Management Speak

[Hilldodger]

I've just been told someone is "Time Poor" Twat.

And another one that makes me want to punch the person saying it "Our performance is sub optimal"

 

[MacB]

My personal dislikes, re management speak, change as the speak itself changes. Far more annoying are the terms that I adopt even when I don't like them. It's like osmosis, it just seeps into you, I also have a tendency to Americanisms. But none of them bother me that much when the meaning is clear which is why I posted the jokey paragraph. Though it's mocking it is, scarily, not that far from many of the internal communications I've received over the years. We even have meetings to, ostensibly, discuss the latest communication from on high. Deciphering the meaning takes up a fair proportion of the time, yet nothing changes.

The ambiguity is deliberate, at least from the top level, and is part of the deniability process. Further down the chain you do get stupid people mimicking in nonsensical ways.

 

[Norm]

Hee hee ^^ He said osmosis ^^

 

[Hover Fly]

The last time I visited my old town, someone asked me if they could "...access the Laurel and Hardy museum from here..." If he had said "reach" or "get to" I would not have felt compelled to drag him from his car and beat him to a pulp on the pavement.

 

[slowmotion]

I had to go to a "wash-up" some time ago. Any other sufferers? The guy who invited me must have spent his entire sad life buying departure lounge management-speak books with charismatic white-suited gurus on the cover. Oh Dear, Oh Dear.....

 

[661-Pete]

We had an 'all hands meeting' at work today in which we got a 'business update' which must have been loaded chock-a-block with corporate jargon. I'm afraid I can't report on any of the phrases used since I dozed off half way through. I did however perk up when my favourite message popped up on the screen: end of slide show, press esc to exit...

 

[Black Sheep]

This one is well used in online games. IMO, it is a useful way of telling a random group of people, some of whom may be pre-teen, that you need to take a 60 second break.

whats wrong with "off to the bog"
"loo break"
"need the loo"
"need the toilet"
"off to the bathroom"
"driving the porcelain dump truck"
etc

When I managed staff I always worked on the basis of never asking staff to do anything I couldn't or wouldn't do myself (except working on the top of a tall ladder when I would always offer the option of other means of safe access).

I'm not management, but am happy to ask certain people to do certain jobs I can't do, for example, if someone asks me to design and build a website, I design it, then hand it over to a web developer that I trust to build it as I can't code beyond a very basic level.

 

[661-Pete]

whats wrong with "off to the bog"
"loo break"
"need the loo"
"need the toilet"
"off to the bathroom"
"driving the porcelain dump truck"
etc

I thought the set phrases (for blokes only) were "see a man about a dog", "point percy", "tune my pipes", ... etc. Probably no activity (bar one) boasts so many euphemisms. Incidentally, "pray at the porcelain altar" implies use of the same facility - but in a different manner ...

 

[XmisterIS]

One I heard this morning on the telly box from an "executive" being interviewed by a newscaster said, "We want to implement dynamic solutions going forward".

What kind of "solutions" do you mean? And how will it be "dynamic"? And how can a "solution" (which is an abstract noun), physically move forwards?

That phrase doesn't actually mean a god damn thing ... I swear these people get sucked into their own bullsh*t - they use these phrases so they don't have to think - rather like teenagers say, "um", "y'know", "like" and "whatever" a lot ...

 

[Norm]

whats wrong with "off to the bog"
"loo break"
"need the loo"
"need the toilet"
"off to the bathroom"
"driving the porcelain dump truck"
etc

As mentioned, some of the recipients could be 10-12 years old and I wouldn't be comfortable saying some of those to my own kids so I see no reason to "dump" them on other peoples'.

The other side is the perception that these things need to be said as fast as possible - hence the frequent use of "l33t speak" or text speak. The response would be "You haven't got time to type "off to the bathroom", we need to kill Anvilmar".

Why wouldn't you use "bio break"? It's quick and easy, everyone in that forum knows what it means, it's not crude and I would use it with my kids.

 

[yumpy]

Read and weep:

"The Event-Triggered Marketing Solutions presentation will determine which one best solves a campaign management scenario while addressing the requirements of a fully detailed, event-triggered data flow."

This was an announcement from an internet company that I had some shares in (social monitoring software).
As increasingly I've been struggling to find out what they really do, I sold.

 

[Lisa21]

whats wrong with "off to the bog"
"loo break"
"need the loo"
"need the toilet"
"off to the bathroom"
"driving the porcelain dump truck"
etc

I would reply but im dyin for a wee............................

 

[marzjennings]

Unfortunately all my projects are ‘low hanging fruit’ initiated to get some ‘quick wins’ for the business and that will deliver ‘point forward’ solutions.


I was asked to 'materialize my holistic approach' yesterday and it took me a while to realize they were asking 'how much will it cost?'

 

[Flick of the Elbow]

Heard a new one yesterday, we've had offshoring, we've had nearshoring, the latest management buzz word is "noshoring". I despair.

 

[Drago]

whats wrong with "off to the bog"
"loo break"
"need the loo"
"need the toilet"
"off to the bathroom"
"driving the porcelain dump truck"
etc




I'm not management, but am happy to ask certain people to do certain jobs I can't do, for example, if someone asks me to design and build a website, I design it, then hand it over to a web developer that I trust to build it as I can't code beyond a very basic level.

As a young copper I once got told off for announcing that I was just "going to drop the kids off at the pool."

Having been banned from saying that I switched to "drop a dirty bomb", "lay some cable", "pet the turtles head", and "go for a forest Gump.". Funnily enough our Inspector went off sick with stress soon after. What's the point of hiring young ex squaddies and then complaining when they behave like young ex squaddies?