Things you'd like to say, but can't

[XmisterIS]

Please, if you sit beside me at the next meeting, would you not drool all over the chocolate biscuits, eat the biscuits with your mouth open going "crunch crunch crunch" like a dog, end up with chocolate all over your face and fingers like a small child, or breathe louder than Darth Vader.

 

[Gromit]

THE EFFIN' BINS DON'T EMPTY THEMSELVES YOU LAZY BUNCH OF ARSES!!!

Thank you for reminding us to put the recycling out.

 

[Intelligenthamster]

Stop asking me stupid questions on the 'phone you *****, I should have finished work half an hour ago, I won't get overtime pay or the time back, and your questions are SO SO STUPID!

 

[Maverick Goose]

Get some F###ng deodourant!

 

[ACW]

so much to say and so little time to say it

 

[redjedi]

If I've clearly copied other people in on an email, can you please use the "Replay All" button when you send me your lame excuses!

 

[Speicher]

Do you fully understand the concept of an e-mail?

If you send it to the correct address, it arrives almost immediately at the recipients in-box. I know you can remember telegrams, but credit me with the intelligence to know that they are not written out, and delivered by hand several hours later.

Now that you have discovered this phenomenally new-fangled idea, would you ***** ***** *********** stop phoning me three ********* hours later, to tell me at great length, and with tedious ********* unnecessary details exactly what you **********wrote in the email. *************



and breathe

 

[Cubist]

....and I may be your boss, but that's two steps further up than needs to know how many nitrile gloves you f*cking ordered. If you copy me into any more of your tedious emails I'll come down to your department and determine whether your sphincter will accommodate the server.

 

[Cubist]

Now I know I've got to be all politically correct and all that, but could you do us all a favour? You appear to have put on several stone recently, and it's time you ordered a bigger pair of trousers. I can't ever remember seeing a cameltoe in a pair of uniform trousers before, and your love-handles are now sticking out of your pockets. They just can't be comfy like that, and the new Detention Officer doesn't know where to look. Do you want me to sign the order form?

 

[Adasta]

You appear to have put on several stone recently

Pregnancy? Christmas weight? Cakes?

 

[TVC]

You really are white trash aren't you.

 

[ComedyPilot]

A special message for the US 5th Fleet in Bahrain:

تأخذ السفن الخاص بك وغير المرغوب فيها منافذ الوجبات السريعة، والخروج من بلادنا

 

[redjedi]

If you're going to call me, you don't need to email me telling me you're going to call me, while the phone is ringing

 

[threebikesmcginty]

The answer to everything is not a friggin' Excel spreadsheet you feckless cretin.

 

[GrumpyGregry]

I have two current bugbears I'd like to share.....

Asking me if you can ask me a quick question is, of itself, asking me a quick question. You get paid to answer the quick questions so I don't have to.

-and-

Yes, in another time, another place and in another country I would cheerfully bang your brains out. Repeatedly, vigourously, and at some length. But I'm a happily married man, and it ain't gonna happen, so get your metaphorical tongue out of my ear, do the blouse button up, stop flirting with me, cut the crap and let's get on with our work. OK?

....and relax!