True Facts About Chris Rea

[DRM]

Our Chris, who art in Boro,
hallowed be thy name,
thy might get done
for flying the Turdis
on earth and through heaven
give us this day our daily history lesson
as we forgive your trespasses in time and space
lead us not into driving home for Xmas
but deliver us from evil (the spice girls)
amen

 

[stephec]

When Chris Rea puts his hand under his armpit to make a fart noise it's so realistic that it even makes a smell that could be blamed on the dog.

 

[Drago]

There are rumours that Chris Rea has two penises.

This remains unsubstantiated, although it has been noted that the underpants hung on his washing line are W fronts.

 

[grldtnr]

Our Chris, who art in Boro,
hallowed be thy name,
thy might get done
for flying the Turdis
on earth and through heaven
give us this day our daily history lesson
as we forgive your trespasses in time and space
lead us not into driving home for Xmas
but deliver us from evil (the spice girls)
amen

Howay, wa ' aye man , that's reet gadgy !

 

[Drago]

Chris Rea is now embroiled in a 'cash for access' row involving the new government.

A chap called Keith Strummer is giving Rea cash for access to the TURDIS innorder that he can go back and undo all the c__k ups he's made.

It isn't working, but Rea is enjoying the cash for snoozing all day at the House of Lords.

 

[grldtnr]

To help maintain his distinctive voice ,Chris gargles with broken glass and hydrochloride acid, and eats lead acid batteries spread with inch thick marmite.
He says ' the lead acid batteries take the edge of the marmite '

 

[grldtnr]

For a favourite tea time treat he eats gravel and peanut butter sarnies, if he overindulges ,the can do pebbledashing ,but you have to wait at least 24 hrs, and be at home whilst he doescit , cash in hand of course, no VAT, no invoice, but 100% satisfaction guaranteed , for Chris anyway

 

[Dogtrousers]

Chris Rea likes to set a good example

 

[lazybloke]

Chris Rea is now embroiled in a 'cash for access' row involving the new government.
A chap called Keith Strummer is giving Rea cash for access to the TURDIS innorder that he can go back and undo all the c__k ups he's made.
It isn't working, but Rea is enjoying the cash for snoozing all day at the House of Lords.

Strummer's first time travelling request of Chris Rea was to recommend a nice warm coat to a friend because standing at the Cenotaph in November could be a bit nippy.

His 2nd request was to tweak the result of a 2016 referendum.
"Ugh, not again...." groaned Rea; and over a few pints he regaled Strummer with tales of how every recent PM has asked to "arrange" different results.

The most successful outcome had an inauspicious start of Cornwall declaring independence from Westminster, but both Kernow and the remaining UK quickly prosper.
The success is chronicled in the blockbuster movie "Passport to Penzance", but a pivotal scene involving the British PM caused a diplomatic incident because the wrong breed of pig was cast as the co-star.

"Don't you know your Tamworth from your Oxford Sandy & Black?" raged the PM, "Bring me Chris Rea!"

And that's how we ended up with this new reality of a 52:48 result instead.

 

[lazybloke]

Ah, the Priest ,Sin Bosun of the cult of Chris Rea made '101' , now he ought to recite our lord ,Chris Reas' daily prayer.

Erm.....

Oh divine muse of melody,
Voyager through time,
Whose voice carries echos of roads long travelled
and who guitar strums chords of distant realms (Teeside)

Through melodies sweet
He bends the clock
Moments blow in the wind
Like sand, on the beach.

Your music paints the sky
Your dunny rends the firmament
With every chord a portal opens
Let's dance


Auberge

 

[Drago]

Chris Rea thought Judas Priest was a real person.

 

[Dogtrousers]

Judas Priest is president of the Chris Rea fan club

 

[grldtnr]

Anyone got Chris Reas' email, ......

 

[Dogtrousers]

Chris Rea doesn't have an email address. His army of garden gnomes deal with all his correspondence

 

[lazybloke]

Chris Rea doesn't have an email address. His army of garden gnomes deal with all his correspondence

Chris Rea has a fierce rivalry with Santa, especially as he suspects that the Christmas Sleigh operates on stolen 'auberge field' technology. How else does Santa visit every house in one evening?