Turbo Rider
Just can't reMember
- Location
- A compounded speck of dust
Give me some dialogue from your day
- Thread starter Crackle
- Start date
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Mad Doug Biker
Just a damaged guy.
- Location
- Craggy Island
It wouldn't be so bad, but she's 25!
Me - Morning, a Bacon roll to take out please...
Girl - would you like red or brown sauce?
Me - oh, none please, just as it comes...
Girl - anything else?
me - no thank you...
Girl - sorry did you say red or brown sauce?
Me - neither, none..
girl - oh sorry, anything else?
Me - ...... No just the roll.
Girl - £2.10 please...
Me- thanks (pays)
Girl - just be a few minutes...
Me - ok...
A few minutes go by, she emerges from kitchen...
Girl - would you like any sauce on it?
Me - (ffs!) no, not red nor brown, none, i like mine with NO sauce, none. Just as it comes.
Girl - oh ok, £2.10 please, anything else?
Me -
That's like me - I used to get an egg salad role with no tomato practically every day for a couple of years from a place when I was at College......... And every.... Bloody..... DAY...... I had to tell them...... NO TOMATO!!
It wouldn't have been so bad, but they knew who I was!! FFS!!
ScotiaLass
Guru
- Location
- Middle Earth
I read about an actress who my son likes, who had just had a baby with her gay partner.
Me: Hey guess what? That actress you like has had a baby!
Son: Awww thats nice. Oh but isn't she gay?
Me: Yes.
Son: Hmmm. So did they adopt the baby?
Me: No. She gave birth to it.
Son: Oh. So how did two women make a baby together?
Me: I guess they had it by artificial insemination.
Son: Wow!! So she had to go to a farm then?
Me: Erm....
Me: Hey guess what? That actress you like has had a baby!
Son: Awww thats nice. Oh but isn't she gay?
Me: Yes.
Son: Hmmm. So did they adopt the baby?
Me: No. She gave birth to it.
Son: Oh. So how did two women make a baby together?
Me: I guess they had it by artificial insemination.
Son: Wow!! So she had to go to a farm then?
Me: Erm....
gbb
Squire
- Location
- Peterborough
Homebase, we're out picking up stuff in preparation for our bathroom refurb, the wife sees a rattan garden lounger with 20% off, a good saving, for today only.
We got the last one, its wheeled through in a bloomin great box. All of a sudden there's 3 members of staff all looking at it, chatting away, I look around and theres a colleague from work behind me in the queue as well.
'Whattsup with my lounger then ?
'..i ask the shop girls
'No no, we had these last year, once they sold out, we couldn't get any more,'
''Even better when its only £169' i quipped.
..the lead shop assistant looked at me...'oh, i'm sure it was blah blah'...looking all flustered.
'Its ok, I always do that, it rarely works, I was only joking'
'Haha he gotcha'...laughed her colleagues.
My colleague behind me laughed and said knowingly...
'I bet you didnt even come in here for that'
'I know, ive been mugged, we're supposed to be getting bathroom stuff
..how did that happen ?'
We got the last one, its wheeled through in a bloomin great box. All of a sudden there's 3 members of staff all looking at it, chatting away, I look around and theres a colleague from work behind me in the queue as well.
'Whattsup with my lounger then ?
'..i ask the shop girls'No no, we had these last year, once they sold out, we couldn't get any more,'
''Even better when its only £169' i quipped.
..the lead shop assistant looked at me...'oh, i'm sure it was blah blah'...looking all flustered.'Its ok, I always do that, it rarely works, I was only joking'
'Haha he gotcha'...laughed her colleagues.
My colleague behind me laughed and said knowingly...
'I bet you didnt even come in here for that'
'I know, ive been mugged, we're supposed to be getting bathroom stuff
..how did that happen ?' Exile
Senior Member
- Location
- Manchester
At my granddads, with an assortment of family, including two kids who are running around chasing each other. One of them disappears behind a sofa as I'm coming back in with a drink.
