Give me some dialogue from your day

[gbb]

@gavgav that reminds me of something a friend told me a few years ago.

He arrived at work one snowy day and the boss said "X isn't going to be in, he can't get his car off the drive"
My friend replied "Yes I know, I just walked past his house...."
(As far as I am aware there was no reason that X couldn't have walked.)

On a similar note, one colleague, many years ago phoned in, he couldn't get to work for the snow.
He lived about a mile away.
The boss made it in from 16 miles away.

That went down well...

Another example of the light hearted banter between the wife and myself...she's working on a pair of boots with shoe polish...
'I could give it another go in the morning '
Instantly, I replied..
'Yeah, you could, its not like you have anything better to do'....

...'Cheeky bugger'

 

[Scoosh]

He's discovered that now. So, I was right!

Might be better not to tell him - well not too many times (but has to be more than 1, as it hadn't been invented yet)

Smug factor: 10/10

 

[ColinJ]

Might be better not to tell him - well not too many times (but has to be more than 1, as it hadn't been invented yet)

Smug factor: 10/10

So shouldn't that be, say, (5 + 5)/(5 + 5)?

 

[jhawk]

My Dad is now discussing my blunder with our mutual friend.

Dad: "Do you think this is a good one9"

Dad: "Sorry, that was supposed to be a question mark."

Friend: "Maybe they didn't have question marks way back when..."

Dad & Friend:

 

[jhawk]

My friend has just had her wisdom teeth removed! (She's less smart now, otherwise she'd have seen this coming!)

Friend: "I thound tho thupid!"

Me, just to be an arse: "I'm sorry, what?"

Friend: "I THOUND THO THUPID!"

Me:

Friend: "Thuck off!"

 

[jhawk]

A friend of mine has taken a selfie of her new hair and put it on Facebook. She appears to be wearing her pajamas. It's 1PM.

"Dear, are you still in your PJ's?!"

"I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW I DRAGGED MY FAT ASS OUT OF BED JUST TO TAKE THAT PHOTO!"

""

 

[ScotiaLass]

Son (20) has had a sore testicle for a week now (doctors appointment booked).

Son: Look at my testicle for me
Me: I hope you weren't talking to me! Nurse or not, I am not going there!
Son: Well, that was aimed at either of you...
Husband: I am NOT going there
Son: Awww c'mon, it'll be a good father-son bonding moment...
Husband: No son, that's called something else...

 

[Rezillo]

On a similar note, one colleague, many years ago phoned in, he couldn't get to work for the snow.
He lived about a mile away.
The boss made it in from 16 miles away.
That went down well...

I went on the local radio breakfast show some years ago to talk about a food safety alert that was hogging the headlines at the time. The main roads were blocked by snowbound traffic so to get to the studio, I drove 16 miles, mainly in second and third gear, along back roads covered in snow several inches deep, plus a few high speed run ups at drifts. I got there just on time and was hurriedly bundled into the studio. Cue.....

"We are joined today by Rezillo of Hapless District Council to talk about whether our food is safe. Good morning, Rezillo, quite a drive in, I understand".

"Yes, it took over an hour to get here but the back roads are passable with care"

"So you can get here on time along 16 miles of snowy country roads but Hapless District Council's refuse lorries are stuck in their depot and no-one is getting a bin collection. What have you got to say about that?"



To be fair, it was a (slightly pointed) wind up but it put me right off!

 

[jhawk]

A friend and PLI, who is a big Friends fan, has just called me a silly goose...

"Silly goose."

"Silly Steph... Silly Steph... It's not your fault... Silly Steph, Silly Steph... What have they been feeding you?"

"OH YOU JUST EARNED EXTRA POINTS FOR THAT."

To myself:

 

[SatNavSaysStraightOn]

Last night..

My oh: so which bit of Burns night are you celebrating?
Me: I was considering the tatties and whisky part but I could be too tired and I'm not sure how well the whisky and morphine will mix (looking at the beer in his hands)
My oh: we only have Irish whiskey
Me: yeh, i know. It might have to be in spirit only
My oh: <silence>
Me: it was a bad one wasn't it?
My oh: uh huh.

 

[jhawk]

Last night..

My oh: so which bit of Burns night are you celebrating?
Me: I was considering the tatties and whisky part but I could be too tired and I'm not sure how well the whisky and morphine will mix (looking at the beer in his hands)
My oh: we only have Irish whiskey
Me: yeh, i know. It might have to be in spirit only
My oh: <silence>
Me: it was a bad one wasn't it?
My oh: uh huh.

If there was a facepalm emoji, this is where I'd use it.

 

[theclaud]

Me: Three roast pork rolls, please, with all the trimmings...
Woman in market stall: We've run out of crackling.
Me: Oh. OK. Never mind. Three anyway. [I spot some fried onions, intended for burgers] Can I have some onions, instead of the crackling?
WIMS: I can't do that. The onions are extra. The crackling is included.
Me: You haven't got any crackling.
WIMS: I know, but it's included. The onions are extra.
Me: But can I have them instead of the crackling you haven't got?
WIMS: Yeah, but they're extra.
Me: Just forget I ever mentioned onions.

 

[pplpilot]

Mrs pplpilot - I don't think it'll go in without some sort of lubricant, WD40, 2 in 1 that sort of thing stop forcing it!
Pplpilot - oh err misses....

 

[Scoosh]

Mrs pplpilot - I don't think it'll go in without some sort of lubricant, WD40, 2 in 1 that sort of thing stop forcing it!
Pplpilot - oh err misses....

 

[jhawk]

Mrs pplpilot - I don't think it'll go in without some sort of lubricant, WD40, 2 in 1 that sort of thing stop forcing it!
Pplpilot - oh err misses....

Wahey!