Give me some dialogue from your day

[Archie_tect]

Friends are members of an informal sailing club- they have flags for their boats which identifies who they are:
Me: why have the flags got red dots in the corner?
Her: so we know who's who out sailing. The Rear Admiral has two balls, the Vice Admiral has one ball.
Me: What's Phil?
Her: The Commodore- he's got no balls.

[Edit: sorry, I should have called them yachts...]

 

[rich p]

I was about to turn into Cromwell Road, London, westbound from a side turning this evening. I know the junction well. The traffic light sequence is a bit wonky. It goes red on the main road at the same time as it goes amber on the side turning so quick starts are not a good idea. Tonight, a stretch limo thundered down the main road a good three seconds after my green light. For some reason I felt the need to let off steam and drew along side when I caught him at the next set of red lights.

Me: "Don't jump red lights, you stupid prat"
Driver: "I couldn't stop"
Off we both went, and he came alongside
Driver:"It's a stretch Hummer. I can't stop"
Me:"Maybe you should learn to, peanut"

It's the first time I have done that verbal stuff and I'm not particularly proud. At the time, it was quite fun!

That's like hearing your grandma swear Slowmo!!!
I'll treat you with much more deference in future.

 

[yello]

It didn't involved me but I overheard this many years ago in Roman Road market, East London. A young women was wheeling a pushchair along and said, in a cockney accent, to her friend "I dunno wevva to 'ave a piece of toast, see my mum or wha'"

It's stuck with me since. I loved it then as I do now. No idea why.

 

[swee'pea99]

Must be getting on 40 years since I overheard a couple of very businesslike Asian guys having a conversation in the changing rooms - one said: "It's kind of a love-hate relationship: she loves me and I hate her."

 

[Mr Phoebus]

Me: Large cod and chips, please.
She then serves up a pile of chips with what looks like a cheaper mini cod on the top.
Me: No! A large cod.
Her: Eh? That is a large cod!
Me: No it isn't, that's a stickleback. (giggles emerge from the queue)
She then does a huge huff whilst snatching the fish back and then forcibly replacing it
with a large cod. (now it's literally battered)
Then forcibly wraps them and shoves them at me, then as good as snatches the money
from me and then slaps the change into my hand almost sending it flying.
Me: Stop swigging the vinegar you snotty cow.

 

[swee'pea99]

Me: Large cod and chips, please.
She then serves up a pile of chips with what looks like a cheaper mini cod on the top.
Me: No! A large cod.
Her: Eh? That is a large cod!
Me: No it isn't, that's a stickleback. (giggles emerge from the queue)
She then does a huge huff whilst snatching the fish back and then replacing it
with a large cod.
Then forcibly wraps them and shoves them at me, then as good as snatches the money
from me and then slaps the change into my hand almost sending it flying.
Me: Stop swigging the vinegar you snotty cow.

I've posted this one before, but it bears repeating...

My sister was in the chip shop with a friend. He unwrapped his food to apply the s&v. "Oi mate," he said, "are you sure the fish was dead when you put it in here?" The bloke looked understandably baffled. "'Course it was," he said, "What you on about?" "Looks like it's eaten all the chips."

 

[MossCommuter]

(by email with an eBay seller)

Me: Where in Manchester are you?
Seller: Chester

 

[fenlandpsychocyclist]

Stopped having a bite in an exposed open part of the lincolnshire fens, lady in a ford ka pulls up:

Lady "are you ok"
Me "yes, just having a quick sandwich"
Lady "we don't see any cyclists around here"
Me "oh right, any ideas why"
Lady "it's too windy all the time i think"

That i find hard to believe!!!!

 

[Matthew_T]

Me and my dad in the kitchen, preparing tea. We took some spring rolls out of the packet and there were a few peices of herb at the bottom.

Dad (Picks up the biggest herb with a smile on his face): Block your mother.
Me: Oh yes, good one.
(After about five minutes of trying to get it on his nose)
Me: It isnt going to work, its to greasy.
Dad: I'll just put it in her hair then. (Joking)
(Brother overhears the last bit, and gets the herb from the packet. Walks into the living room and throws it at my mum).
Mum: Argh! What are you doing?!
Brother (Runs up the stairs laughing).
Mum (rustling through hair): *Dad's name* what did he put in my hair?
Dad (laughing): A bogey!
Mum: Urgh, get it out.
(Mother stands up, gets the herb and launches at me. I avoid it and it hits my dad on the back of the head.)
Mum (Has to sit down): Haaaaaaaaaaaa,hahahahahaha!!
Me: Iv'e got to go to the toilet its so funny!
Dad: Take the bogey with you (and throws it at me, which I avoid).

Its good fun in my home.

 

[BigonaBianchi]

Me...after buying all kinds of healthy foods ....

"Oh crap...they sell swiss rolls"

 

[subaqua]

Client Tech manager : are you going to do emergency light test tonight
me No I am doing it thursday
TSM no it needs proving tonight so client doesn't need to stay on thursday.
Me : So i have to change all my plans to pre check something that isn't going to change by Thursday , you can Jog on.

 

[Archie_tect]

Subaqua, I've noticed a theme in your posts....

 

[fimm]

Boyfriend: look that car has flashed his lights at you, you can turn
Me (driving): he looks like he is messing about with his lights, I don't know what he is doing, I'm staying put
Bf:
Car goes straight on without slowing
Me: see he didn't stop
Bf: yes but if you'd moved forward a bit he would have let you go
Me: yes but if he'd hit me it would have been my fault
The road is now clear and I make my right turn
Me: anyway you are not supposed to flash your lights to tell people they can go
Bf: I'm sure that is what is says in the Highway Code
Me: no the Highway Code says you should only flash your lights to warn someone you are there
Bf: then the Highway Code is silly
Both: <sulk>

(In slight defence of my boyfriend, he didn't learn to drive in this country...)

 

[NormanD]

Me = (watching Mrs Browns Boys) = Hahahahaha!!
Son enters room with cigarette in hand = "What you watching?"
Me = Mrs Browns Boys and you know you're not supposed to smoke in here!! .. I wouldn't watching this.
Son = Just passing through, it'll be ok! (inhale ..waft)
Me = you've been warned!!
Me = Hahahahaha!! (at another funny part of the show)
Son = hahahahaha!! too
Me = Hahahahaha!! (LSD trip in show)
Son = Inhale ..Haha!!*cough* *splutter* *choke* *cough* Splutter**Choke* *cough!! cough!! cough!!* *choke**Gasp!!*
Me = (thinking) I don't know which was funnier the sketch or him learning a lesson ..they never listen!!

 

[Lisa21]

Me = (watching Mrs Browns Boys) = Hahahahaha!!
Son enters room with cigarette in hand = "What you watching?"
Me = Mrs Browns Boys and you know you're not supposed to smoke in here!! .. I wouldn't watching this.
Son = Just passing through, it'll be ok! (inhale ..waft)
Me = you've been warned!!
Me = Hahahahaha!! (at another funny part of the show)
Son = hahahahaha!! too
Me = Hahahahaha!! (LSD trip in show)
Son = Inhale ..Haha!!*cough* *splutter* *choke* *cough* Splutter**Choke* *cough!! cough!! cough!!* *choke**Gasp!!*
Me = (thinking) I don't know which was funnier the sketch or him learning a lesson ..they never listen!!

Have just been watching this now........