True Facts About Chris Rea

[Drago]

The international date line used to be straight, it's current shape being due to Chris Rea's rampant use of the TURDIS over the Pacific ocean.

 

[DRM]

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c7914g14egjo
In another homing button disaster, the Turdis has brought chaos to Caernarfon on Sunday evening, after going back to see how dinosaurs existed on behalf of David Attenborough, the Turdis materialised over Caernarfon instead of the Teesport Time Travel Megabase, the resulting Auberge field backfire, as Chris Rea desperately tried to get the homing coordinates right, caused a building to collapse, emergency services had to close several streets, and evacuate residents, until the building could be made safe, Chris Rea claims to have never been anywhere near North Wales, not ever, honest.

 

[Drago]

Chris Rea's been drink driving in the TURDIS this Christmas. Last nights trip to the Greater Manchester area saw a very hard landing in the craft, sufficient force to damage underground drains and sewers which in turn brought about extensive flooding.

 

[grldtnr]

Unfortunately , being a time travelling pilot , Chris doesn't need a licence,for the Porta potty, driving licence ,pilots or PSV, coz it doesn't fit a criteria, at a push maybe a farm vehicle, used for muck spreading,
And even if he did ,he would just hop off to a timeline where it's not needed.
As for Travel Transit , an ordinary licence is all required, anyway he is as old as the hills, he got Grandfather rights to drive.
So it seems there's no way to legally stop him causing chaos.
Unless Dibble Drago knows better

 

[grldtnr]

Hmmm we might pass Accys' hi-jacked dress thread soon, we are just one page behind it , 158 pages unadulterated pure nonsense about a not so popular but famed gravel voiced blues music performer, and all round time travelling bandit, known as Chris Rea, maybe we can make it ,surpass the dress sense by the end of the 6th night, which is still Christmas imy bag........
Come on let's push past the dress sense Post.

 

[Seevio]

Chris Rea caused mass public outrage when wore his scandalous Plus Fives. It was not until they were toned down by one that they were accepted into public fashion.

 

[Drago]

Chris Rea reaches number 1 with his albums by repeatedly using the TURDIS tomgo back in time and buy the same record on the dame day, thus slowly but surely enhancing sales through sneaky means.

For a laugh he keeps Cliff Richard from Number 1 by going back and disguising sales by restocking the shelves.

 

[grldtnr]

Despite the Hootenanny celebrations being in such disarray, Chris was out and about ,wearing the family tartan, and yes he did cause widespread disruption flying to various timelines And destinations in the Porta potty, ( why is that still being allowed?).
But onlookers have been under pressure not to disclose what he wears under the Rear clan tartan, but it's enough to say ,it's unconventional styled finest Italian silk with more studs ,zippers and other fine metals fashioned in the Italian style, it's a weird bondage peccadillo of his .
He does also wear a sporran, but this is a dead badger rather than a useful coin pouch,most parking meters these days don't accept small change for payments ,as it's cashless only.

 

[Drago]

Those little tins of boiled sweet you see in petrol stations? Invented by Chris Rea to suck during thos long journeys through time.

They're sold in tins so the Auberge Radiation doesn't melt them.

 

[Dogtrousers]

Despite being one of the most successful and famous musicians of all time, despite being wealthy beyond avarice and owning several mansions, Chris Rea lives in a garden shed and wees in a bucket.

 

[grldtnr]

He does have a bucket, but prefers to wee in the privet hedge 'Privet' being the operative word, maintains it helps keep it fertilizer, be has a composting toilet for every thing else , contents of which eventually work the way into the garden.
Waste not want not, the bywords here !

 

[Bonefish Blues]

Those little tins of boiled sweet you see in petrol stations? Invented by Chris Rea to suck during those long journeys through time.

They're sold in tins so the Auberge Radiation doesn't melt them.

'Chris Rea Sucks' was the old advertising strapline, I recall, thought up by the man himself.

 

[Dogtrousers]

Chris Rea topped the annual new year poll for Britain's Sexiest Man for the 29th year running. It is now such an inevitable occurrence that it is not reported by the mainstream news media. In fact this year it was only reported in a handwritten notice pinned to the door of Chris Rea's shed.

 

[DRM]

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c3vr077965wo
It is well known that Chris Rea loves Blues Rock, but is rather unimpressed with modern rap music, in March last year the Turdis appeared over Addison Rd, Kensington, when the Turdis coughed & stuttered the door opened & Chris Rea's mobile phone fell out, and fell through the sunroof of a Rolls Royce Wraith, the driver, Stormzy, picked up the phone wondering where on earth that came from, only to be spotted by an off duty Police Officer, who complained about the heavily tinted glass, & the fact Stormzy appeared to be using a mobile phone too, the Auberge Field blast caused the tinted glass to darken to a level you could barely see through, this led to Stormzy recieving a 9 month driving ban, in a previous Auberge Field blast, the Turdis blackened the windows of a Lamborghini Urus Mr Stomzy was driving, to 4% light transmission, in Kingston Upon Thames on 17th October 2023, leading to a court appearence, the latest incident pushed Stormzy over the 12 point limit, leading to a ban, Chris Rea is on record as saying, Rap, more like Carp!!!

 

[Drago]

Urus means "anus" in Italian.

This name came about after Stormzy parked blocking the footpath outside Chris Rea's house, thus earning thw gravel voiced songsters ire.

Rea used the TURDIS to go back in time and change history so that it was he that founded Reaborghini sports cars, so was thus in a position to name their new SUV abomination the Anus. Even better, the model Stomzy bought later turned out to have the lay-by rimming equipment pack, essentially a drinks holder with an amusing name.