Granddad (to Non-sofa child): Oh, have you lost him?
NSC: He's there! He's there!
Me: Who's where?
NSC: Sofa Child! He's down there! Look!
I look, and indeed there is a sofa child pressed between leather seating and wall
Me: Oh, wow, there is someone there.
NSC: Can you get him out?
Me: I don't think so, I'm afraid
NSC: Aww, why not?
Me: Because it's not my problem, mate.
Granddad: That's not how most people talk to a two year old, you know?
What can I say? I don't quite understand the etiquette of dealing with small humanoids. Not ruining the magic by calculating how long Father Christmas has to deliver presents to each house is also a topic apparently unsuited to the under-5s.
Granddad (to Non-sofa child): Oh, have you lost him?
NSC: He's there! He's there!
Me: Who's where?
NSC: Sofa Child! He's down there! Look!
I look, and indeed there is a sofa child pressed between leather seating and wall
Me: Oh, wow, there is someone there.
NSC: Can you get him out?
Me: I don't think so, I'm afraid
NSC: Aww, why not?
Me: Because it's not my problem, mate.
Granddad: That's not how most people talk to a two year old, you know?
What can I say? I don't quite understand the etiquette of dealing with small humanoids. Not ruining the magic by calculating how long Father Christmas has to deliver presents to each house is also a topic apparently unsuited to the under-5s.
gbb
Squire
- Location
- Peterborough
Womans logic
Ive just fitted the last door, the old one is outside on its side. The wife flicks her foot in the rough direction of the handle..and a seperate bolt and asks...
'Do you want that keeping ?'
'Which one, the handle or the bolt ?
'Well I dont want that'..she says pointing to the bolt
Me...
..
'Answer the question...which one are you talking about'
'I just did, are you thick ?'
'No, i asked a question back because i didnt know which bit you were talking about and youve answered in an obtuse, round the houses way'
'You know exactly what I mean' she laughed.
'I do, bit why cant you just answer the question In the manner its been asked
'
'I did, i told you'
'No you didnt, you told me what you didnt want' I replied
' Its quite simple then, i told you'
'No...what i asked was.blah blah.'
and so it went on...
I could have saved myself a lot of aggro and won so simply if it had gone like this...
'Do you want that keeping ?' Asked the wife...
'which, the handle or the bolt?'
and when she said...
'well i dont want that'...
i should have said....
'then why are you asking ME if i want it keeping ?'
Its like asking a question and getting the answer, but in a convoluted way...JUST ANSWER THE QUESTION
All done with a lot of laughing and mickey taking i should add. Give me strength
'
Ive just fitted the last door, the old one is outside on its side. The wife flicks her foot in the rough direction of the handle..and a seperate bolt and asks...
'Do you want that keeping ?'
'Which one, the handle or the bolt ?
'Well I dont want that'..she says pointing to the bolt
Me...
..'Answer the question...which one are you talking about
''I just did, are you thick ?
''No, i asked a question back because i didnt know which bit you were talking about and youve answered in an obtuse, round the houses way'
'You know exactly what I mean' she laughed.
'I do, bit why cant you just answer the question In the manner its been asked
''I did, i told you'
'No you didnt, you told me what you didnt want' I replied
'
Its quite simple then, i told you''No...what i asked was.blah blah.'
and so it went on...
I could have saved myself a lot of aggro and won so simply if it had gone like this...
'Do you want that keeping ?' Asked the wife...
'which, the handle or the bolt?'
and when she said...
'well i dont want that'...
i should have said....
'then why are you asking ME if i want it keeping ?'
Its like asking a question and getting the answer, but in a convoluted way...JUST ANSWER THE QUESTION
All done with a lot of laughing and mickey taking i should add. Give me strength
'
gbb
Squire
- Location
- Peterborough
We (the wife and I) engage in banter a lot, a bit of verbal swordplay....
