Give me some dialogue from your day

[jhawk]

My grandmother has moments of utter hilarity. We're on Skype with her, Granddad, my Aunt and two cousins, one cousin has brought along her boyfriend.

Grandmother: "Hannah, are you into younger men, because he looks about 12!" (She's not wrong!)

Everyone else:

Hannah went onto angrily explain that he's actually 19, then walked out in a strop. He followed after his face had returned to white, from being red as a tomato.

I love my family!

 

[Ganymede]

Nurse enters my hospital room.

"Hello, I'm looking after you today, my name's Angel"

Me: "Seriously? Brilliant!"

 

[jhawk]

My friend and I are conversing on Facebook. She usually asks about my love life (or lack thereof).

Her: "How are things on the lady-front?"

Me: "I don't have a lady-front! YOU have a lady-front!"

Her: ""

 

[jhawk]

Womans logic
Ive just fitted the last door, the old one is outside on its side. The wife flicks her foot in the rough direction of the handle..and a seperate bolt and asks...
'Do you want that keeping ?'
'Which one, the handle or the bolt ?
'Well I dont want that'..she says pointing to the bolt
Me.....
'Answer the question...which one are you talking about '
'I just did, are you thick ?'
'No, i asked a question back because i didnt know which bit you were talking about and youve answered in an obtuse, round the houses way'
'You know exactly what I mean' she laughed.
'I do, bit why cant you just answer the question In the manner its been asked '
'I did, i told you'
'No you didnt, you told me what you didnt want' I replied
' Its quite simple then, i told you'
'No...what i asked was.blah blah.'

and so it went on...
I could have saved myself a lot of aggro and won so simply if it had gone like this...
'Do you want that keeping ?' Asked the wife...
'which, the handle or the bolt?'
and when she said...
'well i dont want that'...
i should have said....
'then why are you asking ME if i want it keeping ?'

Its like asking a question and getting the answer, but in a convoluted way...JUST ANSWER THE QUESTION

All done with a lot of laughing and mickey taking i should add. Give me strength

'

I re told this verbatim to my Dad, and he says, "Yeah... See. That's my life" *Shrug*

 

[gbb]

'Come on mum, lets go get some lunch, our treat'
'Ooooh lovely'

We've been to the crematorium to lay flowers for my late dads birthday. Tears flowed, mum hadnt slept well last night thinking about today, its cold..We'd also laid flowers for my brother who died in 2008...a miserable day, so lets go get some dinner, sad stuff's done, lets have a natter, a drink and treat my 85 year old mum.
She thoroughly enjoyed it.
Enjoy and love your parents, they're not around for ever.

 

[IDMark2]

'Oh no,' says the 10 year old boy, 'garlic bread...I'll have it please.... but never give it to Mum.'

We are eating out, my boy is persusing the menu but feels moved to relate some digestive difficulties of my ex-wife, his Mum, to us. (Somehow, I never get round to stopping his innocent recounting of his mothers foibles...)

'When she eats garlic bread, she farts after... I said it's loud enough to be what makes the world go round, what made the moon split off and go into orbit and so smelly it was probably what wiped out the dinosaurs...'

 

[Sandra6]

One from yesterday, recounted by elder daughter.
Elder and younger daughters chatting about tv, elder mentions Jeremy kyle.
Youngest - that reminds me of mum
Elder- what? Him or the people on it?
Youngest - both.
And from today, on realising the cyclist in the left turn lane has decided to power straight across the rab and is coming straight at me " wow, pick the right lane"
Cyclist ( and I'm using the term loosely) " stick it up your area"
" charming" says I

 

[surfdude]

to my 14 year old son dripping wet from a shower and just in a towel

him/ dad i have got a bottle stuck on my finger .
me/ so how and why do you have a bottle stuck on your finger .
him/ well i wanted to see if my finger would fit in it.
me/ and can you get it off .
him/ no i put it on few minutes ago and i just can not get it off .
finger is now purple and swollen .
me/ ok i get a stanley knife and will have to cut it off .
him/ what the finger .
me/ no just the bottle .
a few minutes later and two small cuts to each of us the bottle has been removed . plastic bottle necks are really hard to cut when a finger is stuck in one .

 

[ColinJ]

A tiny female cyclist pal arrived this morning after getting caught in a freak storm on Cock Hill 430 metres up, on the way over from Haworth. She'd been battered by torrential rain, then hail, then sleet! She was shaking with cold when she arrived ...

Her: "C-c-c-c-o-l ... p-p-p-p-u-t ... t-t-t-t-h-e ... k-k-k-k-e-t-t-l-e ... o-n!"

Me: "Feeling a wee bit chilled, are you?"

She ended up wrapped up and lost inside my large fleece jacket, with a 2kW fan heater on full power pointing at her frozen feet and her rung-out gloves and socks.

I plied her with coffee, chocolate and nuts and raisins. We decided not to go on our planned ride. She decided to go straight back home after she had warmed up and take her dog for a walk instead. I rode home with her, looped round and came back over the hill. The sun shone for me, though I did see a few hailstones bouncing off the road from time to time.

 

[gbb]

Picked the wife up from work, its been my day off so ive prepared some dinner. The wife is very picky/choosy what she's eating so I did mash and haddock. Last time I did this I messed it up, overcooked the haddock.
''Ive done some mash, I know you'll eat mash'
'Oh...I was going to have Smash (she does like it)...it tastes like mash'
..What, better than.....real mash '

She looked out the window of the car ....I guffawed and laughed ...quietened down, then sniggered . She hates me getting one over her

The boot was soon on the other foot....I overcooked the haddock again.

She took great delight....

 

[Supersuperleeds]

Going down a 1 in 10 hill on the cycle path, with those annoying metal bars at the bottom that stop motor bikes getting on the path, two fellas just starting to walk through them as I approach. A bell rings from behind them but one of the blokes looks at me a bit as if to say "I've moved for you, so why ring a bell at me?"

Me "Wasn't me that rang, was the hooligan behind you" (A lovely lady who I see most days on the way to and from work)
Her "Get out of my way" as she is laughing at me
Me to the fellas "See, you've got to watch this one, she's trouble"

Two fellas didn't know what the hell to make of it, but they stayed right out of her way while she got through the barriers and started up the hill.

 

[gbb]

Me to colleague, who is crouched, concentrating on the bubble of a spirit level he's got on a steel workbench he's fabricating. He's placing it on one side, the the other, studiously looking, concentrating....
me...'whatcha doing ?'
'Making sure this table is level'
''Is the floor level ?'
'Dunno '
'Then you're wasting your time seeing if the table's level'

 

[Scoosh]

^ ^ ^ Fortunately, I've often remembered this when/ before setting up a saddle to be 'level' !

 

[ColinJ]

Me to colleague, who is crouched, concentrating on the bubble of a spirit level he's got on a steel workbench he's fabricating. He's placing it on one side, the the other, studiously looking, concentrating....
me...'whatcha doing ?'
'Making sure this table is level'
''Is the floor level ?'
'Dunno '
'Then you're wasting your time seeing if the table's level'

^ ^ ^ Fortunately, I've often remembered this when/ before setting up a saddle to be 'level' !

Ha ha - ex pro cyclist Marcel Wüst insisted on 'levelling' my saddle for me on a spring training camp. Unfortunately, he did it by lining it up with the top of the fence that the bike was in front of, a fence which was on a slight slope ...

I didn't want to argue about it so I rode round the corner and then put it back to how I liked it!

 

[stephec]

Walking round B+Q earlier Mrs Stephec says to me, "do all men have a foot fetish?"

Apparently she caught a few staring at her feet.