Give me some dialogue from your day

[Lullabelle]

Yesterday I was in the Christmas gifts section of BHS when a very respectable looking elderly couple walked past.

Now I only heard this quickly, but l'm sure I heard, "we could always buy him some crystal meths?"

One of my colleagues is a big fan of Breaking Bad, all the guys are talking about it, anyhow our FD went to America and bought this guy a packet of candy which look like crystal meths, he had to be very careful taking it through customs

 

[Profpointy]

Line leader walks into our workshop, a bolt in his hand. He's Polish and occasionally the technical terms beat him...
'I don't know how to say it, but i need a nut with wings on'
My colleague instantly answered...
'You need a wing nut then'

Raucous laughter followed from all three of us...

A Finish pal of mine was once commenting (rather unfavourably) on my appearance one day saying "you look like a, umm, ..... park man"

 

[Ganymede]

Dear old Deaf Demented Dad strikes again.

We were waiting for his eye appointment at the hospital. I suddenly realised that he was discussing with Mum who I might be.

Mum: she's your daughter. Tell him, Ganymede
Me: I'm you're daughter, Dad.
DDDD: You're what?
Me: Your daughter, Dad.
DDDD (astonished): Are you? I thought you were probably my neice or something. Well it's very good of you to come along. Whose are you again?
Me: Yours, Dad. I'm your daughter.
DDDD: Oh yes, of course, you're one of the twins, aren't you? [I am.] If only you'd said that I would have remembered.
(we sit back and stare into the middle distance for a bit)
DDDD (covertly into Mum's ear so that I can't hear and he can remain polite to me): remind me again, what the name of this one's twin sister...?

 

[perplexed]

Me to shop assistant: 'Sorry, I've knocked the inflatable T-Rex over...'

Shop assistant: 'Don't worry, he's been fed...'

 

[brand]

In town saw a skip outside what was a carpet shop neighbour "quick quick someone will see it" pointing to the top of the skip with her eyes. Manky but fully working black and decker workmate. She also got some linoleum for her duck house!
Lady asked me"can you help me get all these books of carpet samples" they were all about 12 inch square.
Me "What are you going to do with them"
Lady "my new house has no carpet I will sew them together and make a carpet out of them"
Nice one! But glueing them down maybe easier.
I got 8 25" x 18" ones rugs basically. 4 for me and later that night the barmaid offered to take the other 4. Got some 12" x 4" x 0.5 wooden floor samples. Only 12 but they are excellent quality and burn really well. The carpets are rated as heavy domestic use and life time stain garuntee.... I wonder if that applies to skip dipped ones?

 

[ColinJ]

ColinJ, on phone: "Hiya!"

Friend, on other end of phone line: "Hi Colin - I'm a bit worried because my doctor said I should not go below 9.5 stone but I have been getting loads of exercise and have lost a couple of pounds!"

ColinJ: "And your problem is ...? EAT MORE - FOOD IS FUEL!"

 

[ColinJ]

Dear old Deaf Demented Dad strikes again.

We were waiting for his eye appointment at the hospital. I suddenly realised that he was discussing with Mum who I might be.

Mum: she's your daughter. Tell him, Ganymede
Me: I'm you're daughter, Dad.
DDDD: You're what?
Me: Your daughter, Dad.
DDDD (astonished): Are you? I thought you were probably my neice or something. Well it's very good of you to come along. Whose are you again?
Me: Yours, Dad. I'm your daughter.
DDDD: Oh yes, of course, you're one of the twins, aren't you? [I am.] If only you'd said that I would have remembered.
(we sit back and stare into the middle distance for a bit)
DDDD (covertly into Mum's ear so that I can't hear and he can remain polite to me): remind me again, what the name of this one's twin sister...?

When I was visiting my dying mum in hospital, there was a demented old woman in the bed opposite. Her son had come to see her ...

DOW: "What are you doing here?"

Son: "I have come to visit you, mum."

DOW: "I am fed up of seeing you - tell that no-good brother of yours to come next time!"

Son (looking very sad and strained ...): "Not that again ... Mum - I am an only child!"

 

[stephec]

Walking round Tesco and there's an old couple in front of me, he's pushing her along in a wheelchair.

They stop at the end of an aisle where there's a load of toiletries on offer and he picks things up to look at them, she must be a bit deaf as he has to lean into her ear to talk to her.

He then picks up a box with a Durex logo on it and after putting it back down leans over her again.

She mustn't have heard him as after a few attempts her shouts at the top of his voice, " I SAID THEY'RE CONDOMS!"

Everyone within about twenty feet must have turned to look and smiled.

 

[ColinJ]

Walking round Tesco and there's an old couple in front of me, he's pushing her along in a wheelchair.

They stop at the end of an aisle where there's a load of toiletries on offer and he picks things up to look at them, she must be a bit deaf as he has to lean into her ear to talk to her.

He then picks up a box with a Durex logo on it and after putting it back down leans over her again.

She mustn't have heard him as after a few attempts her shouts at the top of his voice, " I SAID THEY'RE CONDOMS!"

Everyone within about twenty feet must have turned to look and smiled.

And she shouted back: "I'm feeling frisky - buy 2 boxes!" ...

 

[chewa]

"He hasn't got a computer" for the 10th time explaining to BT that my dad has broadband and Infinity just to watch BT sport on his telly.

They were wanting him to do on-line billing, send stuff to his email address. Sheesh!

 

[ColinJ]

"He hasn't got a computer" for the 10th time explaining to BT that my dad has broadband and Infinity just to watch BT sport on his telly.

They were wanting him to do on-line billing, send stuff to his email address. Sheesh!

My sister almost went into meltdown trying to explain to a robotic call-centre operative that the reason that our dead mother was not cancelling her own account was .. that SHE IS DEAD! The same answer kept coming back, along the lines of - "I'm sorry, I can't discuss this with you unless your mother comes to the phone and authorises you to speak on her behalf" ...

 

[stephec]

As I'm typing my post above the phone rang, it's my wife.

She asks me, "can you give me a lift?"

Me, "ok."

Her, "are you at home?"

"No."

"Where are you?"

"Well I've just answered the home phone."

A bit of a pause and then, "oh yeah."

FFS*


*I didn't actually say FFS, but I thought it very loudly.

"

 

[swee'pea99]

[Not quite dialogue, but...]

Walking t'hound thru' the woods, couple of women coming the other way, chatting. Couldn't help overhearing snatches of their conversation...laughed, and said as they passed: 'Sorry, but I couldn't help overhearing, and for some reason I thought you were talking about money, and when you said '50 grand of porridge', I instantly thought blimey, that's a lot of porridge, before doing a double-take: ah...not grand, grams - 50 grams of porridge.'

 

[perplexed]

My sister almost went into meltdown trying to explain to a robotic call-centre operative that the reason that our dead mother was not cancelling her own account was .. that SHE IS DEAD! The same answer kept coming back, along the lines of - "I'm sorry, I can't discuss this with you unless your mother comes to the phone and authorises you to speak on her behalf" ...

Liked, but you know what I mean.

Reminds me of when a relation died, the worse people to deal with by a country mile were TV licensing...

 

[ColinJ]

Liked, but you know what I mean.

Reminds me of when a relation died, the worse people to deal with by a country mile were TV licensing...

I had a vision of the young woman in question with a headset on, a tick box check list on her computer screen, and 99.9% of her attention being diverted to Twitter/Facebook on her smartphone ..