True Facts About Chris Rea

[Drago]

Gary Linekar is leaving the BBC because Chris Rea has threatened to out him if he stays.

Linekar will now be doing the sports analysis for Gaydar Radio, leaving no one any the wiser.

 

[TheDoctor]

Chris Rea will be releasing 'Fly Me to the Moon' for Christmas this year.
In an unusual piece of Method Singing, the recording session will take place on the Moon.

 

[TheDoctor]

Plans for Chris Rea also releasing 'Venus', "Life on Mars" and "Here Comes the Sun" have yet to be officially denied.

 

[grldtnr]

Chris likes a beverage, he got offered Bubble tea, took a sup ,and said what the fe*ks' that! Spat it out with disgust!
He is an avowed 'milk & 2 sugars, and a choccy digestive biccir man.

 

[Drago]

Chris Rea is tipped to,star in the new Man in a Suitcase spin-off feature film, Man in a TURDIS.

 

[Ming the Merciless]

Gary Linekar is leaving the BBC because Chris Rea has threatened to out him if he stays.

Linekar will now be doing the sports analysis for Gaydar Radio, leaving no one any the wiser.

The true Lineker is locked up with Richard II in the Tower of London in June 1399. This was after a drunken night out with Chris Rea, and King Richard II went a bit wrong when Henry invaded. The reason Henry met little resistance was the huge amount of mead consumed.

Chris got away and recruited the lookalike Linekar to cover his tracks.

 

[lazybloke]

Chris Rea was taking a temporal inter-dimensional flight in his time machine across Europe in the 1980s when electrical fields from the CERN linear accelerator collapsed his auberge field causing an emergency landing in Geneva where he carelessly dropped his smartfone.

The device was discovered & investigated by Tim Berners-Lee, who after probing its software, 'invented' the world wide web.

It's a good job Tim didn't like games, or we would have had Angry Birds 20 years earlier.

 

[DRM]

Chris Rea is working on a new project at his secret Teesport time travel megabase, he is working on the ability to transport several time tourists at once in a large Portakabin WC, with a view to starting sustainable history tours through time, the name of the new company will be The Smoggie Boggie Travel. Co, as Elon Musk has SpaceX, the actual Mega-Turdis will be officially named TimeX

 

[Drago]

The middle service tunnel in the Channel Tunnel is deliberately sized to allow Chris Rea to pass through without his beard touching the sides.

 

[lazybloke]

At maximum auberge field-strength, the turdis makes a very effective Tunnel Boring Machine.

Balfour Beatty sunk millions investing in the technology, and were delighted to find Chris Rea could produce millimetre-perfect tunnels in 3 dimensions.

Sadly the tunnels also spanned the 4th dimension, so were not navigable by trains or cars.

 

[Drago]

Chris Rea, rabid fan of history thar he is, used the TURDIS to visit Tudor times.

Saldy the highly magnetic Auberge Field caused a guards sword to swing uncontrollably and it accidentally chopped off Anne Boleyn's head.

 

[DRM]

In relation to the above, Chris Rea found some parchment, and being the cheeky chap he is, managed to blag an autograph from Henry VIII, this proved invaluable as bouncing around in time to visit the many Monasteries and Priories and Convents to investigate life in them, between 1536 & 1541, he wreaked havoc once again, as each visit also included a large auberge field explosion that wrecked the building and made the inhabitants run for their lives, he got his autographed parchment and forged an order from Henry VIII to destroy, and dissolve ye Catholic buildings, so that once again he dodged a bullet, and got someone else blamed, and vilified for a terrible act

 

[Drago]

Chris Rea was living peacefully at his lair on Pitcairn Island but had to move when the Bounty mutineers landed.

 

[lazybloke]

In addition to singing, Chris Rea has a crazy circus act of juggling cordless angle grinders.

Which is why he's no longer welcome on Top of the Pops.

 

[Drago]

Chris Rea has, at one time or another, been married to every member of Legs & Co.