Give me some dialogue from your day

[BigonaBianchi]

Bus driver:
Get out of my way
Me:
But you are on the wrong side of the road
Bus driver:
self-gratification artist
Me:
Pardon
Bus driver:
A***hole
me:
Read the highway code especially the bit about overtaking parked cars into oncoming traffic
Bus driver:
fark off daffodil
Me:
Nice.

 

[colly]

More of a monologue...but to my younger trainee colleague...
'Right D***, i've got to pass comment on the job we've just done, no point in pussy footing about and sorry to be blunt.
One, i told you we were going to undo lid A to inspect inside. I went round the other side to undo the fasteners on that side...i get there and you're undoing the fasteners on lid B. We don't have the time to mess about, you're either not listening, or you're not concentrating.
Two, i come round to your side and you've just scraped crap off the parts...onto the floor. It looks a mess and it's dangerous. People will slip and we don't want to give them one chance to complain, anyway, it's just not the way to work D***.
Three, before you put the lid back on, you scraped the crap off it onto the edge of the machine and i had to tell you to clean it all off, same as before D***, it's just not the way to work, you can't carry on like that.
Four, you stood there with the key looking at it when we were wrapping up...it wasn't going to put itself away (i was getting impatient waiting for him), so i asked you to put it back (in its rightful place, where he got it from)/...you stood there, turned round about 3 times and i had to point out where the key goes. Clear mind D***, think clearly and to the point, we're wasting too much time messing about, you have to clear your mind and concentrate'

D***...
'Sorry , i suppose you're right, it could be dangerous all that stuff on the floor'

Give me strength

Very similar from some time ago:

Installation Manager slamming open drawing office door : Who did the drawing for xyz company?

Keith: (who was collecting a list for the chip shop seeing as it was Friday lunchtime) That was me. I did that job.

Installation Manager: What the f*** were you thinking of ? How do you expect.................there follows a long, loud uninterrupted rant about the poor design and the difficulty of installation and why it should have been done differently and why as even a junior draughtsman he should have known better. How did he think it was going to be acceptable to the customers and etc etc etc..........sh*t for brains etc etc etc.........doesn't fit properly anyway......etc etc etc.............

After about 5 mins of ranting Manager pauses:

Keith: Do you want a buttered bread cake with your fish ?

 

[GrasB]

OH: after we drop everything people won't/can't eat we've got assorted nuts, raisins, hard cheese, quorn sausages *pause* can't use them them, they're X's, sweet...
Me: We'll get some next shop, it's not like X will be dropping considering she's on Oz right now.
OH: okay... and sweet peppers, olives, that gluten free pasta we hated, aubergines, tinned tomatoes & some mushrooms.
Me: Pasta bake then?!
OH: No! It'll be awful...
Me: We've not got rice & we can't use bread. Has to be pasta, I'll do it.
OH: Your riot!
Me: Did you like have a traumatic pasta experience in childhood? Refuse to buy the stuff, every time it's mentioned you say it's awful even though the rest of the world says it was fine?.. I mean you're Italian, give love to the pasta & all that.
OH: Har Har..
Me: Now this kitchen's mine... shoo shoo
... 90 min latter ...
OH: This is awful
7 other people: It's rather nice actually.

 

[SatNavSaysStraightOn]

Sitting in the car with my OH coming back from some clothes shopping - we have finally given in and bought some new clothes.
Hit stationary traffic and we can see it is going to be a bad journey home, so at the next opportunity I turn off left and ask him to find me some directions home.

Sometime later, whilst he is still working on it, I turn off right apparently randomly. Then left, then right weaving my way through the Cheshire back lanes as though I know where I am going. (I have this 'thing' for roads, I only have to have travelled them once, in any direction to be able to connect them to another place and always remember them.)

OH: you recognise the roads again, don't you?
me: err yes. We cycled this way at Christmas.
OH: hey?
me: well, it was in the other direction.

