True Facts About Chris Rea

[Ming the Merciless]

Henry the VIII attended This is Your Life for Chris.

 

[Grant Fondo]

A young Chris in his first prototype time machine. This photo c.1960 is the only one in existence, although archaeologists discovered the vehicle in 1878 buried in rocks from the Triassic period just west of Khartoum in Sudan.

 

[stephec]

Chris Rea was lined up as Roger Moore's replacement for James Bond, but he blew his audition by keeping on insisting that, 'it's bloody stirred, not shaken you daft buggers.'

 

[Drago]

Chris Rea was lined up to play Ernst Stavro Blofeld, his punchline being "you're a fool (if you think it's over) Mr Bond."

Sadly he had to be replaced after discovering he was allergic to Blofeld's white cat.

 

[Grant Fondo]

Richard Gaunt dropped his then current role as the the lead in Man In A Suitcase as last minute replacement for Chris who had started filming The Champions, but had fallen out with the producers. Problems arose when Queen were chosen over him to perform the theme tune, although they are all Chris's original lyrics.

 

[Drago]

Chris Rea flew his TURDIS over Lebanon yesterday, completely unaware of the carnage the leaking Auberge Field was having on the electrical devices below.

Once he realised what had happened he phoned the Daily Mail and blamed it on the Mossad.

 

[Grant Fondo]

A regular sight on the A19! Chris heading north, just outside Thirsk, Dec 24th 2023.

 

[DRM]

in the early hours of the morning, today Wednesday 18th September the Turdis appeared over the Russian Tver region at the Town of Toropets, due to a navigational error, after visiting another historical site, once again the Auberge Field backfired spectacularly over a group of warehouses in which the Russians were storing around £30 million worth of fuel and ammunition, the ensuing fireball was visible from space, as well as causing a minor earthquake, luckily the explosion put the Turdis back on course to land at Chris Rea’s secret workshop in Middlesbrough, with only a slightly blackened exterior of the Turdis, and slight singeing of his beard, Putin was not available for comment, but a Russian spokesman said off the record that “He went absolutely apesh*t”

 

[lazybloke]

Chris Rea has acting history, and was lined up to be the 15th Doctor Who. The role only went to Ncuti Gatwa because Rea wasn't happy with the pay. He was escorted off the site after screaming at Russel T Davies, "I don't want a ####### cycle to work voucher, give me a company tardis!"


Rea was last seen retreating to his garden shed workshop, muttering something about building his own time machine.

 

[Drago]

Chris Rea hasn't been seen since he bought a box full of old pagers on Ebay and sold them to Hezbollah at a huge profit.

 

[stephec]

Ever since Chris Rea discovered CC whilst idly googling his own name he's become obsessed with the style advice of @Accy cyclist

Rumour has it that he won't get dressed in the morning before consulting his guru, and he looks at him in the same way as he used to with Trinny and Suzannah.

 

[Drago]

During a recent visit to Accrington, Chris Rea parked the TURDIS in a disabled bay outside a posh looking block of flats.

When he returned to the vehicle he was assaulted by a well dressed chap who slapped Rea with his glove while shouting mortal insults such as "cad", "bounder", "where is your tie and bowler hat, you second class fellow of doubtless colonial origin?"

Rea, deeply traumatised by this, vowed to never to travel North of Milton Keynes again.

 

[DRM]

Chris Rea recently went back to Toronto Canada, 1974 to see the beginnings of an up and coming prog rock band called Rush, he met up with Neil Peart, Geddy Lee, and Alex Lifeson, telling them they were going to be huge, and were destined to fill stadium gigs, they were sceptical, but being interested in science fiction they agreed to let Chris take them out in the Turdis, he took them forward to the year 2112, to see what the future held, then back to 9th April 1483 to witness the death of Edward IV, this experience gave the band much food for thought, and musical inspiration, the actual Time travel inspired their song Fly By Night, their trip to the future a full concept album called 2112, and the trip into the past a title for the album, A Farewell To Kings, luckily there were no mishaps and all four travellers returned unscathed, Chris is very proud that he helped Rush become a top Rock Band

 

[stephec]

Chris Rea was the first Milk Tray Man, ironically he only likes dark chocolate though so he did know the secret of the Black Magic box.

 

[Drago]

Chris Rea visited New York in 1980.

At that exact moment a John Lennon fan, delighted to see his idol emerge from the Dakota building, fired his revolver into the air as a form of salute.
Unfortunately the round bounced off the Auberge Field as the TURSIS materialised and the ricochet struck Lennon, killing him outright.