True Facts About Chris Rea

[Paulus]

As a child in Middlesbrough, he was taught that Middlesbrough was the centre of the universe, and the Transporter bridge was the road to hell.

 

[Ming the Merciless]

Chris Rea’s portaloo Time Machine appeared on the beaches just as D day was starting. This caused the German’s to queue up for it, saving many lives.

 

[Drago]

Early sightings of Chris Rea's time machine were mistaken for a German wunderwaffen. The V1 was actually Rea materialising in the hope of seeing Gary Sparrow appear from the future himself.

 

[Gwylan]

He was born Christopher Willoughby Todhunter Brown. One of the Sussex branch.
Sadly any group he tried to join were put off by the name.
In a drunken dispute with the latest band group he was trying to join he lost it.
Got really rude when the other members and they responded to the effect that he was an arse
That inspired him to relaunch himself.
He moved to the north east, took up welding, changed his name to Chris Arse.
Shrewdly he realised the surname was a bit unsubtle. So he modified it to Rea. As a very subtle joke àgainst the group he was trying to join.
The rest is history

 

[Drago]

Chris Rea will use his time machine to obtain next weeks lottery numbers for customers, in exchange for a small percentage.

 

[Gwylan]

Chris Rea's time machine caused more mayhem when it materialised with a bang and flash of smoke on the balcony of the Iranian Embassy in London in 1980.

Nah! That was my cousin Kevin and his mates,

 

[Ming the Merciless]

Back to the Future is a documentary about Chris Rea’s early life. But film makers insisted the portaloo had to be replaced with a Delorean.

 

[Drago]

Christopher Lloyd is due to play Chris Rea in the forthcoming biopic of the great man's life.

 

[DRM]

Chris Rea travelled back to 1545 to see what life was like in the times of Henry VIII, however his Time Machine caused such a tidal wave in the Solent that the Mary Rose capsized before it could fire a shot at the French fleet who were set to attack the Isle of Wight, this led to the loss of around 700 Royal Navy personnel, and Henry who was watching proceedings was recorded as shouting, FFS, who is yon goatee bearded b*st#rd that hath wrecked my ship, bring me his head on a platter!
Fearing for his life Chris attempted to return to Middlesbrough but miscalculated and landed near Hartlepool in the time of Henry I, feeling guilt over the loss of 700 Sailors & their Captain Sir George Carew, he named the Hamlet he landed in Seaton Carew in honour of the unfortunate Royal Navy Captain

 

[rogerzilla]

Chris Rea calls his car the REA Speedwagon.

 

[Drago]

Chris Rea is notoriously tight with a buck and gets his time machine serviced at a back street garage.

 

[Gwylan]

Chris Rea will use his time machine to obtain next weeks lottery numbers for customers, in exchange for a small percentage.

Send your money to Gwylan at the Welsh Bank of Nigeria.
You won't get the numbers until about 15 minutes before the draw closes. Just say how much you want to win in the message on the bank draft

 

[PeteXXX]

Chris Rea once admitted that he has an incurable rash but he won't say where!

 

[Grant Fondo]

I bumped into Chris in Anglesey this morning.
No sorry, it was Taylor Swift. Oops, easy mistake.

 

[Drago]

Chris Rea was the first presenter in thr light programme to wear a suit without a tie. He was promptly sacked by the controller and noted style guru Lord Cedric Accrington.