True Facts About Chris Rea

[DRM]

Chris Rea did join the French Foreign Legion in the mid 1970’s, he is a fluent French speaker now, and it’s believed he saw action in Zaire, and Peacekeeping operations in Lebanon with the U.N, where a fragile peace was kept as local insurgents were told in no uncertain terms that he would be out singing many of his various hits all day long until well after bedtime, in recent interview he confirmed that many men become Legionnaires in order to forget, when asked does that include you he said yes, and it works I’ll be b*ggered if I can remember what it was I went to forget

 

[lazybloke]

Chris Rea is interested in buying the newly available Mucky Mansion, and also wants to buy a pink Range Rover for the video of his forthcoming re-release of Driving Home for Christmas, which will be a duet with Timmy Mallet.

 

[Drago]

Chris Rea has been at it changing history again. He used his time machine to go back to Rorkes Drift in 1880, and instead of singing Men of Harlech at the Zulus history now records that they sang Fool (if You Think it's Over) at them.

 

[Toshiba Boy]

Chris Rea's favourite film is the Jungle Book (cartoon original of course).

It is said that his rendition of The Bare Necessities could be a Christmas Number One, if he could just persuade Mariah Carefree to duet on the track with him.

 

[DRM]

Travelling back to 1983, the Turdis appeared over several places/time zones due to the faulty flux capacitor, on September 1st it backfired close to Korean Airlines flight 007, blowing it off course into disputed Soviet Airspace causing them to shoot it down,the disruption in time & space then fired the Turdis to September 26th 1983, where a Soviet early warning system picked it up as a single intercontinental ballistic missile, luckily Lieutenant Colonel Petrov was on duty and dismissed it as a false alarm as the Yanks wouldn’t fire a single portable loo at the Soviet Union, the next backfire sent it to November 7th, 1983 where the faulty force field back fires, and bangs disrupted the communication network of NATO Forces on exercise in Germany, the Soviets & East Germans took this as a possible real nuclear build up, luckily Chris was able to land and make a very apologetic call to the head of Soviet Forces, Germany, thus managing to avoid a nuclear war, before popping, banging and exploding back to modern day Middlesbrough, where he still has nightmares about how he nearly brought about nuclear annihilation

 

[Ming the Merciless]

Chris Rea is the world’s first wasp keeper. This summer he’s been gathering them all up before opening his wasp circus.

 

[Drago]

The Berlin wall wasn't brought down by public pressure, as is widely thought.

No, Chris Rea had used the TURDIS to nip to Germany to see the Scorpions, but upon landing a backfire in the Auberge Field destroyed several hundred km of the Berlin Wall and frontier fortifications. Within minutes tens of thousands of East German Scorpions fans rushed across to West Germany and the end of no good pinko commie rule was a fate accompli.

 

[Ming the Merciless]

Chris had brought Pink Floyd along. Another Brick in the Wall was about that day in Berlin. Pink Floyd released the song on the 10th anniversary of the accident, in November 1979.

 

[Illaveago]

Many people think that Constable's picture "The Hay Wain " is an actual picture of Chris Rea driving home for Christmas. This was actually taken much earlier in the year as there are leaves on the trees.

 

[Illaveago]

Edvard Munch's picture "The Scream." Is of a fan receiving news that they have just managed to get tickets to a Chris Rea concert.

I think the artist has managed to capture the shear excitement on the fan's face really well .

 

[stephec]

Chris Rea is banned from his local John Lewis's because every time he went in there he used to rearrange the clothing dummies in to rude poses.

 

[Drago]

Chris Rea was banned from the Co Op for putting sausages in ladies sanitary item boxes and replacing them on the shelf.

The ban was soon lifted after pressure from female shoppers.

 

[lazybloke]

Every time Chris Rea uses his time machine, the temporal rift causes visible disturbances in the atmosphere, known as aurora.
In a rare example of a joke from the scientific community, aurora are more commonly known as Northern Lights; a reference to the phenomena being more commonly visible in Middlebrough than from the Royal Observatory.

An usually bright display last night suggests Chris embarked on a more ambitious journey than normal. Anticipation is rising, but I'm sure that folk will soon share rumours of what Chris Rea was up to, and when.

 

[Drago]

Patrick Moore was actually Chris Rea in an elaborate disguise. As the gravel voiced warbler was getting older he was finding it harder to keep up the ruse so faked Moore's death.

 

[Dogtrousers]

Chris Rea has a small private room in his house to which only he has the key. Few people are invited in. It houses the UK's biggest collection of John Noakes memorabilia featuring posters, Blue Peter books and badges, a lock of Shep's fur and the very underpants that John wore when he climbed Nelson's Column, with a certificate of authenticity signed by John himself.