turdis escaped unscathed, and materialised correctly back at the Teesport Time Travel Megabase

 

[Drago]

Roswell Town Council pay Chris Rea $200,000 a year to regularly divert through their airspace with all the TURDIS external lights on.

There's a $50k bonus every time he lands and walks up and down in front of witnesses while wearing a shell suit and shiny lamp shade and making "beep beep" noises.

 

[Drago]

After the hoo ha he caused at Christmas 1980 Chris Rea makes damn sure that he never lands the TURDIS in Rendlesham Forest.

 

[craigwend]

You believe they are your 'dreams', we know they are Chris Rea's fantasises and potential plans, played out in your head without your conscious consent, he leaves you fragments of evidence, but never enough to convict...

 

[Drago]

That horrible taste in your mouth when you wake up is because Chris Rea has emptied the TURDIS portapotty cassette in there.

 

[grldtnr]

Chris Rea is beginning to live rent free in my head,
I must go see a psychiatrist,whom may look like Chris De Burgh , which will make the experience even worse!

 

[lazybloke]

Chris Rea was an entirely fictional construct; originally a delusion in the vexed mind of @grldtnr.

But some 13 billion years or so after the big bang, a single residual photon of auberge radiation passed through @grldtnr's head, and against all odds hit something (!), interacting with memories stored in the neocortex, and causing a freak burp in reality that made Chris Rea flesh & blood. An evil beard is the only visible indication.

(It's believed that similar events in the cranium of @Drago created Donald Trump, Prof Alice Roberts and @Accy cyclist. The giveaways are the unnatural colours: respectively, an orange face, pink hair and what looks like tweed, but is actually Accy's epidermis).

 

[grldtnr]

Umh , I'd take Prof. Alice Roberts any day ,Pworgh!!!!!!
Maybe I can get a restraining order , not to go within a certain distance as the deflectable Ms .Roberts.
I am working on getting one for Chris Rea.,..., there's an injunction being sought for a certain Priest of the cult of Rea.

 

[lazybloke]

Umh , I'd take Prof. Alice Roberts any day ,Pworgh!!!!!!
Maybe I can get a restraining order , not to go within a certain distance as the deflectable Ms .Roberts.
I am working on getting one for Chris Rea.,..., there's an injunction being sought for a certain Priest of the cult of Rea.

Yes, for all the monstrosities in Drago's head, there has to be some good.

 

[Drago]

Umh , I'd take Prof. Alice Roberts any day ,Pworgh!!!!!!
Maybe I can get a restraining order , not to go within a certain distance as the deflectable Ms .Roberts.
I am working on getting one for Chris Rea.,..., there's an injunction being sought for a certain Priest of the cult of Rea.

Thats PROFESSOR Roberts to you, sonny!!!

 

[grldtnr]

Now don't you worry Unca Drags, I'll treat Alice very well, she will want for nuffink , the very best Babycham going , complete with a cherry on a stick, or a Mackerson milk stout if that's what she wants, heck I've even changed the bedsheets!

Umh , I'd take Prof. Alice Roberts any day ,Pworgh!!!!!!
Maybe I can get a restraining order , not to go within a certain distance as the deflectable Ms .Roberts.
I am working on getting one for Chris Rea.,..., there's an injunction being sought for a certain Priest of the cult of Rea.

 

[lazybloke]

Now don't you worry Unca Drags, I'll treat Alice very well, she will want for nuffink , the very best Babycham going , complete with a cherry on a stick, or a Mackerson milk stout if that's what she wants, heck I've even changed the bedsheets!

I think she's washing (and colouring) her hair