I also have a habit of forgetting things...
I said to the wife...'ooh, ive got my healthcheck tomorrow at work'
Wife replies...........'I know, you told me yesterday'
She was right, but I quickly retorted...'yeah I know, but Im telling you again'
Our son, In the next room sniggered.
Seconds later i ask.....'you want a cuppa ?'
She replies.....'no thanks, you asked me that 5 minutes ago '
I had, Id forgotten but quickly retorted...'yeah I know but Im asking you again'
Our son in the next room guffawed
I won today...tomorrow..she'll get her own back.
I also have a habit of forgetting things...
I said to the wife...'ooh, ive got my healthcheck tomorrow at work'
Wife replies...........'I know, you told me yesterday'
She was right, but I quickly retorted...'yeah I know, but Im telling you again'
Our son, In the next room sniggered.
Seconds later i ask.....'you want a cuppa ?'
She replies.....'no thanks, you asked me that 5 minutes ago '
I had, Id forgotten but quickly retorted...'yeah I know but Im asking you again'
Our son in the next room guffawed
I won today...tomorrow..she'll get her own back.
gbb
Squire
- Location
- Peterborough
Colleague walks in the workshop carrying a piece of glass maybe 4ft square..
'Where do you want this ?'...'there's 5 pieces altogether'
'Not in here'
'Blah blah said put it in here'
'Its not staying in here, look at it, there's no room'
'Blah blah said....'
'I dont care, I'll have to move I every five minutes, theres no room'...'tell you what, put it in the switch room up the yard'
The workshops already full...what is it, a bloomin storage facility for every other department ?...they can s#d off.
'Where do you want this ?'...'there's 5 pieces altogether'
'Not in here
''Blah blah said put it in here'
'Its not staying in here, look at it, there's no room'
'Blah blah said....'
'I dont care, I'll have to move I every five minutes, theres no room'...'tell you what, put it in the switch room up the yard'
The workshops already full...what is it, a bloomin storage facility for every other department ?...they can s#d off.
a group of young lads working on site .
one ask how deep do you want this area dug out .
i say 2 inches
he answers same as your di*k then
well at least i know and use mine for what its meant for
so do i
i sure you do but unlike you i am not alone when i do
can not say what his answer was to that but it was not very pleasant
one ask how deep do you want this area dug out .
i say 2 inches
he answers same as your di*k then
well at least i know and use mine for what its meant for
so do i
i sure you do but unlike you i am not alone when i do
can not say what his answer was to that but it was not very pleasant
ColinJ
Puzzle game procrastinator!
- Location
- Todmorden - Yorks/Lancs border
I was talking about Google Street View with a mate, and saying how useful I find it when checking out new cycle routes.
That led to me mentioning the infamous 'Handjob alley' in Manchester ... If you don't know about it, Google will reveal all! (Well, nearly all - you will find sites discussing it, and featuring some blurred photos.)
My mate started laughing ...
Colin: Well, yes, I found it quite funny at the time ...
Mate: (Chortling ...) I ...
CJ: Maybe not quite THAT funny though ...
Mate: (Still laughing too much to speak ...)
CJ: What's up with you?
Mate: (Eventually ...) You've just reminded me of something I saw when I was a courier in Manchester ...
CJ: Ok, tell me more ...
Mate: I saw a man in a back street having sex with a prostitute ...
CJ: I don't see what was is so funny about that?
Mate: (Howling ...) She was eating from a bag of chips balanced on his shoulders!
CJ: Ha ha ha - and they say that romance is dead!
We both cracked up ...
That led to me mentioning the infamous 'Handjob alley' in Manchester ... If you don't know about it, Google will reveal all! (Well, nearly all - you will find sites discussing it, and featuring some blurred photos.)
My mate started laughing ...
Colin: Well, yes, I found it quite funny at the time ...
