Give me some dialogue from your day

[ColinJ]

Me: Three roast pork rolls, please, with all the trimmings...
Woman in market stall: We've run out of crackling.
Me: Oh. OK. Never mind. Three anyway. [I spot some fried onions, intended for burgers] Can I have some onions, instead of the crackling?
WIMS: I can't do that. The onions are extra. The crackling is included.
Me: You haven't got any crackling.
WIMS: I know, but it's included. The onions are extra.
Me: But can I have them instead of the crackling you haven't got?
WIMS: Yeah, but they're extra.
Me: Just forget I ever mentioned onions.

Dialogue from one of my days, many years ago, at a burger van, post-pub ...

Vegetarian friend: Veggie dog please!

Burger man: WTF is a veggie dog?

VF: Hot dog, heavy on the onions, hold the dog!

BM, complying, muttering under his breath: Ferkin students!

 

[jhawk]

Friend and I are on FB:

Friend: "It was hilarious to watch my pregnant friend walk."

Me: "That'll be you in a few years! Then I'll take the mickey out of you!"

Friend: "A few? 10, 15..."

Me: "Good! Wait as long as possible for something to come out of you and ruin your dreams."

Friend: "I have too much important stuff to do before that. Lot of schooling to get through and establish a career. And save money. Stability to build. Etc."

Me: "And then the little barsteward will come along and ruin it all. Immediately."

Friend: "NO! "

*Backed off after that.

 

[gbb]

Dialogue from one of my days, many years ago, at a burger van, post-pub ...

Vegetarian friend: Veggie dog please!

Burger man: WTF is a veggie dog?

VF: Hot dog, heavy on the onions, hold the dog!

BM, complying, muttering under his breath: Ferkin students!

Done this one before somewhere in the forum, but one of my wind ups is to go to a burger van (preferably one you know, otherwise you might get a smack one day) and say....
'Hawaiian burger please, but no pineapple thanks'

First time I did it, the guys eyes narrowed ...he thought for a second and replied...
'You want a cheese burger then ?'

Without any hesitation (quite good for me, i'm not the quickest on the draw) I quipped...
'Well...if that's all you've got '

I knew the guy well, I snorted and laughed ....i'm sure he called me a tw&t

 

[jhawk]

Friend and PLI again!

"I want to cuddle Dave (my esteemed miniature Schnauzer), he looks so snugly!"

"Do you hear that, Dave? She wants to cuddle you. Fark you, Dave. Gonna turn you into a doormat."

 

[ScotiaLass]

14yr old AS son: Who will I be sitting with at Grandads funeral?
Me: You can sit where you want. It may not be advisable to sit next to me though
Son: Why?
Me: You may get wet...
Son: Eewwwwww! I hope that wasn't a sexual reference!
Me: No son, I meant tears
Son: oh....

Please someone help me....I dread what he may say on Friday

 

[jhawk]

14yr old AS son: Who will I be sitting with at Grandads funeral?
Me: You can sit where you want. It may not be advisable to sit next to me though
Son: Why?
Me: You may get wet...
Son: Eewwwwww! I hope that wasn't a sexual reference!
Me: No son, I meant tears
Son: oh....

Please someone help me....I dread what he may say on Friday

He's only fourteen? Are you sure?! Impressive response from your son! Sounds like something I would say - not at that age, mind you. Kids these days.

 

[ScotiaLass]

He's only fourteen? Are you sure?! Impressive response from your son! Sounds like something I would say - not at that age, mind you. Kids these days.

He has Aspergers and is very intelligent! I have to be on my toes around him

 

[jhawk]

He has Aspergers and is very intelligent! I have to be on my toes around him

I have a friend with Aspergers, he too has a brilliant mind! Very punny. Keeps me alert too!

 

[jhawk]

Friend and I on FB:

Me: "You're welcome: https://www.facebook.com/947hits/photos/a.189595025168.160179.29195660168/10152851143485169/?type=1"

Friend: "This is the best thing ever. What are friends for? For sending you links to pictures of fluffy cows."

 

[Saluki]

Cust: I need to book lessons for my Boyfriend
Me: OK, is he already learning with us?
Cust: No. I want to buy some lessons as a present for him
Me: Oh, that's really nice. How many were you thinking off (went through the usual details, costs etc too dull to type here)
Cust: Brilliant. 4 lessons please (pays over the phone)
Me: Thank you, would you like me to deliver the gift vouchers too you
Cust: Can I collect them
Me: No problem (arranges to have them ready for her at building reception)
Me: Can I take the name of your Boyfriend so we know what to put on the vouchers
Cust: Ricardo Poopy Pants
Me: Pardon?
Cust: Ricardo Poopy Pants
Me: Er, do you have the name that he uses officially
Customer Richard - *gives his surname* (someone or other I've forgotten it now but nothing to do with pants or poop)
Me: Thank you
Cust: I'll collect the vouchers. Where Snouts are you?
Me: Pardon (I'm getting a bit deaf, obviously
Cust: *Speaking Clearly* Where SNOUTS are you?
Me: Where about's are we - told her, gave directions and omitted the bit about there being a lift to our floor.


Dear Lord, I had forgotten what it was like dealing with bloody teenagers who can't speak properly or say anything sensible when they are trying to organise business with a business.

 

[Saluki]

May I humbly offer the girl I used to work with who once asked if two half pints made a pint?....

On that theme
Today I was asked about the 5:2 diet by one of my clients.

Only her 3rd fast this year.
Her: I had a fish pie for lunch, only 199 calories
Me: That sounds nice
Her: I only ate half of it as I wasn't very hungry. Have I eaten 199 calories, even though I gave the other half to the dog?
Me: Are you serious?
Her: Yes, the dog loved it.

 

[jhawk]

Me: "Houston. We have a problem. Operator cannot do basic mathematics."

Friend: Idiot."

 

[Speicher]

Me to the person helping me build a wooden compost bin:

Drink your tea before it gets wet.


It was raining.

 

[jhawk]

My friend and I are discussing finances for my trip this year.

Friend: "Do you know how I worked out what food I could afford?"

Me: "You looked at the price, and if you thought, 'I'm not farking paying that much for that', you didn't buy it?"

Friend " No." (He then goes on to explain mathematically how he did it.).

 

[Mireystock]

Our 11 year old son to my wife (he had just returned from swimming) " Mum, did swimming pools have chlorine in when you were my age ?" We ( in our mid to late 40's) fell about laughing !