Management Speak

[Profpointy]

Have a Bio-break....This one had me in stitches. I had to put the phone on mute, so as not to offend the Yank that said it.

A pal of mine was in a reasonably professional/senior role, and if a meeting was rambling on or not getting anyonwhere would get up and leave announcing "well that's enough on this, I'm off to have a fiddle*" Somehow he got away with it, possiby because most people didn't quite believe they'd heard right. It did get an important point across of keeping meetings well run.

*word substitued by the profan-o-tron

 

[Viking]

Back in the 1980s, a major US computer manufacturer would not announce that they had stopped shipping some product line; the code words to look out for were - the blah de blah / whatever line had been "de-emphasized".

 

[Deleted member 1258]

Reading this has made me glad of two things, firstly I was never management and secondly I'm now retired.

 

[Drago]

Of course, mindless corporate gobbledygook can go too far. In order to look super professional, Wang Corporation ordered their staff to answer the phone "good morning, Wang New York", or "Wang London", without realising that "Wang Cologne" might sound like something else.

It's like the Hyundai Atoz. It was called the Atos elsewhere, but a hurried phone call from the UK importer implored them to change it they still didn't get it, so in the end he sent them a fax with a graphic depiction of what Atos meant inb English. Half an hour later it was renamed Atoz.

Talk plain English, encourage your staff to speak plain English, and you reduce the risk of looking like Atozer.

 

[Pat "5mph"]

I'm not gonna google "urban meaning of atos"

 

[ColinJ]

Of course, mindless corporate gobbledygook can go too far. In order to look super professional, Wang Corporation ordered their staff to answer the phone "good morning, Wang New York", or "Wang London", without realising that "Wang Cologne" might sound like something else.

It's like the Hyundai Atoz. It was called the Atos elsewhere, but a hurried phone call from the UK importer implored them to change it they still didn't get it, so in the end he sent them a fax with a graphic depiction of what Atos meant inb English. Half an hour later it was renamed Atoz.

Talk plain English, encourage your staff to speak plain English, and you reduce the risk of looking like Atozer.

I have an electronics background. I also have a childish sense of humour. So I was reduced to tears of laughter when someone called out "Has anybody seen the big Wayne Kerr?" ... (Large item of electronics test equipment.)

 

[vickster]

For some reason, I have a real aversion to addressing emails to the 'team'... dear Team, good afternoon Team, Hello Team, hi Team and worst of all
Team, ....... blah blah.... thanks Team...team, let me know if you have any questions etc etc etc

 

[Rezillo]

Not so much a management-speak thing but why is any organised event now curated? And as for shops of antiques and other junk being curated, no, their contents are not being curated because you can just buy them. Bah.

 

[gavroche]

I have always refused to call a vicar " father" and a nun " sister" as I am not related to them.

 

[mustang1]

Moving forward. (similar to going forward that someone mtnioned above).

Are you winning?

When I was at my last company, that's how managers spoke. I learned it to and got far. Then I joined another company and talked like that in my first meeting. The manager there asked me wtf are you talking about so I went back to talking normally, relieved.

After that we had various managers who someone's talk bollocks and sometimes talk properly. My current managers talk properly and are actually a cool bunch.

 

[Piemaster]

When I managed staff I always worked on the basis of never asking staff to do anything I couldn't or wouldn't do myself (except working on the top of a tall ladder when I would always offer the option of other means of safe access).

I have a tendency to ignore management speak unless it makes sense in plain, grammatically correct English. Unfortunately it isn't helping my empolyment position.

I've always had the same attitude to junior staff, and having been down the same road have done their crappy jobs along the way. With some things though they may have had training/experience in different areas to me - I may have some sort of idea and can tell if they are taking the piss but maybe not enough to actually fix it. This mostly involves electricity.

 

[Flick of the Elbow]

^ Yes, on-boarding is normal speak at my place. But we wouldn't say staff, we would say resources or FTE's

 

[Oldbloke]

In the 90s a senior manager I had the misfortune to work with wanted to discuss the "skillset" of my assistant. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

 

[mustang1]

Years ago I came across a poster:

6 munce ugo I cudant even spelt manajor now I are 1.

 

[MarquisMatsugae]

"Its only Half Time,everything to play for " is a favourite of my manager.
The biggest laugh is,all the other managers nod in agreement