That's because, using the turdis, he always used to go back in time so that every time was the first time.
True Facts About Chris Rea
- Thread starter Drago
- Start date
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That's because, using the turdis, he always used to go back in time so that every time was the first time.
OP
OP
Drago
Legendary Member
- Location
- Suburban Poshshire
60s sci-fi horror Quatermass and the Pit was based upon the archaeological discovery of Chris Rea's TURDIS during the excavations for Baker Street tube station.
DRM
Guru
- Location
- West Yorks
December 16th 1773, whilst flying the Turdis over Boston harbour, the auberge field from it exploded and scattered the tea from the ships of the East India Company into the sea, providing the catalyst for the American revolution
lazybloke
Priest of the cult of Chris Rea
- Location
- Leafy Surrey
Chris Rea wanted to hear some modern music at Glasto, but after too many beers was observed running from portaloo to portaloo, yelling "I've lost it".
He sure has.
He sure has.
OP
OP
Drago
Legendary Member
- Location
- Suburban Poshshire
The Nazzies in WWII were expecting Chris Rea to cross the channel and invade at Calais.
However, Churchill had other ideas and insisted General Patton, the only man with the sufficiently gravelly voice to maintain the subterfuge, grow a beard, dress as Rea, and ponce around a bit in East Kent to give the Boche the impression that was indeed Rea's intended crossing point.
The Hun were taken aback when Rea and the Americas landed in the TURDIS at Normandy, and continued to keep significant forces at Calais believing this to be a feint.
Rea went on to win the war and, according to the Amercian history book from which this account was taken, the Americans killed Hitler with a Karate chop, they stole an enigma, and liberated a prototype atom bomb from Hitlers desk drawer, while the British and commonwealth forces didn't even bother to show up. The yanks then used the TURDIS to go back in time where Ben Affleck was able to singlehandedly fight off the naval forces of Admiral Yamamoto with only a sopwith camel, an air rifle and some very strong toupee adhesive.
However, Churchill had other ideas and insisted General Patton, the only man with the sufficiently gravelly voice to maintain the subterfuge, grow a beard, dress as Rea, and ponce around a bit in East Kent to give the Boche the impression that was indeed Rea's intended crossing point.
The Hun were taken aback when Rea and the Americas landed in the TURDIS at Normandy, and continued to keep significant forces at Calais believing this to be a feint.
Rea went on to win the war and, according to the Amercian history book from which this account was taken, the Americans killed Hitler with a Karate chop, they stole an enigma, and liberated a prototype atom bomb from Hitlers desk drawer, while the British and commonwealth forces didn't even bother to show up. The yanks then used the TURDIS to go back in time where Ben Affleck was able to singlehandedly fight off the naval forces of Admiral Yamamoto with only a sopwith camel, an air rifle and some very strong toupee adhesive.
DRM
Guru
- Location
- West Yorks
Not only did they invade in Normandy to fool Adolf, and wreck his mental and physical well being even more, Chris is partial to a cool refreshing Cider or 3, of which there is quite a bit in that region of France
OP
OP
Drago
Legendary Member
- Location
- Suburban Poshshire
Adolf Hitler once said, "I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't eat meat, and that's why I'm 100% fit."
When Chris Rea heard this he replied, "I drink, I smoke, I eat red meat, and I keep nipping back in time and give money to my younger self in exchange for them going to the gym every day, and that's why I'm 200% fit."
When Chris Rea heard this he replied, "I drink, I smoke, I eat red meat, and I keep nipping back in time and give money to my younger self in exchange for them going to the gym every day, and that's why I'm 200% fit."
DRM
Guru
- Location
- West Yorks
The Metropolitan Police have released a statement saying that 95% of bank robberies have involved the use of a Ford Transit van, I suppose time travel can be an expensive activity
OP
OP
Drago
Legendary Member
- Location
- Suburban Poshshire
The famous revolving sign outside New Scotland Yard is powered by on old Auberge Field generator donated by Chris Rea.
While it no longer has the energy to power a time machine it is capable of powering less demanding items for decades. Rea, being a big fan of Dixon of Dock Green, was only too happy to donate the old generator.
Rea is now an honoured guest at NSY and is regularly invited in to beat up a prisoner of his choosing.
While it no longer has the energy to power a time machine it is capable of powering less demanding items for decades. Rea, being a big fan of Dixon of Dock Green, was only too happy to donate the old generator.
Rea is now an honoured guest at NSY and is regularly invited in to beat up a prisoner of his choosing.
Bonefish Blues
Banging donk
- Location
- 52 Festive Road
Too true - it's yet a further example of that polisbrootalité (as the French term it)
Little known is that Chris is the originator of many martial arts, which he can and does use to deadly effect given the slightest provocation. As a group they were named the Rea Martial Arts, until a typo in a magazine termed them 'Real Martial Arts' and the name stuck.
Chris, whilst peeved at first, is reported to be at peace with this as he eventually got tired of decking drunken 'have a go Geordies' with his signature 'Parmo Slam' which renders a man incapacitated for hours, evidence of which can be seen on Sunday mornings all over Tyneside.
grldtnr
Über Member
Chris is an intervertebral tinkerer, what with designing and building his time travelling machines, he did build & design all the crazy contraptions on the 'Last of the Summer wine', mainly coz he dislikes the 'scuffy 'erbert' Compo,who usually came off the worse.
Who can forget the hang glider built like a pigeon!
Chris was particularly inspired by his own love of racing pigeons.
He is distantly related to Wesley Pegden, and like Wesley Chris is never happier unless in greasy overalls and a flat cap ,in his tin shed, after a gig, ..... helps him wind down.
Who can forget the hang glider built like a pigeon!
Chris was particularly inspired by his own love of racing pigeons.
He is distantly related to Wesley Pegden, and like Wesley Chris is never happier unless in greasy overalls and a flat cap ,in his tin shed, after a gig, ..... helps him wind down.
Bonefish Blues
Banging donk
- Location
- 52 Festive Road
Who knew Chris was a spinal surgeon too, amongst his many talents?
DRM
Guru
- Location
- West Yorks
Chris Rea went back to London 1966, he made 2 visits in the Time Transit, first time was to sneak into Wembley Stadium in order to watch England win the World Cup, the second time, earlier in the year he wanted to visit the exhibition at Westminster Central Hall, to get a good look at the Jules Verne Trophy in the flesh, however he got the timings wrong and turned up on the Sunday, only to be startled by a man with a bag marked swag, who jumped into the Time Transit and told Chris to floor it, which he did however the highly tuned Corsair V4 engine and drive train frightened the man who dropped the bag, and jumped out of the Time Transit to be sick, Chris shot off, hit the time controls and went back to his Teesport megabase, he was startled to find the actual Jules Verne World Cup Trophy, in the bag, so he borrowed his neighbours dog, pickles, and went back to Beulah Hill, pretending to be a dog walker called David Corbett, who found the trophy in a ditch, the police thought initially that he was the thief, but courtesy of the Turdis , he provided an alibi, in the form of a black & white photo of him on stage with Roy Orbison at the London Palladium, on Sunday March 20th jamming along to Oh Pretty Woman at the sound check, that was at the exact time the robbery occurred, so he couldn’t be the thief, this made Chris breathe a sigh of relief, and he was even better when he managed to see England win it.