(turn left, turn 1st right)

silence

5-10mins later
OH: Oh b***** h*** woman, you're following the cycle route home!
me:
OH: I can't take the cyclist out of you can I?

National Cycle route 70 runs through Delamere forest and within 1 village of our home. I had spotted a sign for it when I first 'randomly turned off, and after a while got to roads I knew. We continued to play dodge the cyclist following it home.

 

[ColinJ]

Another one, courtesy of my absent-minded friend ...

[Standing in the queue at the cafe]

Friend: "I'm just off to the Ladies, could you buy me a ..."

Me, pointing at a small pack of biscuits on a tray in front of me: "Are these yours?"

Friend: "Yes - I don't want them."

I picked up the biscuits and lobbed them back into the basket on the counter.

Woman standing behind me - a complete stranger: "Why did you just take the biscuits off my tray and throw them in the basket?"

Me: "I, hmm, sorry, er, oh, flipping heck ...!"

 

[Arch]

Another one, courtesy of my absent-minded friend ...

[Standing in the queue at the cafe]

Friend: "I'm just off to the Ladies, could you buy me a ..."

Me, pointing at a small pack of biscuits on a tray in front of me: "Are these yours?"

Friend: "Yes - I don't want them."

I picked up the biscuits and lobbed them back into the basket on the counter.

Woman standing behind me - a complete stranger: "Why did you just take the biscuits off my tray and throw them in the basket?"

Me: "I, hmm, sorry, er, oh, flipping heck ...!"

Sounds like the story told by Douglas Adams, of Arthur Dent buying a tea and a little packet of 6 biscuits in a station cafe, and sitting down at a table with a stranger. He opens the biscuits, and takes one, and the man opposite reaches out and takes one too! He thinks about it, and decides the best British way to deal with this is to ignore it furiously. So he takes another, and the man opposite does too.

When all the biscuits have been eaten thus, he moves his teacup and finds...

His packet of biscuits. Those ones belonged to the other chap!

 

[Matthew_T]

National Cycle route 70 runs through Delamere forest and within 1 village of our home. I had spotted a sign for it when I first 'randomly turned off, and after a while got to roads I knew. We continued to play dodge the cyclist following it home.

So you were driving down a cycle path? Tut tut.

 

[SatNavSaysStraightOn]

So you were driving down a cycle path? Tut tut.

with the number of cyclists going through delamere today, we may as well have been!

 

[threebikesmcginty]

Me: *answers phone* Hello
Idiot on Mobile: Hello
Me: Yes, hello
IoM: Who's that?
Me: What?
IoM: Who's that, you called me?
Me: Did I, I don't know, I mean I know who I am, I didn't know I'd called you though.
IoM: *hangs up*
Me: Nobber!

 

[ColinJ]

Me (answering mobile call from stepdaughter): "Hiya!"

Stepdaughter's phone: Crackle, thump, crackle, bang, crackle ...

Me: "Hello?"

Stepdaughter's phone: Crackle, thump, crackle, bang, crackle ...

Me (shouting into my phone): "YOU HAVE ACCIDENTALLY PHONED ME!"

Stepdaughter's phone: Crackle, thump, crackle, bang, crackle ...

Me (shouting into my phone): "YOU-HAVE-ACCIDENTALLY-PHONED-ME!"

Stepdaughter's phone: Crackle, thump, crackle, bang, crackle ...

Me: "Oh flipping heck ..."

Me (texting): "H.a.n.g..u.p..-..y.o.u..h.a.v.e..a.c.c.i......."

(Time passes - slowly!)

Incoming text: "Hi Col - sorry about that - phone in pocket of tight jeans! Will ring you later for chat. xx"

 

[Biscuit]

Test Engineer: It doesn't work
Me: What doesn't work?
Test Engineer: I don't know I just get this message
Me: Have you plugged in the test gear?
Test Engineer: Ah!

 

[Arch]

Me (answering mobile call from stepdaughter): "Hiya!"

