True Facts About Chris Rea
- Thread starter Drago
- Start date
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OP
OP
Drago
Legendary Member
- Location
- Suburban Poshshire
Chris rea's TURDIS is often mistaken for santa's sleigh by drunk schoolchildren.
Dogtrousers
Kilometre nibbler
Chris Rea knows the last digit of the decimal expansion of Pi.
OP
OP
Drago
Legendary Member
- Location
- Suburban Poshshire
Chris Rea's TURDIS has killed more pensioners than Harold Shipman.
Grant Fondo
Guru
- Location
- Cheshire
I bought a fake football top off Chris in Thailand at the weekend.
At least I thought it was him.
At least I thought it was him.
Dogtrousers
Kilometre nibbler
Chris Rea's home pickled onions are famous throughout the north east and command a high price at car boot sales. No one dares pass off imitations for fear that Chris might find out and take a terrible revenge.
Ming the Merciless
There is no mercy
- Location
- Inside my skull
Chris gets his pickled onions from Ghengis Khan
DRM
Guru
- Location
- West Yorks
On 15th February 1944, the Turdis appeared over Monte Cassino, Italy, as Chris watched the WW2 action below him, seeing B-17 Bombers, B26 Mitchell and B25 Maurader bombers flying round when a sudden huge backfire from the Auberge field blew the Monte Cassino Monastery to bits, as usual the US Airforce claimed their bombers had done it, thus ensuring Chris got away with it, contemporary reports from the time reveal no German soldiers were killed, but several troops who were in the latrines at the time suffered scorched and blackened buttocks, and some even fell into the long drop and had to be rescued, the commander of German Forces was recorded in diary as saying WTF was that!
OP
OP
Drago
Legendary Member
- Location
- Suburban Poshshire
During WW2 Operation Crossbow was established to combat the perceived threat of a new Nazzie Wunderwaffen. In reality the V1 cruise missile did not actually exist, the rumours having been fuelled by sightings of Chris Rea's TURDIS.
Seevio
Guru
- Location
- South Glos
Chris Rea once found an old picture of his grandmother as a young woman. It was at that point he realised he was his own grandfather.
DRM
Guru
- Location
- West Yorks
In breaking business news, Chris Rea's pickled onions will be available at all good Fish & Chip Shops, to compliment the traditional British Takeaway, he is currently working on a high quality pickled egg, to add to his portfolio, this comes from extensive research taken via the Turdis, from the late 1940's to to 1975, where he interviewed several home producers of the delicacies for the perfect pickling recipie, look out for the "Rea's Perfect Pickles" Brand at your local chippy today!
OP
OP
Drago
Legendary Member
- Location
- Suburban Poshshire
There was no bouncing bomb in WWII.
During one historic visit to WWII Germany the TURDIS malfunctioned badly and lost all of its coolant. Chris Rea lowered the altitude and tried to scoop up some river water but the speed was too great and the TURDIS tumbled out of control, bounced along the surface of the river and destroyed several dams.
The RAF knew the truth as their pilots had seen the TURDIS several times and even captured gun camera film of the craft. However, there was a genuine fear of public panic if the knowledge were made public so the dam busting was credited to Bomber Command.
During one historic visit to WWII Germany the TURDIS malfunctioned badly and lost all of its coolant. Chris Rea lowered the altitude and tried to scoop up some river water but the speed was too great and the TURDIS tumbled out of control, bounced along the surface of the river and destroyed several dams.
The RAF knew the truth as their pilots had seen the TURDIS several times and even captured gun camera film of the craft. However, there was a genuine fear of public panic if the knowledge were made public so the dam busting was credited to Bomber Command.
lazybloke
Priest of the cult of Chris Rea
- Location
- Leafy Surrey
After experiencing the road from hell on a long drive home for Christmas; Chris Rea was disappointed by a dry and unimaginative Turkey dinner.
In search of new culinary delights, he tried Dodo; a meat so delicious and succulent that it became a staple in the Rea household, not just at Christmas but for weekly roasts, fajitas, sliced in sarnies, and Rea's personal favourite: Dodo nuggets.
Ever the businessman, Rea now supplies Dodo meat to friends, family and other contacts in the Teesside area, and even across county lines.
PETA are going to be furious when they realise that Chris Rea is the first man in history to be personally responsible for the extinction of an entire species.
In search of new culinary delights, he tried Dodo; a meat so delicious and succulent that it became a staple in the Rea household, not just at Christmas but for weekly roasts, fajitas, sliced in sarnies, and Rea's personal favourite: Dodo nuggets.
Ever the businessman, Rea now supplies Dodo meat to friends, family and other contacts in the Teesside area, and even across county lines.
PETA are going to be furious when they realise that Chris Rea is the first man in history to be personally responsible for the extinction of an entire species.
Last edited:
OP
OP
Drago
Legendary Member
- Location
- Suburban Poshshire
Chris Rea was in the TURDIS enjoying a panoramic view of the Pacific War when he heard on the radio that Bruce Springsteen had knocked Rea off the number one spot in the American Elevator Music Chart. Even worse the Springsteen song Chris Rea is a pussy and I'd kick his pussy ass any day of the week was considered by some to be a little bit insulting towards Rea himself.
This enraged Rea, causing him to lash out any any symbol of America, the nearest such object being the US pacific fleet. He turned the Auberge Field to max and rammed several warships, causing many casualties and some ships to even sink. The US sailors were puzzled by the strange craft and assumed it to be some kind of Japanese suicide plane. Rea's cries kf "Springsteen you baasssttttaaaaarrrrrrddddddd" were misheard in the hubbub as "Banzai!"
After a while the TURDIS navigation system was damaged and it went spinning out of control, and Rea did not manage to regain control until he applied a massive burst of Fool (if you think its over) radiation to the Auberge Field in order to stabilise the craft. Sadly the resulting explosion was bad news for the residents of Hiroshima over which he was flying at the time. A resonant echo in the Auberge Field caused another explosion over Nagasaki some days later.
This enraged Rea, causing him to lash out any any symbol of America, the nearest such object being the US pacific fleet. He turned the Auberge Field to max and rammed several warships, causing many casualties and some ships to even sink. The US sailors were puzzled by the strange craft and assumed it to be some kind of Japanese suicide plane. Rea's cries kf "Springsteen you baasssttttaaaaarrrrrrddddddd" were misheard in the hubbub as "Banzai!"
After a while the TURDIS navigation system was damaged and it went spinning out of control, and Rea did not manage to regain control until he applied a massive burst of Fool (if you think its over) radiation to the Auberge Field in order to stabilise the craft. Sadly the resulting explosion was bad news for the residents of Hiroshima over which he was flying at the time. A resonant echo in the Auberge Field caused another explosion over Nagasaki some days later.
