True Facts About Chris Rea

[lazybloke]

Chris Rea has a small private room in his house to which only he has the key. Few people are invited in. It houses the UK's biggest collection of John Noakes memorabilia featuring posters, Blue Peter books and badges, a lock of Shep's fur and the very underpants that John wore when he climbed Nelson's Column, with a certificate of authenticity signed by John himself.

True fact: the sound man screwed up, so John Noakes had to do some of the Nelsons Column shoot TWICE.
So possibly two pairs of underpants!

 

[DRM]

Chris Rea has just brought out a car modification kit that makes any car pop, bang, spark and explode just like the Turdis, this kit is far louder than any of the other feeble high performance car impersonators, so you too can experience what it’s like to arrive in different times and places, just like Chris himself, you can order your Rea-Bang kit from all good car accessory retailers

 

[DRM]

And in further business news, Chris Rea has announced the release of his hugely anticipated publication, The Turdis, Build your own Time Machine, week by week, each magazine has comprehensive plans and tales of visiting important historical times and places, and includes a part that will be used in the build of your very own Turdis, the final magazine comes with the order form to obtain your very own potable loo from the North East’s premier supplier, The ‘Boro Bog Co, independent netty specialists since 1979, which will be delivered direct to your door, issue 1 out now at £1.99, then £49.99 for 2500 weeks, don’t miss out subscribe now to see history for yourself!

 

[Drago]

As well as a student of history, Chris Rea is an avid classic car buff. During one visit to the British Leyland drawing office in the 1970s the Auberge Field of the departing time machine caused a conflagration that destroyed all the design drawings for the Allegeo.

All that remained were some sketches on the back of an Embassy packet that were sketched for a laugh to throw off their rivals. With a new model desperately needed and production due to start imminently the BL management had no choice but to put the woeful fag packet sketches into production.

 

[twentysix by twentyfive]

I blame Chris Rea if anything goes wrong. It is Always, but Always his fault.

 

[Dogtrousers]

Chris Rea teaches his own martial art, Auberge-ha to a select few disciples. Auberge-ha is said to be a deadly combination of kung-fu and rhythmic dance.

 

[Illaveago]

Chris Rea was asked if he could do a new version on MacArthur Park as sung by Richard Harris. Chris had to turn down the offer as the trauma of actually leaving his cake out in the rain still brings back painful memories. It took so long to make it and so long to bake it . And he will never have the recipe again. Just thinking about it makes him wail in tears! Sadly the recipe was the only copy which had been passed down through generations of the family and was eaten Chris's dog on that fateful day. Just the mention of yellow cotton dresses is enough to bring on a panic attack!

 

[Drago]

Chris Rea is, inadvertently, the inspiration for the film Highlander.

Whenever he visits a different time period the departing TURDIS produces a massive lightning strike and someone's head falls off as a result.

 

[DRM]

Chris Rea teaches his own martial art, Auberge-ha to a select few disciples. Auberge-ha is said to be a deadly combination of kung-fu and rhythmic dance.

I believe he also went to Bury in order to study Ecky Thump then back to West Yorkshire to become a black belt in Chin Pie, which he incorporated into Auberge-Ha, making it particularly deadly

 

[Drago]

Chris Rea used the TURDIS to go back in time with some heavy building equipment, whereupon he built Stonehenge. He did it for a laugh to confuse and confound scientists

The wheeze was so successful he went back even further and built the pyramids.

 

[lazybloke]

Chris Rea used the TURDIS to go back in time with some heavy building equipment, whereupon he built Stonehenge. He did it for a laugh to confuse and confound scientists

The wheeze was so successful he went back even further and built the pyramids.

There's intense speculation as to which part of Scotland he sourced the altar stone from.

In fact, asked that very question in his 2047 interview (which he recorded last week), he reveals the rather mundane answer "How the hell would I know? I just ordered some rockery stones from Wickes in Stockton-on-Tees."

 

[Drago]

Chris Rea's meddling of the timeline had become so bad Liam Neeson is now a racist.

 

[Illaveago]

Breaking News!
Scientists have just discovered signs of intelligent life on another planet. They said that they received a message which has taken them a long time to translate. It seems that they want a signed photo of Chris Rea!

 

[Dogtrousers]

Chris Rea's middle name is Mildred

 

[Drago]

Chris Rea prefers PG Tils to Yorkshire tea, as does any sane Englishman.