Stepdaughter's phone: Crackle, thump, crackle, bang, crackle ...

Me: "Hello?"

Stepdaughter's phone: Crackle, thump, crackle, bang, crackle ...

Me (shouting into my phone): "YOU HAVE ACCIDENTALLY PHONED ME!"

Stepdaughter's phone: Crackle, thump, crackle, bang, crackle ...

Me (shouting into my phone): "YOU-HAVE-ACCIDENTALLY-PHONED-ME!"

Stepdaughter's phone: Crackle, thump, crackle, bang, crackle ...

Me: "Oh flipping heck ..."

Me (texting): "H.a.n.g..u.p..-..y.o.u..h.a.v.e..a.c.c.i......."

(Time passes - slowly!)

Incoming text: "Hi Col - sorry about that - phone in pocket of tight jeans! Will ring you later for chat. xx"

I had something similar last weekend. When I got to work on Monday, I said to Jonny

Me: "You rang me over the weekend by accident."
Jonny: No, I rang you Saturday night on purpose, because we were visiting someone living at XXXX House, and he wasn't answering the bell, and I wanted to know if you could remember the door code, but you didn't answer.
Me: Oh! I was probably in the bath. It's 096431, by the way. But you rang me on Sunday lunchtime, and obviously didn't know. I said "Hello! Jonny!" a few times, and hung up.
Jonny. Oh! <checks phone> Oh yes, I did.

 

[gbb]

I had something similar last weekend. When I got to work on Monday, I said to Jonny

Me: "You rang me over the weekend by accident."
Jonny: No, I rang you Saturday night on purpose, because we were visiting someone living at XXXX House, and he wasn't answering the bell, and I wanted to know if you could remember the door code, but you didn't answer.
Me: Oh! I was probably in the bath. It's 096431, by the way. But you rang me on Sunday lunchtime, and obviously didn't know. I said "Hello! Jonny!" a few times, and hung up.
Jonny. Oh! <checks phone> Oh yes, I did.

You'd be amazed how many people (and one i can readily think of) who accidentally ring you, then outright deny doing so when you lightheatedly tell them...
'Hello Fred, you rang ?'
'No '
'Yeah, your number just came up, i couldnt get to the phone in time'
'No, i didnt ring you '
'Oh well, its ok, your phone must have got accidentally activated in your pocket or something ...no problem, no harm done '

'I DIDNT RING YOU'

Now its just not occured to fred that actually, he must have sat on it or something and unwittingly and unknowingly rang me...no, he's stubbornly hanging onto his first words and can't bring himself to admit (like thats some sort of failure) that he could possibly have made a mistake.
Oh well....

Mine today...on the phone to the wife...
'I'm going to be a bit late i'm afraid, the road i'm on is blocked, there's a few VERY concerned looking fellas ringing people, there's a VERY wrecked motorbike splashed all over the road, a lot of turf and mud from someone skidding on the verges...it's bad and i suspect its VERY serious looking at the wrecked motorbike...'
Wife...'I'll put your tea in the microwave'

Back roads, bumpy, narrow...i wish to Christ people would slow down.
I'd turned round and 5 minutes later i saw a paramedic car on its way. Hope the guy is ok..

 

[fimm]

Brother-in-law to his children, who are "dancing" to some music: Turn the volume UP, please.
Me (joking): That's just wrong.
Brother-in-law looks puzzled
Sister: She means that you "should" be telling them to turn the --- music DOWN.
(Not that that will ever happen - B-I-L likes his music loud...)

 

[Arch]

Lady coming out of house: Oh, can I just give you this paper as well.
Me, picking up recycling, knackered, with a small sigh: Yes, sure.
Lady: You do a marvellous job!
Me, trying to enthuse: Thank you.
Lady: I admire your dogged determintion.
Me <thinks> It was much better with the lady who lived here before who always sorted her immaculate recycling perfectly.
Me,<says>: Thanks!