Give me some dialogue from your day

[Andrew_Culture]

8am
Boss - "_____ won't be in today; he had a 'set to' on Friday and it's weighing heavily on him"
Me - "oh."

Now _____ is one of the most reliable people I have ever worked with, he's never off sick and is generally an all round good egg and hard worker. I didn't ask what the set to was, it seemed too personal, and if this bloke was still upset by whatever happened then it must have been quite severe. Eventually I decided that as I'm management, and because I seem to be the chap people feel happy disclosing to I should probably know what occurred, in the interests of the pastoral care of staff as much as anything else.


10.30am
Me - "Do I know need to know what _____'s set to was?"
Boss - "His what?"
Me - "You said that _____ had a set to on Friday, I was wondering if I needed to know what happened, just 'in case'.
Boss - "No, I said _____ had a vasectomy..."

 

[BigonaBianchi]

Time to smuggle the recycling rubbish out with the normal rubbish, disguise it in a black sack and hope for the best...

oh man is this what life is all about?

 

[gbb]

After becoming increasingly itchy through the day, so much so i could scrape the skin off, i drove home going nuts, my neck, back, legs, scalp...everywhere, insanely itchy

Got home, explained to the wife, went straight for a bath...as i took my clothes off, the wife said...
'Jesus , look at your back , your bum , your neck, its swollen and red , youve got a reaction to something !!!!

I look like someones thrown a kettle of water over me.

Drove straight to the drop in centre...after a brief examination and several questions, the doctor said...
'You sir, have acute urtacaria..or hives if you prefer'

 

[Psycolist]

This is an alleged conversation between my older brother, Pete, and an Australian jobsworth immigration official that took place in the late 60's (pete was a hippy)
Ozzy officer :- Bring your bags over to the table please sir
Pete :- Yep sure
Ozzy officer :- Did you pack these bags yourself sir
Pete :- Yep, sure I did
Ozzy officer :- Would you open up the case please
Pete :- Yep sure
and the Ozzy starts rummaging a rifleing through the cases contents then slides it to one side
Ozzy officer :- and your hand luggage
Pete:- Yep sure
By this time Pete is begining to feel a little put upon
After turning out Petes hand luggage and leaving the contents strewn across the tabletop
Ozzy officer :- Are you carrying anything you shouldnt be
Pete:- Such as ?
Ozzy officer:- Weapons , drugs ?
Pete:- No, not me, dont touch drugs, never seen a gun let alone carry one
Ozzy officer:- Well i'm sure you understand my concern, from the way you look, you do make yourself stand out in a crowd with y'long hair and weird clothes
Pete :- Well then do you think that if I had something to hide that I would try to blend into the crowd a bit more, look more normal if you like
Petes starting to get a bit brassed off by now
Ozzy Officer :- I'll need to see your passport again
Pete passes it over
Ozzy officer looks at the document, then at Pete, then back to the document, then back too Pete
Ozzy officer:- Do you have any criminal convictions
and without missing a beat
Pete:- I'm sorry, I didnt know I still needed one to come to Australia

Its a good tale, wether true or not I'm not convinced but I thought I would share it with you all tonight

 

[Sandra6]

Customer on phone is enquiring about bulb fitting.
Him -So I can just pop in? And I just need to bring the bulb with me?
Me-Yes, just bring the bulb. And the car.

 

[Crackle]

Two today

1. Me throwing ball for dog who is catching it mid-flight

Old lady: "He should play for the England cricket team"
Me: "Ah well, he sometimes fluffs the easy ones"
Old lady: "That's no good then"

And off she goes. We've had this conversation five times. It never varies. Even the dog knows his part in it now.

2. Sitting at computer

me: "Liverpool are introducing a bike hire scheme"
anon*: "So they can cycle to training?"
....................
Me: "No. Liverpool the City, not Liverpool the football club................why would.......................how would...............................never mind"

*Name changed to protect the author

 

[Andrew_Culture]

'You sir, have acute urtacaria..or hives if you prefer'

I preferred their early work...

 

[Andrew_Culture]

Me - "But arguing 'point' is a shallow mission..."

Colleague - glassy stare that tells me I'm talking gibberish.

 

[Archie_tect]

Me - "But arguing 'point' is a shallow mission..."
Colleague - glassy stare that tells me I'm talking gibberish.

Er....

 

[GrasB]

After watching a dog owner completely ignore the fact it's just fouled on the rather nice lawn in front of our building

Me: Excuse me, please could you clear up after your dog.
Them: P*** off, you can't tell me what to do in a public place.
Me: However you're on private property. And we'd greatly appreciate if our eating area didn't have dog shoot on it
Them: I told you to p*** off. I'll thup ya!
*walks off to call security*
...5 min latter...
2 large security guards & a police officer wander up to the man & he leaves AFTER cleaning up after the dog.

 

[threebikesmcginty]

Couple on train

Is there a toilet down there?

Yes

Is it a proper one?

No, it's a TARDIS.

A TURDIS?

 

[laurence]

at the docs this morning... he did a lot of the talking...
*stares at my knee* - yes, it is swollen... *prod, prod*... should be ok, i'll book you in for next week and one of the doctors can just stick a needle in and drain it.

me: oh.... nice. *feeling slightly more ill*

 

[subaqua]

A TURDIS?

thats what temporary toilets get called on site

 

[Arch]

Not me, my colleague, but I was listening:

Colleague to woman just coming back to her house as we empty her recycling box:

Excuse me, I think I mentioned this before, could you try and keep the paper and cardboard separate? It's a pain to sort out, especially in windy weather*.

Woman: Well, it's very difficult, these are such small houses**.

Colleague: I'm only asking you to put paper one side and cardboard the other.

Woman: Well, we've only got one box and no dividers.

Colleague: Yes, but all you have to do is put paper one side and cardboard the other, instead of all mixed up...

Woman: <Inaudible to me, but something along the lines of it's too much trouble>

Woman shuts door.

Me: I don't think you won that one, mate!

*Try wearing thick work gloves (broken glass proof ones), and then sorting out a mass of paper and card, interleaved and mixed up, and including torn up little bits of receipts and so on, to place them in large bags on the vehicle, in a gale. All we'd like is to be able to pick up the card in one handful, and the paper in another. It can make the difference between seconds to empty a box, and up to five minutes.

**Bollocks. They are nice little town terraces with hallways. Most of her neighbours (many of them elderly, and some disabled) manage to do it fine. I manage to do it, and I live in a one room bedsit. Our very best street is all flats and old folk, and their boxes are immaculate.

Basically, she can't be bothered, and doesn't think anyone should ask her to do anything. Or she's too thick. I wonder which she'd prefer we thought of her?

 

[Spinney]

Basically, she can't be bothered, and doesn't think anyone should ask her to do anything. Or she's too thick. I wonder which she'd prefer we thought of her?

Both...