The horror of office speak

[Andy]

In a company I previously worked in "office speak" seemed to be invented at random and it was funny "watching" it go round the entire company like a bleedin' cold virus. Within a few days nearly everyone would be using some load of nonsense to make themselves sound smart. The one that really got me was when we were trying to come to a compromise on what the next percentage price rise was going to be. When I asked where we were with the process a commercial type person piped up:

"We have progressed this to a point where the focus group are singing off the same hymn sheet with respect to the ballpark figure that we are looking at, but as yet we have not christened the number"

Jeeesus wept!! What he meant was "we've all got a rough idea but have not finalised it yet" Give me strength!!

 

[Kirstie]

My favourite is 'going for the low hanging fruit'. It just makes me think of testicles. And therefore it makes me smirk irreverently when I shouldn't be smirking.

OU favourites are 'quick wins' and 'going forwards' but I work for an organization which speaks entirely in acronyms so it's impenetrable 'language' most of the time.

This game is particularly good for meetings:
http://www.bullshitbingo.net/cards/buzzword/

 

[Kirstie]

Yes, but RAISE ??? - yes love - i can raise my bloody hand !

A bit like worm charming? Maybe there's a special dance involved...

 

[Cycling Naturalist]

At a recent meeting regarding a dispute between two groups of lawyers, one of the lawyers wanted to "hot-tub the legal issues"

The slightest thought of the lawyers and their lawyers with the other lawyers and their lawyers in a hot tub is sickening to say the least

Particularly as someone is bound to get screwed.

 

[ChrisKH]

Yes, but RAISE ??? - yes love - i can raise my bloody hand !

Maybe she was bored at the time.

No disrespect to you yenrod, but raising an invocie is the correct terminology.

 

[Rhythm Thief]

When working on a plan for some modifications to one of our Loco cabs, one of our managers kept on about how to "progress" the situation. The situation was where a switch was going to be situated.

Thankfully, I don't work in an office, but the one I read a lot which annoys me is "ongoing situation". It's a situation, by definition it's static and can't be ongoing. You tool.

 

[Andy]

Another one which I suppose many people use without thinking, (me too probably) is "forward planning". Well you can't actually plan for what has happened and gone can you? Or am I missing something?

 

[Andy in Sig]

I used to have a boss who would say things like "I want you to engage with X" meaning "Go and talk to him".

The other one was, "We'll deal with that offline" meaning, "We'll talk about it after the meeting".

IMO the amount of jargon used is inversely proportional to the amount of content of what you're saying.

 

[Dayvo]

I was on a training course and I got a free pen (woohoo!!) which had written on it "Putting the ink in think"...which when my husband saw it, he said it was more like "Putting the ocks in...[I can't remember ]"

'Boll' perhaps!

 

[Fnaar]

If you lot stopped operating in silos

Silos have just made their first appearance in my workplace, and I'm not talking farming!

 

[swee'pea99]

Thumberland must be well behind the curve

 

[Christopher]

Here, we have 'Added Value' and 'Making Space for Water' and 'More for Less'. It would not be so bad if we built ponds or were a supermarket, we're a goverment quango!

 

[Saddle bum]

"I'm going to cicle my wagons around that point."

"You have to compromise, don't die in a ditch over it."

 

[Intelligenthamster]

I work in an engineering works, so malfunctions or things not going well are still referred to by upper management in good Anglo-Saxon style, e.g. "We are in deep s***!"

At least everyone knows what they mean....

For great satire on office life, IT and ISO 9000 etc check out Scott Adams' Dilbert cartoons.

 

[Twenty Inch]

"Run towards me on this one guys, run towards me"

I weigh 14 stone - if I run towards you I'll knock you to the end of the friggin' cubicle.