Give me some dialogue from your day

[ufkacbln]

Sitting in the cubicle of a shop loo in Cambridge minding my own business as I lose several ponds in weight

I overhear a conversation from the urinals next door

"I haven't seen one that small for a long time"

(How rude I thought)

The other guy replies "Neither have I"

(???)

A few minutes later as I leave I realise they were talking about that the children's urinal at the end of the row.... explains a lot

 

[ufkacbln]

Lippy lad: Hey, b**ch [referring to my other half]. Lose the poser, I’ll show you a big c**k.
OH: You’re already naked & there’s nothing to impress
LL: Yer WHA, B**ch?
Me, OH & several other people:

Posted before, but relevant

I used to work with a Glaswegian nurse who was a riot!

Out one night when some foolish guy flashed his bits........

She walked past non-plussed and waited until he had joined his mates.

Then went across with half a dozen other nurses t the table and asked if he could show her friends as well as they wouldn't believe her that anyone had one that small.. for some reason he wouldn't

They then spent about half an hour pointing at him and giggling

He left shortly after

 

[jhawk]

Me: "Both the dogs are asleep." (Akaya walks in)...

Dad: "Both asleep, eh?"

Me: "Well, at least Dave is."

Dad: "That's because Dave's a smaller dog who expends more energy due to his legs being shorter, you must know what that's like."

 

[jhawk]

Just got back in from taking the dog outside...

He comes over, starts clambering all over me.

"Oh FFS, what do you want now?!" I guessed that he wasn't done. I turned to Dad, "Christ, it's like raising kids."

"Yeah, just wait till he grows up and never moves out and stays out late and starts treating this place like a hotel..."

 

[Saluki]

Meant to post this last night but forgot.
Conversation with my grooming customer today.

Cust: I love dogs.
Me: Me too.
Cust: You got dogs?
Me: I have 3.
Cust: What do you got?
Me: Sorry?
Cust: What do you got?
Me: What do I whattey?
Cust: What do you got?
Me: I have no idea how to answer that question.

 

[gbb]

The wife and I often verbally joust, a bit of fun....
We're both off ill, just taking it steady. ?.she's cleaning in the kitchen, I'm doing upstairs..
me...
'How you doing ?
wife..
'I'd be a bit quicker but there's still potato peelings in the sink from last night'
Me..
'Who peeled the spuds last night ?'
Wife..
'I did'
Me..
'Hahaha, there you go then

And then, she just had me, no answer could be found, it was fast and classic...
We're playing games on our tablets, each having requested lives etc from each other. Despite several requests, ive had none and im letting her know it...
me..(sarcasticly but friendly)..after being asked what level Im on...
'45, but im fed up of getting no help'
wife, quick as a flash..
'you know how ive felt for the last 37 years then..
Dagnabit...

 

[Scoosh]

Checkmate mrs gbb !

 

[jhawk]

I'm dressed in athletic attire, about to go play basketball...

Dad: "You look like Rocky... Only smaller... Pebbley... Gravelly..."

 

[Speicher]

A N Other at garage: Would you like to buy a new car?

Me: Yes, one in the colour that matches my jumper (a sort of bright turquoise).

 

[AndyRM]

Not from today, but this will stick in my mind forever:

Colleague - "Isn't Portugal a part of Spain?"

Me - "...What?"

Colleague - "Yeah, like how Scotland is a part of England!"

Me - "...Um...You have a pretty tenuous grasp of geography."

Colleague - "What does that mean?"

I had to leave the office at that point. I worked with some incredibly stupid people.

 

[Maverick Goose]

Have you ever worked with somebody who asked if 2 half pints made a pint though?

 

[Scoosh]

A N Other at garage: Would you like to buy a new car?

Me: Yes, one in the colour that matches my jumper (a sort of bright turquoise).

Some years ago, my Sis-in-Law, a surveyor, took a job with a private firm, who gave her a budget, told her to go to a garage and get her company car. [SiL is blonde, attractive and ... very sharp]

Car Salesman: Can I help you, Madam ?
SiL: Yes - I'd like a car, please ..
CS: Any particular kind ?
SiL: Yes please - a red one !
CS (rubbing hands with glee and already counting his bonus): Certainly madam, come this way ...


End result:
SiL gets above budget spec, full years' vehicle tax disc, tank of petrol etc etc- and all within budget !

SiL; Thank you.
CS: My pleasure, Madam .... [until he realises how he has been totally done !]

Moral: Don't mess with SiL ! She is sharp !

 

[Spinney]

This is from many years ago, but I thought it might entertain.

Me: I've brought this Amstrad [I told you it was old!] back, it is still failing sometimes.
Man in shop: We've already fixed that for you.
Me: But it still isn't working.
MiS: we've had a look at it and even given you new software for it, there's nothing wrong.
Me: but it still sometimes stops working.
MiS: Listen, madam, I'm an engineer and I know what I'm talking about.
Me: I'm an engineer too, and I know what I'm talking about.
MiS: [silence, takes computer away]
...
...
MiS: It needs a new motherboard. I've put one in for you. That will be £X for the mother board, no charge for labour.

 

[cyberknight]

LBS owner "Your bike is poorly "

 

[postman]

"Lay on your side,knees up to your chest.I'll just put on some gloves"

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