Things you'd like to say, but can't

[Ratchet Cat]

Drop the attitude. If someone says good morning to you, smile and say it back you miserable git!!! The bloke sitting next to you did. Now I will say hello to you every day just to bug you until you answer me!!!
You really are a rude twonk. I could do your job. I have people skills too!!!

 

[Silver Fox]

I really must stop drinking Henry Weston cider.

 

[TVC]

I really must stop drinking Henry Weston cider.

Why, are the passengers on your bus complaining?

 

[postman]

Seeing as you nearly live on here,hour after hour.Do something about this crappy computer.Since you changed something it is so slow,it won't even scroll correctly now.No it's not me,it works fine for you attitude.It's gone sheeee ite.

 

[classic33]

The Flying Moneypit??

Oh no no no no no, I would never lower myself to that level!

Many a Scot'll be turning with that!

 

[Nigel-YZ1]

So does TNT condone it's artic drivers hammering through pouring rain at 60mph in 50mph roadworks tailgating people in the middle lane until they move then swerving across lanes nearly sideswiping cars, missed by inches with their trailers?

And to the second self-gratification artist of the night - not that there were only two: Very impressive overtaking. Shame you didn't notice the guy walking the dog in the road that I was about to move out and pass. I braked and avoided him without hitting you, and he jumped on the grass verge. But it's ok your little winkie will feel all nice that you passed me in your Audi.
Going through the 30mph at Oxspring at 60mph was equally impressive. peanut.

 

[Saluki]

Flagship Housing. You could not organise a piss up in a brewery and the only reason that your housing officer can find the ground is because gravity helps him out. He is an peanut of the highest order. We've jumped through all your hoops, we've replaced the paperwork that you lost - and how you lost it digitally from 2 sent boxes and an inbox, plus losing the original documents that we filled in, is a bit of a worry quite frankly - we've bent over backwards to give you all the information that you need and now you want a medical report because there is a level entry shower in the property that we wanted to move to? Seriously. We didn't get all this old rubbish when we moved in to a Norwich City Council flat with a shower room that's exactly the same as your one. What is so freaking special about you lot.

Also, while I'm miffing about you. Why can you not get emails and phone messages when you are not in the office? Is there no mobile coverage in Suffolk? Is there electricity? I'm worrying now. Will I be moving into the Dark Ages or is it just that Flagship Housing couldn't find it's own arse with both hands and a map (no point mentioning a gps if there is no mobile coverage).

And breathe.

 

[Lullabelle]

Do you tut this much when you are at home

 

[Lullabelle]

Dad's birthday is on August 29, just as it always has been, I know it is very difficult for you to remember you are only 47 years old after all.

 

[F70100]

Mind you, 29 August is our wedding anniversary (28 years this time round) and I still forget it

Hey Rocky, it's mine & Mrs F70100's 28th wedding anniversary on the 29 August as well. Congratulations to you both.

 

[F70100]

York, ( I should really be in't Yorkshire thread) but we're nearer to Cambridge now.

 

[ColinJ]

Dear very confused and hesitant car driver - let me explain the problem to you ...

You are driving up a very steep singletrack lane which has another road crossing it just ahead of you.

That white van ahead beyond the crossroads is now reversing back down the hill towards you. The reason that the driver is doing this is because a big skip lorry has appeared over the brow of the hill and is coming down towards us all.

I have pulled in close to the dry stone wall and stopped to allow the van to come back down and the skip wagon is following the van down the hill. You have stopped, half-blocking the road ahead to your left. The van driver has therefore reversed back into the lane on the right. Another van has come up behind him. They are not going anywhere.

Sorry, It is no use you trying to reverse down Steep Lane because a FWD had now come up behind you and its driver is not going to reverse all the way back down. Oh, you spotted that just in time to avoid reversing into it ...

The skip wagon driver wants to go down the hill but you and the 4WD are in the way. He is pointing to the road on your left. He is not trying to point out a fine example of Yorkshire dry stone walling (nice though it is) - he wants you to pull over into that road. Turn into the road on your left. Yes. we know you want to drive up the hill, but before you can do that you need to turn left. TURN LEFT!

[Time passes. Slowly ...]

TURN LEFT, PLEASE!

[More time passes. Even more slowly ...]

The skip wagon driver is looking at you. The 2 van drivers are looking at you. The 4WD driver behind you is making hand gestures and looking at you. I am looking at you and gently suggesting that you please turn left and release the gridlock that you are creating.

[Eventually ...]

The penny finally drops! You turn left but stop dead, leaving the FWD driver stuck where you were a moment ago.

Pull forwards to allow the FWD to turn off too.

PULL FORWARDS!

IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLY ... PULL FORWARDS, ALLOW THE FWD TO GET OUT OF THE WAY OF THE SKIP WAGON, AND MAYBE WE WILL GET HOME BEFORE THAT BIG BLACK CLOUD IN THE SKY DUMPS MILLIONS OF LITRES OF COLD WATER ON US!!!!

[I give serious consideration to dismounting and walking down the hill to explain all of this to the befuddled driver but then a miracle happens. The car edges forwards, the FWD driver wastes no time in driving into the gap created, the skip driver mouths a sarcastic THANK YOU! and we all go about our business]




Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!!!!

(What worries me is that people like that are driving about. If solving such a simple problem is beyond them, just how well do they cope with the more serious problems that develop out on the road!)

 

[Ratchet Cat]

You really aren't funny. Don't mess with me, you'll live to regret it.
Don't think you can get the better of me.
I don't get mad, I get even.
I'll find you and poo in your slippers.
I know where you live and you'd better watch out.
Revenge is a dish best served cold.

 

[ScotiaLass]

You are disillusioned!
Apparently you have the best dad ever...hmmm...this is the same man that beat your mother, had an affair, was only in your life until you were 4 years old, and is generally a lying b*st*rd.
I wonder why you think this? Oh yes, out of his 8 children, only 2 speak to him...you being one.
Of course you 'love' him. He lets you use his holiday home, and you're getting the house in his will.

Keep listening to his lies, you already believe them. One day you'll realise that having material things is no substitution for the love of a good person.
Maybe.

 

[Mad Doug Biker]

Why is it that everyone on the telly makes utterly pointless arm and hand gestures all the time??

Stop it, you look like a broken windmill!!