Favorite 'One Liners'

[bruce1530]

A face like a bulldog chewing a wasp

A face like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle....

 

[All uphill]

A vicar friend said of his church,

"It's like a swimming pool, most of the noise comes from the shallow end"

 

[Drago]

A favourite of mine...

I've stepped over bigger lads than you just to get to a fight.

 

[Slick]

A vicar friend said of his church,

"It's like a swimming pool, most of the noise comes from the shallow end"

I like that one, and when I use it, I'll say it with such confidence they will think I just made it up.

 

[simongt]

About a youthful member of staff who wasn't the brightest light in the window - 'I've seen more intelligent life in the bottom of a pond - !'

 

[Domus]

Lazier than a Mexican village.

 

[Mrs M]

If you were my husband. I'd put poison in your tea.

if you were my wife, I'd drink it.

Winston Churchill

 

[Punkawallah]

"You, sir, shall die of the rope, or the pox". Sandwich.
"That, sir, depends on whether I embrace your principles, or your mistress". Wilkes.

 

[Toshiba Boy]

My late Dad's favourite one, "Is your face hurting you.....?"

 

[Gillstay]

Aussie one....Mad as a cut snake.

 

[simongt]

Apparently reported of an Irish navvy many years ago as his 'intro line' when he'd walk into a pub:
'Who was the best foighter here 'til I walked in - ?'

 

[All uphill]

Sorry, I'm not young enough to know everything.

 

[tyred]

A story told by an old aunt (born c1900) many years ago but I still laugh when I think about it.

She lived in a pretty remote part of the country and sang in the choir of small, rural congregation. Their organist back in the '40s and '50s was a spinster of around 45 years old who lived in a remote farmhouse with her elderly parents and basically never went out anywhere.

Then everyone was stunned by the announcement that she was engaged to be married, to a widower, much older than herself.

Before church, this unexpected news was the topic of conversation in the choir room as they prepared for the service. The minister walked, and someone said "Oh Rev. Johnston, did you hear Miss Alice is going to get married?"

To which he replied "Yes, but she's marrying a second-hand tool!"

 

[icowden]

The prospective Mayor of London, Susan Hall:-

"Wonderful to visit Faeces nightclub in Redbridge last night..."

 

[DRM]

With reference to someone with a ruddy complexion.....they've got a face like a smacked a#se
and someone devious..... They've more faces than the town hall clock