Mate: (Chortling ...) I ...
CJ: Maybe not quite THAT funny though ...
Mate: (Still laughing too much to speak ...)
CJ: What's up with you?
Mate: (Eventually ...) You've just reminded me of something I saw when I was a courier in Manchester ...
CJ: Ok, tell me more ...
Mate: I saw a man in a back street having sex with a prostitute ...
CJ: I don't see what was is so funny about that?
Mate: (Howling ...) She was eating from a bag of chips balanced on his shoulders!
CJ: Ha ha ha - and they say that romance is dead!
We both cracked up ...
crazyjoe101
New Member
- Location
- London
"Do you have puncture resistant wheels?"
"We have puncture resistant tyres, the tyre is this bit (gestures) and the wheel is this bit (gestures), it's your tyre which punctured, the wheel doesn't get punctures."
"OK."
"Do you want to look at the tyres?"
"No mate, I want a strong wheel"
"We have puncture resistant tyres, the tyre is this bit (gestures) and the wheel is this bit (gestures), it's your tyre which punctured, the wheel doesn't get punctures."
"OK."
"Do you want to look at the tyres?"
"No mate, I want a strong wheel
"
gbb
Squire
- Location
- Peterborough
In a similar vein ive had people ask me about bikes..."Do you have puncture resistant wheels?"
"We have puncture resistant tyres, the tyre is this bit (gestures) and the wheel is this bit (gestures), it's your tyre which punctured, the wheel doesn't get punctures."
"OK."
"Do you want to look at the tyres?"
"No mate, I want a strong wheel
'What do you think about blah blah ?'..(it'll be something like a Tesco BSO)
So you try to tell them how bad they are, spend a bit more maybe , buy something better, the components on that will be made of cheese, you'll regret it..trust me...etc etc etc.
They nod and listen intently, soaking up the wise words you speak........then go buy that Tesco BSO
ScotiaLass
Guru
- Location
- Middle Earth
Another gem with my 14 yr old son with Autism.
Me: <holding a mini tub of Ben & Jerrys ice cream>
Son: Haha! You look like a teenage girl with PMT!
Me: That'd be pretty difficult....
Son: Oh yeah. You had a hysterectomy didn't you.
Me: Yes.
Son: Oh, so you don't get a period?
Me: Nope
Son: And you can't have babies?
Me: Correct
Son Why did you have a hysterectomy?
Me: Because I had tumours in my womb and it needed removed
Son: <pauses> Oh! Is that why I came out a bit........special?
Me: No son, it's nothing to do with you having Autism.
Son: Ah right, that's okay then. For a moment I thought you had infected me, you know, like a zombie....
Me: <holding a mini tub of Ben & Jerrys ice cream>
Son: Haha! You look like a teenage girl with PMT!
Me: That'd be pretty difficult....
Son: Oh yeah. You had a hysterectomy didn't you.
Me: Yes.
Son: Oh, so you don't get a period?
Me: Nope
Son: And you can't have babies?
Me: Correct
Son Why did you have a hysterectomy?
Me: Because I had tumours in my womb and it needed removed
Son: <pauses> Oh! Is that why I came out a bit........special?
Me: No son, it's nothing to do with you having Autism.
Son: Ah right, that's okay then. For a moment I thought you had infected me, you know, like a zombie....
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gbb
Squire
- Location
- Peterborough
6 year old granddaughter...You be the wolf granddad and i'll be little red riding hood'
'Ok' I reply
'What big eyes you have'
'All the better to see you with
' I reply, hamming it up.
'What a big nose you have'
'All the better to smell you with'...
snort snort
'What big teeth you have'
'All the better to EAT YOU WITH '
'Ok' I reply
'What big eyes you have'
'All the better to see you with
' I reply, hamming it up.'What a big nose you have'
'All the better to smell you with'...
snort snort'What big teeth you have'
'All the better to EAT YOU WITH '
