True Facts About Chris Rea
- Thread starter Drago
- Start date
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Dogtrousers
Kilometre nibbler
Chris Rea doesn't have an email address. His army of garden gnomes deal with all his correspondence
lazybloke
Ginger biscuits and cheddar
- Location
- Leafy Surrey
Chris Rea has a fierce rivalry with Santa, especially as he suspects that the Christmas Sleigh operates on stolen 'auberge field' technology. How else does Santa visit every house in one evening?
OP
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Drago
Legendary Member
- Location
- Suburban Poshshire
Chris Rea started the rumours that Santa Pod was named after father chrismas' missing testicle.
grldtnr
Über Member
Chris Rea has a long list of former girlfriends, Ena Sharples, Nora Batty, Thora Hird, Hilda Odgen one high class bint was that Hyacinth Bouquet ,aka Bucket, .....you can see where all that is going,
Lucky for Chris he got to the TURDIS, so could easily fit one to the other.
Must be a northern thing......
Lucky for Chris he got to the TURDIS, so could easily fit one to the other.
Must be a northern thing......
OP
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Drago
Legendary Member
- Location
- Suburban Poshshire
Thanks to an unfortunate accident involving a rubber band, a condom, and the TURDIS, Chris Rea is his own Grandson.
grldtnr
Über Member
Perhaps that's why he hasn't heard, about this thread,or has a sense of the absurd, and is letting things slide.
But ......
Ming the Merciless
There is no mercy
- Location
- Inside my skull
Chris Rea parked his turdis to watch the Dam Buster practice. They were terrible missing the dam each time. He then left but a misfire destroyed the dam.
Dogtrousers
Kilometre nibbler
Adam and the Ants' debut album was originally going to be called "Chris Rea Wears Grey Socks with a Little Red Stripe Down Them" but at the last minute the name was changed to "Dirk Wears White Sox" because the people doing the album cover were short of letters for their John Bull printing kit.
OP
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Drago
Legendary Member
- Location
- Suburban Poshshire
Chris Rea's favourite passtime is to don a raincoat and walk through the town centre at night shouting, "THIS MEANS NOTHING TO ME, OH VIENNA!"
DRM
Guru
- Location
- West Yorks
Chris Rea took the Turdis back to 17th October 1962, to Cuba, as he wanted to find out about why the Soviet Union had installed nuclear missiles on the island, as usual the Turdis backfired and the Auberge field created a huge electromagnetic pulse, this fried the electronics inside the ICBM’s rendering them huge tubes of useless scrap metal, to say Nikita Krushchev was apoplectic with rage was an understatement, luckily Chris being a very accomplished electronics engineer realised what had happened and immediately set off for the Whitehouse, he told President Kennedy what had happened, and recommended that he hold his nerve, eventually on the 28th October Krushchev had the missiles shipped back to the Soviet Union under warranty, but President Kennedy claimed the glory, Nikita Khrushchev was even more furious as The Moskva ICBM Co Ltd, said it was customer damage which wasn’t covered under the warranty, thus ensuring that the Soviets were no longer able to place missiles so close to the USA again, President Kennedy secretly awarded Chris Rea a Purple Heart and a box of Hershey Bars, but sadly ignored the advice to stay away from Texas
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Drago
Legendary Member
- Location
- Suburban Poshshire
The FAA have banned Chris Rea and the TURDIS from Californian airspace due to fears the Auberge Field could trigger the San Andrea's fault and bring about a mega quake.
Rea gets round this by going back in time to before the ban was issued when travelling to the state.
Rea gets round this by going back in time to before the ban was issued when travelling to the state.
grldtnr
Über Member
Are you sure Drags', you didn't misheard him,
I heard he does have a beige 'flasher Mac ' , which of course he does, the lyric goes 'this means nothing to me, here's my Wiener'....which is of course an American slang term, for his aforementioned 'W' fronts.....
OP
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Drago
Legendary Member
- Location
- Suburban Poshshire
During the planning for operation Black Buck the RAF considered commandeering Chris Rea's TURDIS and using it to sweep the Argentinian positions with Auberge Radiation. In return the RARmwould have lent Rea a Vulcan for the duration.
DRM
Guru
- Location
- West Yorks
Chris Rea following up his investigation into the Soviet Union, went back to 1959, the Turdis GPS system however threw a huge wobbly and the Turdis found itself over the Dyatlov Pass in the Ural Mountains, instead of Moscow, unbeknown to Chris a university skiing expedition were asleep in their tents below him, as he gave the GPS panel a wallop it caused another huge Auberge field explosion, this caused a slab avalanche to cover the sleeping campers, who stunned by the huge bang, which blew their tents to shreds, and blew their clothing off, tried to runaway, but were unable to beat the avalanche, some people believe a Yeti was responsible for the deaths of the skiers, but it was just Chris in a huge fur coat and hat trying to find his thermos and sandwiches that fell out of the Turdis when the explosion occurred, he quickly got away as he knew that Nikita Khrushchev was after him from previous incidents, and didn’t want the Turdis to fall into Soviet hands, he wasn’t too worried about being sent to Siberia as he had previously been to Peterlee, and thought the two places were similar
